The Church Files, A Red Vs Blue Story
by Austin316v1
Summary: Red Vs. Blue from the specific perspective of Private Leonard Church. Replacement to my Novelization of the RvB series. May or may not be Discontinued
1. Chapter 1

Red vs. Blue: The Church Files

Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360. But other than that…

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2005.

Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

Prologue:

Blood Gulch. The worst hell hole in the universe. A completely worthless canyon in the middle of nowhere that two warring factions have determined important enough to fight over. And I'm stuck right here in the middle of it.

My name is Private Leonard Church. I've been in the middle of a life and death struggle for this miserable canyon. And since I've been here so far, no good has come from it. My commanding officer, Captain Butch Flowers died, leaving me in charge, which I thought lucky for me because the only other person here was that perverted asshole Lavernius Tucker. I swear his purpose in life is to piss the shit out of me. But then…it got worse…a LOT worse.

One thing is for sure: this was the worst mistake of my life. Hell, I've died for this war, and I don't think it was worth it. Yes, that's right, I'm a freakin' ghost. I happen to possess this robot guy but I'll get to that later. First, you need to know how I died.

The Church Files

Chapter 1: It Hits the Fan

"What are they doing?"

"WHAT!" Ok, quick background here. Tucker and I are standing on this ridge overlooking the Red base. I'm looking through the scope of my sniper rifle down on these two reds, who're just standing there and talking. Basically, that's what they do…every fucking day. And Tucker, the idiot standing next to me, constantly asks me, "What are they doing?" So after my outburst he says, "I said, 'What are they doing now?'"

"Goddamn, I am so SICK OF ANSWERING THAT QUESTION!"

Then he points at me saying, "Hey you've got the fucking rifle, I can't see shit. So don't bitch at me because I'm not just gonna stand up here and play with my dick all day."

God, I have to explain this AGAIN! What the fuck is wrong with him? "Ok, look," I said, lowering my rifle. "They're just standing there, and talking ok. That's all they're doing…THAT'S ALL THEY EVER DO! Just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing LAST WEEK, and that's what they were doing when you asked me FIVE MINUTES AGO!" What'd I tell you? "So five minutes from NOW, when you ask me, 'What are they doing,' my answer's gonna be, 'They're still just talking…AND THEY'RE STILL JUST STANDING THERE!' Maybe that'll get him to stop.

"What're they talking about?" Of all the….

"You know what, I fucking hate you."

So we're still watching when this guy in red armor comes up and yells at the jackasses in maroon and orange. Whatever it was, they got out of the base and went over to him. Basically, he's Sarge, he's the leader of this little group. And as a leader, he SUCKS, but more on that later. The orange guy is Grif, he's fat, lazy, and annoying, but above all, he's basically my equal. He is the sanest guy on their entire fucking team. Hell, he might even be more sane than ME with all the shit I put up with. The maroon guy's name is Simmons. He is a know-it-all and complete brown-noser. So, then this other guy drives up in some kind of jeep. He's Lopez, a robot, and he is very VERY important later in the story. And then Tucker asks, "What is that thing?"

Hell I didn't know. It was a car. "I don't know, looks like they got some type of…car down there. We'd better get back to base and report." Cue the whining…now.

"A car? How come THEY get a car?"

"What are you complaining about man? We're about to get A TANK in the VERY NEXT DROP." I had to spell it out for him. What a fucking moron.

"You can't pick up chicks in a tank." OH MY FUCKING GOD! THERE'S NO GIRLS FOR MILES…MAYBE LIGHT YEARS!

"You know what, you could bitch about anything, couldn't you. We're about to get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. WHAT CHICKS ARE WE GONNA PICK UP MAN! And secondly, how are we gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like THAT!"

"Well, what kind of car is it?" Good question, I raised the rifle back up.

"You know, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like…like a big cat of some kind."

"What like a puma?"

"Yeah man, there you go."

So the tank comes, but with it, there is this REALLY, REALLY annoying, and moronic, rookie named Caboose. So he starts talking about what he said to the dock workers back on the supply ship. "So I say to guy, 'How're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?' and he goes, 'I'll just put it and the ship.' And I go, 'If you got a ship that can carry tank…why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?'" Then Tucker says something very smart.

"Hey kid."

"Yeah?"

"You're ruining the moment. Shut up." Thank you, Tucker.

"Oh…ok, you got it man."

So I say, "You know what, I could blow the whole goddamn world in this thing."

Tucker then, still fixated on girls says, "You know what? Forget what I said, we can DEFINITELY pick up chicks in this thing." There's one seat, how're we gonna do that? "Probably two or three chicks apiece."

"Oh man, listen to you. What're YOU gonna do with two chicks."

"Church, women are like Voltron. The more you can hook up, the better it gets." Ok, it was so obvious that this retard never had a girlfriend…or even a date. So I decided to try and get under his skin. It didn't really work out the way I planned.

"Yeah, I'll let you in on little secret. I, uh…I actually got a girl back home."

Tucker replied, "Oh yeah? Girlfriend or wife?"

I got embarrassed, a little, "No man. She's just my girlfriend. We were gonna get married…but I got shipped out, and…well, you know how it works."

"Well, you gonna marry her, when you get back?" That's when Caboose decided to open his mouth…and insert his foot.

"I'm not gonna get married. My dad always said, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?'" Now that pissed me off. He indirectly called my girlfriend a slut. But at the time, I misunderstood the analogy.

"Hey rookie, did you just call my girlfriend a _cow_?"

Tucker chimed in, "No, I think he called her a _SLUT_!" Once again, thank you, Tucker. This made my next decision very simple.

I decided to make his life miserable. I said, "I'll tell you what, noob. I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day," and kick his ass for it, "but as it turns out, I got much important job for you."

"Great."

"See, we've got this general…"

Tucker interrupts, "Right, the…general…guy…"

"…who likes to come around and make random inspections of bases. So what I'm gonna have you do, is go inside, and stand right at the flag at attention, just in case he decides to come by."

"When is he coming by?"

Tucker shrugged, "We never know. Could be today, could be a week from now."

"You want me to stand at attention for a week?"

I then made a sarcastic remark to the rookie, for it was obvious that he was such a noob that he wouldn't get it, "You know, you don't sound very grateful. This is the most important job at the whole base. You're gonna be right there with the flag."

"What's so important about the flag?"

"Oh, come on, don't they teach you guys _anything_ in training?"

"They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?"

"Because it's the flag, man, you know, it's the f... it's the flag, it's... Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important."

Tucker was at loss for words, "Well, it's... it's complicated. Wuh... It's blue, we're blue."

I resumed the noob-hazing speech, "It's just important, okay, trust us. So when the General comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag." Tucker nodded in affirmation and I continued, "So just go in there, you know, far away from _us_, and wait for him."

Caboose started for the base, but then turned around and asked, "Uh how will I know when I see him?"

Tucker shot back, "There's only three of us out here, rookie. He's gonna be the guy that doesn't look like one of _us_."

Now I was starting to get really pissed, so I yelled at him, "Now get in there, and _don't come out!" After Caboose disappeared into the base, I turned to Tucker and said, "_Man, that guy is dumber than you are."

Tucker, failing to make a decent comeback said, "You mean he's dumber than _you_ are."

"Wow, Tucker. That was a great come-back."

Suddenly, Caboose appeared at the door. "Uh, Mister Church? Sir?"

Ok, now I was extremely pissed. "Oh my god. **_WHAT!" _**Then I told Tucker, "Tucker, I swear I'm gonna kill him."

"Sorry about calling your girl a slut..."

"**_ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY, GET IN THERE!"_**

****Tucker started laughing and I immediately turned around, more pissed off than before, "Tucker, are you laughing at me?"

Then the rookie comes out again. Or at least I thought it was him. It was actually the Red's rookie, Donut. Apparently, Grif and Simmons sent him on a fool's errand of his own, something about "Elbow Grease," the type of thing only a complete moron would fall for. So he asks me, thinking that our base is the 'store', "Excuse me, sir. Can I ask you a question?"

Without turning around, I showed my anger verbally, "Dear God in Heaven, rookie. If I turn around, and you are NOT inside, I…I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you."

"Well, what'd I do?"

"ONE!"

"Aw, come on."

"**_TWO!_**"

"FINE!"

So, Tucker and I were oblivious to what was happening with the two noobs as we decided what to do with the tank. That's when we made an important discovery…neither of us could drive it. "Well, enough gabbing out of us. Let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in it, Tucker."

Tucker looked at me, "ME? I don't know how to drive that thing."

Ok, I was already annoyed as it was, "You're telling me you're NOT armor certified!"

"I ca- I don't even know how to use the fucking sniper rifle. Don't _you_ know how to drive that?"

"NO! HOLY CRAP! **_WHO IS RUNNING THIS ARMY!_**"

That's when Caboose decided to compound the situation even more. He runs out screaming, "HEY! Just wanted to let you know: the general stopped by and picked up the flag."

"YEAH! OK! WHATEVER MORON!" Then I turned back to Tucker, "Why would they give us a tank, if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing?" Then Caboose's words sunk in. "Wait a second. What did he just say?"

So anyway, we gather on top of the base where I ascertained what Caboose did with Donut, of course I didn't know it was Donut, because I didn't know who the fuck Donut was. "Let me get this straight. You gave this guy OUR FLAG."

Caboose, king of the retards, asked, "Is that bad?"

"Bad? Oh, no that's not 'bad', next time he comes over, WHY DON'T YOU HELP HIM BLOW THE WHOLE GODDAMN BASE!" I was flipping a bitch on his ass when Tucker saw Donut running towards by the cliffs.

"There. There he is."

I grabbed my sniper rifle, "Where?" Then I saw him. "Oh, yeah I got him. He's sneaking around back behind the cliffs."

Tucker juxtaposed, "He must be one smart son of a bitch." In reality, Donut said, "Man, I am so freaking lost. Where the hell is the base?"

Now at the time, we had only seen four Reds: Sarge in red, Grif in orange, Simmons in maroon, and Lopez in brown. Back then, Donut was wearing red armor in place of what he wears now…PINK! So, I thought it was Sarge.

"OH SHIT! Hey Tucker, look at his armor, it's RED."

"Oh man. That means it's their Sergeant," Tucker said with a hint of bitching.

So I guessed, incorrectly, how he got in. "Well, that makes sense. At least now we know how he got by our defenses."

So Caboose said, "Y'know, he came in the back door where you guys were standing," and we ignored him.

Tucker says, "Right, let's take him out."

I took aim. "Roger that. Ok, say goodnight Sarge!" I let loose all four shots from the rifle…and they all missed. "Ah crap." Meanwhile, Tucker is staring at me. "What?"

"You're really not good with that thing, are you?"

Donut took this time to 'taunt' us. "Hey, IT'S ME. DON'T SHOOT! I'M THE GUY THAT BOUGHT THE FLAG, REMEMBER!"

"Oh, great. Now he's taunting us. This is just embarrassing," Tucker said. But now, I was finally ready to go bust some heads.

"ALRIGHT THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT! Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker, we'll head through the teleporter and cut him off at the pass."

"Right," Caboose replied. That was easy enough.

"Tucker, you ready?" I asked, then not waiting for a reply said, "Let's go."

"There is no way I'm going through that thing." Oh, great. He's gonna bitch about something now while 'Sarge' runs away.

"Tucker, we don't have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter IF IT DOESN'T WORK!"

"I DON"T KNOW! Why would they give us a TANK that NO CAN DRIVE?"

"WE ALREADY TESTED THE TELEPORTER! REMEMBER!"

And cue the flashback. Ok, back when Captain Flowers was alive, I had just come in from Sidewinder, very important plot point later on. So I'm at the base, screaming across the canyon to Tucker, who at the time was still in regulation blue. We were bored and started throwing rocks through the teleporter.

"DID THEY COME OUT? TUCKER!"

"WHAT?"

"DID THEY COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE!"

"YEAH BUT THEY'RE ALL BLACK AND SMOKING. MAYBE YOU'VE GOT IT TURNED UP TO HIGH."

"WHAT'RE YOU TALKING 'BOUT? I DON'T SEE A KNOB OR ANYTHING ON THIS! HEY, THINK I COULD THROW A GRENADE THROUGH HERE?"

"WHAT! NO WAY, THAT WOULD NEVER WORK!"

And end scene.

"We threw rocks through it," he continued to bitch.

"And, so what? The rocks came out the other side, didn't they?" Which they did.

"Yeah, but they were all hot and covered in black stuff." Time to make a joke.

"Oh, so that's what this is all about then. You're afraid of a little black stuff." I didn't think he'd take it seriously.

"Yes, I am. I am afraid of black stuff." Wimp. Well, only one thing I can do.

"Tucker, I almost hate to do this to you," I said as I raised my gun.

He realized almost immediately, "You wouldn't…"

"You know I see it like this: Either A, (the smart idea) We go through there and get the flag back, or B, (the SMARTER idea) We stay here, and I get to kill you. Either way, I win."

"For the record, I want you to know, rocks aren't people." Nice try, Tucker, but it's not gonna work.

"Duly noted. _Now get in there_!"

He sighed, "CRAP! Ok. 1…2…" He jumped through and Caboose and I watched the teleporter exit, waiting…and waiting…and waiting…and…

"Huh, he didn't come out the other side," Caboose said, stating the obvious.

So I swallowed hard and said, "Uh….yeah. I've…uh…I've decided I'm NOT gonna use the teleporter." So I ran off the base to get flag back personally, yelling back at Caboose, "Ok, rookie. You stay here, I'll be back with the flag."

So I catch up to Donut at the teleporter pad and scream, "FREEZE!"

The little baby cries to me, "Hey, why were you shooting at me? You could've hit me dick!" I wasn't in the mood for it.

"CAN IT! Don't try and play stupid with me, Sarge. I know who you are. We've been spying on you for three weeks now."

So he says, "I just got here two HOURS ago. And I'm not a Sergeant, I'm a Private." So I realized, this guy was telling the truth. No Southern accent, no undying need to shoot any thing blue, and certainly not the extreme hatred of Grif that I've come to know and hate.

"Wait a minute, you're not the Sergeant!" I exclaimed.

"Yeah, that's what I just said."

"Well, then how did you manage to steal our flag?" I was in the mood for an explanation, but I wouldn't get one.

"Steal? I have no idea what the hell you're talking-."

"**THREE!**" At that very second, a black-clad soldier just miraculously appeared out of nowhere.

Both Donut and I freaked.

"JESUS!"

"HOLY SHIT! WHO IS THIS GUY!"

So I'm flipping out, when I realize, "What in the hell! TUCKER! Is that you?"

"How did you get up here ahead of me?" Yep, It's Tucker.

Donut chimes in, "And what's with that black shit on your armor?"

He faces Donut and says, "HEY! FREEZE SARGE!"

So Donut starts to get pissed, "Would you stop calling me Sergeant! I'M STILL JUST A PRIVATE!" That's when Tucker suffered a severe brain lapse.

"The Sarge is still a private! OH…MY…GOD! The teleporter sent me back in time." So he turned to me, saying,

"Look, I know that you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Sometime in your future, I get stationed here in Blood Gulch and we meet. And this guy here, he gets promoted to Sergeant in the Red Army and we spy on them. And then one day, they get a jeep, and I'm like 'There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!'"

I stared at him, mouth gaping. Tucker just relived the last 3 weeks in 30 seconds. Hell he said it wrong. He and Captain Flowers were here first. I came after…well more on that later. So I said, "Tucker…WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT!"

"I know all this sounds crazy, but one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals our flag while we're distracted."

Donut offers a hypothesis, "IS THIS GUY A RETARD!" Donut, now that I know you both better, I can say this. Yes, Tucker is a fucking retard. But, back then, I didn't care what you said.

"RED! Shut up. TUCKER! Listen to me." Now as I'm talking, this really crappy, Latin-Polka mix music starts playing and getting louder. "You haven't gone back in time, ok? This IS the guy who took the flag. He's just not their Sergeant. Turns out, he's just some dumb ROOKIE who happens to have the same color armor as him." Ok, now the music is so fucking loud, I can't ignore it. "We got in somehow, just….FOR GOD'S SAKE! WHAT IS THE MUSIC!" Suddenly, the Red's jeep, the 'Warthog' as Sarge calls it, comes bounding over a ridge right next to us.

"WHOO HOO!" Grif screamed as he drove the jeep over the ridge

"HOLY SHIT!" Tucker screamed

"SON OF A BITCH! RUN! JESUS RUN!"

"THE JEEP FOLLOWED ME BACK IN TIME!"

So then, Simmons, who was at gunner, starts firing at us. Eventually, we hide behind a rock. "Well, we'll just wait here. That thing's gotta run out of bullets sometime. Little did we know what Caboose was doing back at the base, "Oh man. That's not good…Oh my God that jeep has a really big gun." He paused, then pondered his only two options. "Stay here…tank…stay here…tank…ah, screw it." So he turned around, jumped off the base…and ran up to the tank.


	2. Chapter 2

Red vs. Blue: The Church Files  
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer:  
Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2006.  
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

Chapter 2:  
Heading South…And Beyond

So, back at the rock, Tucker and I are still hiding as Simmons keeps shooting at us. Now, I said that the gun would run out of bullets sometime. But it's been firing for the last five minutes…nonstop. "My God, doesn't that thing EVER run out of bullets?"

By now, Tucker's brain resumed functioning normally and he tells me, "You know, in hindsight, we should've brought the tank."

Like it would do us any good. "Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us, if none of us know how to drive it?"

"Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a _much_ better strategy."

"Well, yeah, but...Oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to ya." And I did, I didn't have a good reason to continue.

3 seconds later, the jeep stops firing. I whispered to Tucker, "Psst, hey, they stopped firing."

Tucker looks at him and asks, "Why are you whispering?"

"Uhm... I don't know."

So then, Tucker tells me that we should go steal the jeep.

"Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out," I warned him. They were gonna swarm him, I had to try and do something to save him.

"No they're not, look: they left the jeep. They're gone."

"Well, I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy, but…" Then I thought. We have a one seater tank, that's a 3 seater jeep. 3 is great than 1 so… "Alright screw it, let's go get it."

So, we did Rock-Papers-Scissors to decide who would get it. I won, so I said, "I'm going for the jeep. Cover me."

So, I start running for the jeep, look only at the jeep, but then I see Grif running towards it as fast as he can. So, I say to myself, 'What the-.' BAM! The jeep explodes almost as he gets there. I hear him scream, "SON of a BITCH!"

I was still a few yards from the jeep when it happened so I screamed, "SON OF A BITCH!" as well. Not so much in fear, as in anger. I had the jeep, then it blew up. So anyway, I hear something saying, "Firing main cannon." BAM!

And I also hear Simmons shouting too, "Shit."

"Firing main cannon." BAM!

"God…damnit"

"Firing main cannon." BAM!

So I ran back up the ridge and hid behind the rock, again. Tucker tells me, "Hey dude, the jeep blew up."

NO SHIT SHERLOCK! I WAS JUST OUT THERE! "No kidding. Thanks for the update, _Tucker_."

So, eventually the firing subsides and look out and I see the tank…with Caboose inside. "Hey Tucker, look at this, man: it's the rookie! And he brought tank out to scare off the reds."

Tucker immediately turns his head, "WHAT? No way!"

I'm shocked and amazed, someone knows how to drive the damn tank. So I yell to Caboose, "Hey rookie, good job man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?"

That's when the tank's turret starts to turn towards me, "New target acquired."

Inside the tank Caboose is getting confused, "That's not a target. That's Church."

So I yelled back down, "Yeah, that's right, it's me, Church! What's going on, man!"

"Target locked."

And Caboose started to panic…badly, "What? No. Target unlock. UNLOCK! Please help me nice lady."

"Firing main cannon."

Caboose says, "Uh-oh."

Tucker mirrors him saying, "Uh-oh."

So look down and I see the barrel point right at me. "What?" And in that last brief second, I saw what was about to happen. "Oh Son of a Bi…" BAM!.

Tucker panics, "HOLY FUCK! Church, are you okay? Talk to me, Church!" Then he directs his attention to Caboose, "You killed Church, you team-killing fucktard!"

Sheila says, "Auto-fire sequence deactivated."

Basically, I'm gonna die in like 5 seconds, so I call over to Tucker to tell him something, "Tucker. Tucker!"

So he kneels down next to me, "Church! It's going to be okay, man."

"No. Ah... I'm na, I'm not gonna make it. Tucker, there's something I need to tell you."

"What is it?"

So I decided with my last breath to piss him off, "I just want you to know…I always hated you. I always hated you the most."

Tucker gets up and starts walking away. "Yeah, I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you prick."

"Okay…HrrrrBlaaaaahh."

Now, what happened next was a bit of a blur in terms of details. From what I remember seeing, Tucker and Caboose charged the red base, and we're pretty successful in scaring the shit out of Grif, Simmons, and Donut. I also learned that the tank's AI had a name, Sheila. Anyway, someone brought in an air strike, and started bombing the shit out of the canyon. Then I overheard a conversation between Tucker and Caboose and this annoying guy from Blue Command named Vic talking about "Freelancer Tex." So I freak. I knew Tex personally, and you're gonna have to keep reading to see how.

So anyway, I appear out of nowhere right in front of both of them, "Tucker... Tuuuckerrr..."

Tucker looks over at me and freaks, "Who the hell are you?"

"I am the ghost of Chuuuurch... and I've come back with a waaarniiing..." Yeah I was trying to imitate the movie shit when someone comes back as a ghost, but Caboose interrupted my speech, "You're not Church... Church is blue. You're white."

So I started talking normally, screaming at him because he pissed me off so much, "Rookie, shut up, man. I'm a freakin' ghost! Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?"

Tucker looks at Caboose, "Yeah, that's definitely him."

"Now I gotta start all over again." So, I cleared my throat and started the speech again, "Tucker... Tuuuckerrr... I've come back with a waaarniiing..."

Tucker stares and asks, "Is it really necessary to do the voice?"

Caboose adds, "Yeah, it's kinda annoying." Like you're not?

Whatever, I don't need to use the stupid voice, "Fine. Okay, here's the deal. I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let -."

Caboose interrupts me…again, "What's the warning?"

"Shut up for one second, and I'll tell you." He's really pissing me off now.

"Oh, sorry."

"Seriously, man, I mean, I'm coming back from the great beyond here. You think this is easy? It's not. It's not like I just, you know just pop in and out whenever I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration."

"Sorry."

"I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with, but now I come back and I can't even get a word in edgewise, man." I sigh before continuing… "Okay. Here's the deal," and get interrupted again.

"Is this the warning?"

That's he's gonna be my bitch now. "Alright, that's it, I swear to _God_, Caboose, your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you."

Tucker is getting pissed off too, "Yeah, you're even starting to bug _me_."

So I decided to talk directly to Tucker because talking to both of them was not working, "Okay, Tucker. You remember that I told you I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transferred me here to Blood Gulch, right?"

"No."

Caboose interrupts…AGAIN! "Sidewinder, isn't that the ice planet?"

So I tell him, "Yes!"

"Cool, what was _that_ like?"

"Um... it was _cold_."

Caboose looks confused, "That's it? Just cold?"

Ok, time for you to shut up Caboose, "What do you want from me, a poem? It's a planet made entirely out of ice. It's _really, fuckin' cold_."

Tucker looks at Caboose, "Would you just let him talk?"

OK FLASHBACK TIME AGAIN! The scene is the blue base on Sidewinder, everyone is wearing the standard issue armor except for one soldier in cobalt. Gee I wonder who that could be?

"Alright, well, one day when I was there, everything was just like normal. I remember, I was out on patrol with my partner Jimmy. That Jimmy was a real good kid, everybody liked him."

Tucker interrupts the story, "Do you think I was a good kid Church?"

"Tucker, don't get jealous man, just listen to the story, okay? Like I said, guys were hanging around, waitin' for some action, bitching about the cold..."

Man, it's fucking cold.

I hope we get some action.

So I continue, "Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home."

Jimmy says, Yep, soon as I get back, I'm gonna get down on one knee and ask her to marry me.

"And that's when Tex showed up. Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when all of a sudden he just started screaming bloody murder."

Bloody murder! Bloody murder! He turns around in circles while he says this, shooting at the ground randomly.

"The whole thing was over before it even started." Basically, Tex kicked everyone's ass. "Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head and beat him to death with it."

END FLASHBACK! Tucker asks, "Wait a second. How do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible."

"That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming."

Back to Flashback, where Tex is beating Jimmy to death with his own skull. This doesn't seem physically possible! (dies) Eeeeggh, blehhhhh.

END FB for good. "Bottom line is: these freelancers, they're bad news, and Tex is one of the worst."

Caboose asks, "If he's such a badass, why didn't he kill you?"

"To tell you I don't know _why_ I'm not dead. Could've killed me at any point. But maybe it's because Tex and I have run in to each other once before."

Tucker chimes in, "Where?"

"You uh, you remember that girl I told you about back home? Well, let's just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married. Guys, I'm fading fast and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning: don't let Tex get involved here."

"Ok."

"I mean it Tucker. No fighting, no scouting, nothing. You'll regret it." So I fade back into obscurity.

Ok, later that day, I come back and notice the flag is back. So I say, in this weird voice, "Blue team, flag returned."

Tucker turns around, "What the... who said that?"

So I cleared my throat and said, "Sorry, that was me. I uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back, by the way."

Caboose quickly turns around, "Hey... it's Church."

"Yeah, it's me. Hey Caboose."

"Hey Church, what're you up to?"

"Caboose, ah-huh-huh, I'm not really here to make small-talk, okay? How'd you guys manage to get your flag back?"

Tucker started to panic, he forgot that Tex wasn't supposed to get involved, "Wh, what? Oh, th, that flag? We've always had _that."_

_Yeah, that is the biggest piece of bullshit since I KNOW it was stolen. "_Tucker, who do you think you're trying to fool?" So that's when I notice, that there's only Tucker and Caboose. "Hey wait a second... _Where's Tex_?"

Tucker was screwed so he thought of the only story he could, "I'm not really sure, he said he was gonna go to the store, something about uh, Elbow Grease."

Ok, I was beyond pissed, I was livid, "Oh great. This is so _typical!_ What was the _one thing_ I told you guys the last time I appeared?"

Caboose answers, "That Sidewinder is cold?"

DEAR GOD, CABOOSE! "UGH! What was the _other_ _one thing_ I told you?"  
Tucker weakly answers, "Not to let him get involved?"

"Right. And what did you do?"

"We let him get involved."

"And not just a little involved, how involved?"

Caboose hangs his head and says, "Very, very involved."

So Caboose has the sniper rifle, and sees someone running down into their base. "Yep, he's definitely captured... Or dead... Captured or dead." He quickly gasps, "Or captured _and_ dead!" Which is highly impossible to happen.

So now I'm ticked off beyond belief and you're gonna find out why soon, "Oh, well that's just _perfect!"_

_Tucker can't believe what he's hearing, "_What? What is your problem? Why do you even care if he's captured, I thought you hated that guy anyway, for stealing your girlfriend?"

So I turn to him, "I never said I hated Tex. I just said that she was the reason why we never got married." No, that is not a typo.

Caboose turns around confused, "She?" Yes, I said 'she'. Tex isn't a guy. SHE is my ex-girlfriend that I told Tucker and Caboose about before

So after explaining the whole thing to Tucker, he asks me, "Let me get this straight... you're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose and beat the hell out of the reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend? "

"In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary," I responded pretty matter-of-factly.

Caboose says, "I should have known... She didn't like me..." Then he hangs his head, "Girls, never, like me."

Tucker looks at him and says, "Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you." Yeah, I'd agree with that Tucker.

Caboose sobs out, "I like me..."

Tucker turns back to me to resume talking about Tex, "I don't think I've seen a girl that _mean_ before. Are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like, part guy part shark?"

So I tell him, "I'm pretty sure I'd know if Tex was a guy." Then he add to make him REALLY REALLY pissed, "And I'm _definitely_ sure I would know if she was part shark."

Caboose asks, "Way, oh, wait oh wait. If she's a girl, then why is she named Tex?"

"Uh... because she's from _Texas_," is my reply. And he stares at me about to say something when I cut him off. "Trust me, it makes sense. And you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with."

Tucker decides to get into his pervert mode, "Right. You should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now, half women, half sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!"

"Will you shut up with that? She got recruited in to some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where, they infused her armor with this really aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell."

Caboose gets confused by the abbreviation, "_A.I..._ What's the A stand for?"

"Artificial," I said.

"...What's the I-."

"Intelligence." I replied anticipating the question.

"Ooohhhhhhhhh what was the A again?"

"Let's move on."

Tucker thinks he's got it now, "So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer. But underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?"

FUCK THAT SHIT! "Oh _hell_ no. She's always been a rotten bitch, it's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements."

"Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there buddy, she's a keeper."

"So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?"

Caboose tries to piece it together, but he fucks up, "I think so... That guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot."

Oh my God, did he miss the fact that I said that Tex is a girl, "Yeah... that's right... I'm a gay robot."

"Well don't worry, because I have a great plan for how we're gonna rescue Tex," I told them.

Tucker whines, "A plan? Oh, man, I _hate plans_. That means we're gonna have to do stuff. Can't we just have a strategy, or ...mission statement?"

Yeah, cry me a river douche bag, "I just need you guys to run a distraction, while I spring Tex."

Caboose asks, "Distraction? Heh. That sounds a lot like 'decoy.'"

"The way I see it, the reds have absolutely no idea how many freelancers we have out here. So all I need from the two of you, is to run around in the middle of the canyon, wearing black armor, while I sneak in the back of the base."

Tucker likes the plan, but is skeptical of one thing. "Sounds good. But Church, where the hell are we gonna get two suits of black armor?" All I did was turn towards the teleporter. "Oh fuckberries."

So later, I'm waiting up at the teleporter when Tucker comes through. "Are you okay, Tucker?"

Tucker responds, "Yeah, I'm fine." Then he turns back towards the base and yells, "Come on Caboose!"

Caboose looks at Tucker and yells back, "Does it hurt!"

"No, not at all!"

"Okay! Here I come!"

As he goes through the teleporter, I turned back to Tucker and asked him, "Does it hurt for real?"

"Oho, yeah. Big time."

Caboose emerges from the teleporter and cringes, "Owwchie." He then turns to Tucker and says, "You lied to me."

Meanwhile I, spot Grif leaving the inside of the base, and for some odd reason, I'm holding a sniper rifle, and have a radio, "Hey Tucker, come in man, are you there? This is Church, it's working. The orange one is coming out of the base. I repeat, the orange one is coming out of the base."

So Tucker responds, "Roger that."

"Okay, now just keep moving around outside of the base, and draw their attention."

So Tucker tells me, "Whoa wait wait, hey. What? I missed that, Caboose was talking to me. Shut up man, I'm on the radio."

"I said, just keep movin-."

So I hear Tucker yelling at Caboose, "I'm not yelling, I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Church. ...No, I'll tell him you said 'hi' _later_. No you can't talk to him. How could you possibly talk to him on my headset?"

"Oh my God. I can't believe I actually _died_ for this war."

So that's when I decided to make my move. I saw Sarge standing there, not paying attention, he was telling Grif, "They're definitely Special Ops. I ain't seen troop movements this coordinated since my days on Sidewi-heekagerger!" That's when I took over his body.

Grif asks Sarge/Me, "Sir, are you okay?"

So I panicked, I didn't know Grif's name at the time, "Uh, who you talking to, Red, me?"

"No. I'm talking to Lopez. Because, you know, _that's_ real rewarding." So Lopez took a swing at him with his pistol. "Hey, what'd I tell you about that?"

So I decided to make some bullshit excuse, "Oh, uh I, I'm fine, that's... I'm just so mad about, these uh, God damn blues out here. 'tslike I'm so _God damn mad_, I could spit!" So I hocked a loogie onto Sarge's visor. Suck that, red bitch.

Meanwhile Grif just stared at me. So he asks, "Um, sir? Did you just spit inside your own helmet?"

So I feigned embarrassment, I was really happy as fuck. "Uh, yeah. I guess I did."

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"Go ahead."

"That's really fucking gross." No shit Sherlock. Ok, time to free Tex. I ran down to the main part of the base, where I see Simmons holding Tex at gunpoint.

So I run down and say, "Hey man. What's up yo?"

Simmons looked a little confused at my speech, "Uh... hey... what's going on out there sir?"

Time to bullshit again, "What's uh, why, nothin'. Why would you ask if something's wrong?"

"I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war."

"Yeah well, I don't know. You're starting to act kinda suspicious there, ...other red guy. So I'm keeping my eye on you."

So he turned around to face Tex again, and I saw my opening. "Sarge, I'm starting to think that-." WHACK** "**Ow, geez, the back of my head!"

So Tex is REALLY confused, she screams, "What the hell are you doing?"

So I say, "Tex! It's me, Church! I've come to rescue you."

"You're kind of short to be Church," she tells me. Nice parody on the Star Wars scene.

"What? Oh yeah, right. The armor."

So I leave Sarge's body. "Harurgh! What in Sam Hell? Where the- Who spit on my visor?"

I didn't have time to give her the full story, so I decided to summarize and get the hell out of there, **"**Tex, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I'm a spirit now, and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this red guy, so that I could sneak in to the base and rescue you, while the rest of our guys run around out in the middle of the canyon, dressed in black armor, that they got from going through the teleporter."

"...Okay." Wait. SHE GOT THAT! "What... that's it? Okay? You're not surprised by any of this?"

"No, it pretty much all makes sense." Wow, she's as smart as I remembered her.

"Not even the whole "Church is a ghost" thing? That didn't do anything for ya?"

"I can see right through you, it's pretty obvious..."

"Okay, well, let me hop back in this guy and we'll get outta here."

That's when I went back into Sarge's body. "Harurghk!"

.**"**Alright, I'll make one more distraction, then you run up to the teleporter, and escape. Ready? One... Two... Three!" Suddenly Sarge's body is shot, and he falls dead. And I'm left holding the bag. "What the? Where did my body go?" That's when I looked over to the rock Caboose was hiding behind, and I see the sniper rifle in his hands, "Oh, you've gotta be KIDDING me!"

"Tucker did it!" Bullshit.


	3. Chapter 3

Red vs. Blue: The Church Files Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles  
Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360. But other than that… 

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2005.  
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

Ok, I got lazy, and I decided to skip a few episodes. Sorry for not updating, but I accidentally deleted the files when I got my new hard drive. Any way, here's Chapter 3, the end of Season 1.

Chapter 3:  
What a Waste

Ok, this next part is boring…and I mean crappy Anime boring, like Wolf's Rain, I hated that one (A/N: seriously, I did). Anyways, Sarge dies, I joke with him in the Spirit world and his buddies save him. Tex and I get into an argument over if we're square or not. Then she agrees to help us beat the reds and goes to fix the tank. I go up on the ridge to keep an eye on the Reds…and that's when I saw something that I was REALLY not happy about…my dead body, rotting right on the ridge in plain view.

"HEY TUCKER!"

"What!"

"WHAT THE HELL IS MY BODY STILL DOING UP HERE!" I was MORE than livid, even more than I was at Caboose in all the times he's pissed me off… COMBINED!

Tucker decideds to be a little wise ass, "That's part of being dead, Church. You're body doesn't move around that much. Maybe you haven't fully grasped the concept yet"

Why you little…"Alright, lemme rephrase that…WHY THE HELL HAVEN'T YOU BURIED MY BODY!"

"Buried! With WHAT! All we have is pistols and rifles, What do you want me to do, SHOOT you a grave?" Yeah, it's a little thing called a grenade. Maybe you could've BLOWN UP ONE FOR ME!

"Well then how about shipping me back home. You know, let the loved ones pay a little respect." Come on, asshole top that one.

"Well Church, here's your girlfriend." Oh, crap I forgot. "Tex, as one of Church's loved ones, would you like to pay your respects"

I waited for her to say something, but she kept working on the tank. "That was a stirring eulogy. Rest in peace, good buddy!"

So the jackass and the idiot came up on top of the ridge while Tex kept working on the tank, and we stared at my body…and stared at it…

"I am not happy about this." Ready for more foot in mouth? Too bad.

"I have an idea," Caboose says. So we ignore him. He only says it louder, "I HAVE AN IDEA!"

So Tucker bluntly says, "Yeah, we heard you the first time, Caboose. We were just ignoring you."

But Caboose continues his idea anyway, "Since you possessed that red guy, and took control of him, why don't you just possess your own body?" Hmmm…interesting comment; that could work…IF I WASN'T ALREADY DEAD!

"Oh I see, so that way I would be living inside of my own dead body."

"Yes." He seemed very pleased with himself.

"Unable to move, just, laying there, rotting in the sun for all eternity."

"Yes," time to take him down a notch.

"Okay Caboose, I'll be sure to get right on that."

He hangs his head, "I think you are a mean ghost."

That's when Tucker says, "Dude, you really stink"

"What!" How can I stink, I have no ODOR to give off, I am a ghost.

"Your body! It stinks!" Well DUH, it's been sitting out in the sun for like a WEEK now.

"Tucker, the first chance we get, you are going to bury my body."

"Quit yer bitching, nothing's going to happen to it." IT'S LYING OUT IN THE SUN ROTTING RETARD! I THINK SOMETHING'S HAPPENING TO IT!

Plus, "IT'S A FREAKING INDIGNITY! My body fought hard for this army, and it deserves to be laid to rest."

"Get over it, you're already dead. What's the worst that could happen now?" True, I mean, not like it's gonna get eaten by buzzards out here in the middle of nowhere where there aren't any buzzards.

"Hey, Church. Look, birds!" Birds? What birds? There aren't any birds here. "Why are they flying around in circles?"

You have gotta be kidding me. "Nuh, God." AM I A FUCKING MAGNET FOR THIS SHIT!

Anyways, after that's settled, we turn to matters of the Sheila kind while Caboose is playing with the sniper rifle. "How long do you figure until Tex fixes the tank?"

Tucker says, "Not much longer, she said it's going pretty well. The gun's almost working, and then she'll get it moving again."

Not good…not GOOD! "Oh, that's just fantastic!"

Tucker seemed shocked at me saying that, "Why would that upset you?"

Great, something else I need to spell out for him, "Because as soon as she gets the tank online, she's gonna use it against the reds, and they're all gonna die."

"The reds dying is a good thing."

Not for me. "No Tucker, it's not a good thing. As soon as we beat the reds, Tex is outta here! And I still haven't figured out a way to get that A.I. out of her head."

"A-I..."

"Shut up, Caboose!" Back to Tucker, "And if I don't get it out before she leaves..."

"If she leaves, you'll never find her again," he finishes for me.

"Right" for once.

"So what're you gonna do?" Well let's see. Possess her and make her stop…no she'd definitely dump me for that. Possess Tucker and commit murder…No she'd dump me for that too. Possess Caboose and commit suicide…I'll keep that option open, but that doesn't solve the situation. Only one option left, and I'm not gonna like it.

"I guess I'm gonna do the only thing that I can do. I have to warn the reds before she fixes the tank"

"You're switching sides?" Tucker asks me.

Not officially, but yeah, "Sorry guys. I don't have much choice."

So Caboose says, "Church, uh, wha, what happens when the reds come out here, to stop Tex, and then they come also with guns and they find us?"

"I'll try to help you as best I can. Good luck guys/"

And as I fade away, I hear Caboose say, "Does this mean I should try to kill Church now?" Dear God, Caboose!

So I sneak up on the red base and see Grif and Simmons standing there and talking…again. But there's a new addition, Lopez. So I decide to possess him. Meanwhile, they're going on with Simmons saying, "Hey."

Grif replied, "Yeah."

Simmons asks him, "You ever wonder why we're here."

Grif retorts, "No. I never wonder why we're here. Semper fi, bitch."

Then I make my move, "Keegakergerk"

Simmons turns around saying, "What? What's wrong with Lopez?"

Grif just keeps facing the canyon, "I don't care."

Simmons asks Lopez/Me, "Hey, Lopez, uh... you okay man?"

So I go to tell him, "Guys I need to give a warning." But it comes out, "Aye, muchachos, necesité darle... un aviso..." (A/N: Ok, for this section, the captions will be in parantheses after the quote)

Wait, am I speaking Spanish? "¿Qué¿Por qué estoy el hablar en español¡Yo no puedo hablar español!" (What! Why am I speaking Spanish? I don't know Spanish.

So Simmons, maybe understanding, says, "Um... Sure."

"¡No¡No, escucha mé¡La bruja teva a matar¡Ella está travajando en la tanque!" (No, listen to me! The mean woman is going to kill you! She is fixing the tank!) Come on, understand PLEASE!

That's when Caboose gets on the radio saying, "Come in Private Church. Do you copy. Soldier unit Tex almost has the armor vehicle situation rectified. Okay. We require verification of your... mission...ness. Ahem. How is your progression?"

So I tell him, "¡Caboose¡Nadie aquí está escuchando mí¡No mas puedo hablar español!" (Caboose! No one here is listening to me! And I can only speak Spanish for some reason!)

So I turn off the radio and try to slowly explain in basic terms to these idiots that a big tank is coming. "UN TANKEEEEEEEEE GRAAAAAAAANDEEEEEEE!"

Grif says, "Hey. I think if you're gonna live in this country, you should speak the language." But my attention is in the background where I can see Sheila. And I hear, "Target locked." Oh SHIT!

"What country? We're on an alien planet." Simmons retorts to Grif.

"What are you, a Communist?" **_BAM!_** GODDAMNIT!

Grif screams, "**SON OF A BITCH!**"

Simmons screams, "**SON OF A BITCH!**"

I scream, "**_MADRE DE DIOS!_**" (**_SON OF A BITCH!_** not really, but same concept) I also started freaking out and pointing at the idiots on the ridge…with my middle fingers.

Sarge says, "Simmons. I'm coming around in the Warthog. Get ready to take the gunner position when I come by."

Simmons replies, "Roger that."

Then Grif, the lazy coward says, "I'll uh…I'll stay here."

"Yeah, stay here and guard this cement ramp. It's vital to our success." He gets on the machine gun. "Alright, I'm on board."

Sarge starts to explain his grand master plan, "Alright, here's the plan-." **_BAM!_** "JUNEBUG!" Bye-bye jeep…again.

So the two come back, and Grif says, "Wow, back so soon? You guys win the war already?"

Simmons also seems annoyed, "Yeah, uh, did you want to finish telling me the plan now, Sarge?"

So he says, "If we survive this, I'm gonna kill both of ya. Slowly."

Then, Grif, wiseass that he is, kneels down next to Simmons and says, "Uh, hey Simmons? By the way, the ramp is secure."

Another round goes off near us, and Donut comes out…in his pink armor. "Hey, what're you guys doin' up here?"

Grif says, "That chick in the black armor's back."

"What chick, the one that stuck the grenade to my head?"

Simmons responds, "That's the one."

"The same chick whose fault it is that I'm stuck in this light red armor?" Light RED! More like PINK!

Grif shared my sentiments, "Donut, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity, but really dude. It's a whole lot faster just to say pink."

"Ohhuw. Oh I been waiting for this." He runs to the edge of the base after another round goes off. Then he screams, "**_HEY BITCH! REMEMBER ME! I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA!_**"

Then he hurls this grenade high in the air and we all watch it. It just sails through the air before it comes to a rest…right on Tex's chest. I think I hear her say, "Oh crap."

Donut screams, "**_HELL YEAH! THREE POINTS, YOU DIRTY WHORE!_**"

Then it explodes and I shout, "**_DIOS MIO, NO!_**" (**_MY GOD, NO!_**) I run out to the tank screaming, "**TEJAS! TEJAS!"** (**TEX! TEX!**)

I arrive at her side as she's dying. She says, "Church, is that you? It, it's gone, Church. The A.I., it's gone. Thank you. Heeeee, bleah..."

………………

I watch her for a minute, then look up at the idiots on the ridge, looking down at us. Basically, if I was still alive, and my helmet was off…then I'd be wide-eyed, veins-popping out of my forehead, and snarling like a grizzly. You know, that completely deranged face an anime character gets when they get **_INCREDIBLY PISSED OFF!_** Those two better watch out, because it's gonna be the return of Hulkamania, running wild on them. Time to go **_FUCK START BOTH OF THEIR HEADS!_**

Season 1 is done. BB with Season 2 in a few days. R + R


	4. Chapter 4

Red vs. Blue: The Church Files  
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360. But other than that…  
Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2005.  
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

A/N: Ok, sorry for being late. APs and Finals…and the fact that I totally forgot about this. Well…ONTO SEASON 2!

Chapter 4:

Back in Blue

3 Months Later…

"Hey Church, we have a problem." Ok, recap of the past three months. First off, I kicked both of the idiots' asses 'cause I felt like it. We then buried both my body and Tex's body. Then for 6 weeks, we tried as hard as humanly (and ghostly) possible to get the fucking Spanish setting on Lopez turned off. Then, we spray painted my body blue. Now, things are back to normal…somewhat.

"I am NOT your mother. So don't come tattling to me every time one of you does something the other doesn't like," I yelled at Tucker. They've been bitching to me back and forth for like a month now, Tucker especially.

"I'm telling you, he's crazy. He keeps threatening me and talking in a scary voice," he bitched about Caboose.

"No I didn't," Caboose retorted directly to Tucker.

"Oh, so you're saying that you didn't threaten to cut off my head and give it to Church as a BIRTHDAY PRESENT!"

"Y'know, I think you're taking my words a little out of context," Caboose said in probably the single most intelligent sounding sentence he's ever said.

"What? What context?"

"Listen guys, this competition thing has got to stop, okay? I thought we'd established by now…" I started to explain when someone behind me said,

"Excuse me."

I shrug it off and continued to Caboose and Tucker, "Hey pal? One second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here. Ah look, I thought we'd established by now, I don't like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention, is not gonna do ya any good."

"Excuse me," he said yet again.

So I turned around and saw this guy in purple armor, "Okay. Yes. Hello. Who're you?"

Behind me, Caboose said something to Tucker to make him say, "He's doing that _thing_ again..."

Anyway, the new guy says, "My name's DuFresne... uh, are you Private Tucker?" Ok, first off for you readers, this guy is Medical Officer Dufresne, or Doc as we call him. He's very vital to the story later on, but right now, he's an annoyance.

"No, I am not Private Tucker," I told him, and I'm very thankful for that. "My name is Church. _This_ is Private Tucker," I said pointing behind me to my left.

"Yo," the idiot responded.

"And our friend over there in regulation blue, that's Caboose…or O'Malley, or whatever the hell he's calling himself." Yeah, after the whole Tex incident, Caboose started to call himself O'Malley, and this is probably the most important fact of the story, but that's for another time.

"Why did you introduce me second?" he asked me.

Tucker put it bluntly and perfectly, "Because he hates you."

Doc explained, "I received your call for a medic."

Caboose turned his head at that, "Medic? That was like 3 months ago."

Tucker added, "Yeah, what'd you do, CRAWL all the way here?"

"I came as quickly as I could," he said. "Where's the patient?"

Not gonna like this, "Well, she's about 50 yards behind you…and SIX FEET straight DOWN!" Yeah, like I said, we buried Tex already.

"Oh. I'm sorry about your loss."

That caught me off guard, "What- oh, yeah. Yeah, thanks man, it was tough but, well, what're you gonna do..."

Caboose said, "We didn't like her very much. She was mean to other people."

Doc made an interesting observation, there's two graves over there, "Who's in the other grave?"

Ok, ready for awkwardness? "That's uh, that's me. I'm in that grave."

So Doc looks at me all weird, "...uh huh. ...course."

And thus, more foot in mouth, "See, he got killed by this crazy, runaway tank…"

Tucker interrupts him, "Or by the idiot driving it."

Caboose resumes, merely acknowledging that he killed me, "Oh yeah, and then he became, uh, this really mean ghost, and uh, took over a Mexican robot's body, uh, oh! And then we had to uh, oyathatsright, spray paint him, ah, to make him blue, and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man. ...who ...is blue."

Tucker then added, "Right, and it took us six weeks to get his Spanish setting turned off." Well, it's off, but I can still control it bitch.

"No esta completamente apagado, bendejo." (Not entirely turned off, moron).

So the dumbass just hangs his head, sighs, and says, "I'll go get the Spanish dictionary."

So Doc was really confused, "Wait, so, no one here is hurt?"

I switched back to English and told him, "No, we're fine. In fact, I feel better than ever. See now whenever these two idiots really start to bug me, I can always just turn my ears off. Couldn't do that before."

Caboose was a little shocked, "You said they were shorting out."

So, I switch them off, "I'm sorry, what was that Caboose? _**I can't hear you**_."

Doc continued raising this medical thing, with this green light that he once told indicates depression, cancer, and other medical problems…and causes impudency.

"Well then let me just check you two out, and I'll be on my way."

Tucker seemed a little freaked out by this, "Whoa... check us out? Is this gonna be one of those things where I have to turn my head and cough?"

"No, I'm just gonna check your vitals."

Foot in mouth, once again, "I bet I have better vitals than you... What's a vital?" My God, you're stupid. But then I realize something, he's checking the morons…and then leaving. What the fucking hell?

"On your way? I don't think so, bud. Aren't you here to join our squad?"

"No, I'm just here to help out with Tex, and then assist in the canyon as needed." Well you're failing…BADLY!

"First of all, great job on the Tex thing. Mission accomplished. Secondly, the way that we need you to assist, is to help us kill all the reds."

"Well, even if my orders didn't prohibit me from doing that, I still wouldn't. I joined the army as a conscientious objector." Oh you have GOT to be kidding me! Basically…he's a gigantic pussy. But Tucker, had no idea what "conscientious objector" meant. Hell, I don't even think he knows conscientious means. "A conshe- who?"

So Doc had to explain it to him, "I'm a pacifist."

"You're a thing babies suck on?"………I'm not gonna say anything.

"No, dude. That's a pedophile," Tucker told Caboose. Now I have to say something.

"Tucker, I think he means a pacifier," dumbass.

"Oh, right. Man I was totally thinking of something else." Wow, you might be the most sexually challenge man in the universe.

"That's real classy, Tucker."

So Doc does his scan, then says, "Well, everyone here checks out. I'll come back and check on you before I leave the canyon. Can you tell me which way to the red base?"

Tucker asked, "Why? You said you weren't gonna fight 'em." Tucker had a point, which is why I got really disturbed by Doc's next statement.

"I'm not. Resources are low, so I'm on loan to both armies to help whichever side needs me at the time." Ok, now you are REALLY kidding me. I mean, why would our army ALLOW this guy to help the Reds. OUR GOAL IS TO KILL THE REDS…isn't it?

"Man, that is so freaking LAME!"

"I'm just gonna go to red base and see if they need any help."

So I gave him a quick warning, "Well, if you're gonna go up to red base, I'd recommend putting away that little medical thingie of yours. They see you walking up carrying that thing, they're gonna shoot it right out of your hand." That's when a sniper shot happened to whiz by and hit Doc's scanner. Wait…sniper shot?

Oh shit. "Yeah, just like that. SCATTER!"

Suddenly, we're bombarded by a haze of bullets. The reds had actually formulated an attack plan. THEY NEVER ATTACK! They just sit at their base and bitch. Why the fuck are they finally attacking. Now Caboose ran behind this rock on the other side of the base. We had a perfectly good one over here, but he's an idiot. I could just let him die…or I could send Tucker to die with him…Yeah, I'm sending Tucker.

"Ok, Tucker. I need you to get up there, help Caboose shore up the defense, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice."

Tucker looked at me like a deer in the headlights, "I didn't even know what the half of that meant."

"Just go over to Caboose's rock, and fire your gun a bunch."

He looks over at Caboose, "That rock!" and between us and Caboose was a literal HAIL of bullets. "Yeah, I don't think so."

"We do not have time to discuss this."

"Sure, no time for _you_ to discuss it. You get to hang out here with Nancy No-Bullets shootin' the breeze. Meanwhile, I'm out there, running around, eating a machine gun sandwich."

"Tucker, we're gonna give you covering fire." Not really, but…yeah, not really.

"Covering fire? Unless that means you're gonna build a huge, bullet-proof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now."

I smiled, "No problem. Oh wait wait, does the blood have to be _in_ your body?"

So, with Tucker being a pussy, I decided to see if Doc was LESS of a pussy than I thought he was before. "Alright you, Doc, get over there and help Caboose!"

"My name isn't Doc, it's DuFresne." Well, we have a problem.

"Yeah. I can't pronounce that, so from now on, your name is Doc."

"I'm not really comfortable with that; I'm not a doctor, I'm a medic." Yeah, so?

"What's the difference?" Tucker just had to ask.

"Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable…while they die."

That scared the living shit out of Tucker, "Mental note: don't ever get shot."

But, I didn't care about that, "It's settled then. Your name is now Doc."

"Alright, but I don't think it'll stick."

"Oh, trust us, it'll stick." Tucker added.

Now back to business at hand. "Now get over to Caboose, and help him hold that position."

"I don't have a gun, _I am a pacifist_." Pussy.

"Well then just get over there, and yell **bang bang bang**."

"Eh, I don't know. Even that sounds pretty aggressive." Even BIGGER pussy.

Tucker added, "Oh, come on."

"Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt."

Is that so? Well I could shoot Tucker, but then he'd just stay here. Oh yeah, I'm going to enjoy this. "Huh. I see." I shot Caboose in the foot and he started crying. "Well, looks like Caboose has hurt himself. Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc."

"You know, you could have just asked nicely." Just get over there…pussy.

Well eventually, Doc started helping Caboose and I heard Caboose say, "I can't believe Church shot me."

"OH DON'T EVEN START CABOOSE!"

Now in this time, that hail of bullets I mentioned before stopped. Tucker asks me, "Hey dude, why aren't the reds firing?"

"I don't know, maybe they're outta ammo."

That is when Sarge yells down to us, "Hey blues! We are giving you a chance to surrender!"

What? "Surrender!"

Oh yeah, they're out of ammo. Let's try to see who's fault it is shall we. They probably handed out the job in a staff meeting. Sarge loves Simmons too much to make him do it. Donut just does everything that Sarge says and both of them are probably ready to kiss ass in a meeting...yeah, Grif was supposed to bring ammo.

So Sarge repeats himself, "I repeat, We are giving you a chance to surrender!"

I tell Tucker, "Yeah, they're definitely out of ammo." Then I turn to the reds and ask, "What are your terms?"

"THEY'RE WHAT!" I wasn't really gonna surrender, I just wanted to see what they wanted to make it look real.

So, after a few seconds, Sarge screams back, "Alright blues! First off! We want your flag..."

Oh great, we have to give them that. But then I saw Simmons say something to Sarge, and heard "chick in the black armor." Tex must've done some number on them when I heard the rest to the sentence.

"…to stay right where it is! Keep the flag!" Yeah, suck it bitch. "But we do want our mechanized droid guy back!"

"Uh-oh." Oh shit.

"You may know him as Senor El Roboto." (Too lazy to find the thing with the tilde)

Tucker asks me, "Well Church, what's it gonna be?"

FUCK NO! "Chingado, no way. I'm not giving back my body. I just got this thing."

"And don't think you can keep his nuts! Or bolts, or other mechanical parts you may have!" Sarge finishes.

I yell back, "Uh, uh he's not here any more!"

Tucker assists, "Yeah, he left! He was all like "Sayonara!" and then he just took off!"

"That's not Spanish you idiot, that's French." Wait, French…I got it. "Let's try this. Hey reds! How about a medic! Would you take a medic as a hostage!"

So Doc overhears this and says, "A hostage? But I'm supposed to go over there."

Meanwhile I ask Doc about Caboose, "Hey Doc. How's the patient?"

"Doing well. He seems very alert and responsive."

Tucker is confused, "He's talking about Caboose, right?" Yeah I don't think Caboose is ever alert or responsive when needed to be. But that's not what I'm asking about.

"No I mean his toe, how's the toe I shot?"

"What that thing? That fell off like half an hour ago."

Caboose then starts sobbing, "Rest in peace, pinky toe." Then suddenly his voice gets really deep and he says, "You shall be avenged!"

But then Doc agrees, "Tell you what. Go ahead and send me over. I really don't think I can be any more help."

Ok reds, here's your deal, "Okay! We're gonna send over our medic! Now what do **we** get?"

Simmons didn't take to kindly to me asking for something, "You! You're surrendering! You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule!"

Tucker told them, "We've already got that! What else do you have?"

So Sarge asks us, "What do you want?"

Perfect… "How about if you admit that the red team sucks?"

They quickly whispered something and Sarge asked, "What if we admit that one of us sucks?"

I hear Grif say, "_Nice._ Wait, you mean Donut, right?"

Two hours later…

"Okay then! We agree to the terms? You first, and then we send over the medic!" This is gonna be funny as hell. Grif is standing out in the open. I wish I had a video cam- Oh wait, I do. Hehehe.

"Ugh, I would just like to let everyone know, that I suck...!"

Not enough "And?"

"And that I'm a girl...!"

Keep going. "What else?"

"And I like ribbons in my hair, and I want to kiss all the boys...!"

Simmons asks, "Okay, is that good enough?"

"Yeah! Alright, go ahead Doc."

Ok, so recap. The medic arrived, the reds attacked, I got some revenge on Caboose, and now the annoying medic is gone. Now for other matters… "Hey Tucker, gimme a piggyback ride into the base." Oh this is gonna be funny as shit.


	5. Chapter 5

Red vs. Blue: The Church Files

Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360. But other than that…

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2005.

Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

DX IS BACK BITCHES! AND I'VE GOT TWO WORDS FOR YOU ALL THAT DON'T REVIEW! But that's neither here nor there. We've got a story to write.

Chapter 5:

Some Switches are Better Left Turned Off

Ok, so the idiot didn't want to give me a piggyback ride, but then Tucker had a smart suggestion. "Hey Church, if your body is the red team's old droid, and droids usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Sheila?"

That was actually a good idea. But then, Tucker has his moments…which come more often than Caboose's. I wonder if I can declare him clinically braindead? Oh well. "Huh... Well, yeah it's worth a shot, I guess. Ahem, Alright. Stand back. Huhrur... Keeungh... Hoom..." Ok, I have no idea how this piece of shit robot works.

"Anything?"

"Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think it would be."

"Maybe there's a button on you somewhere..." Good thinking, you look, I'll just sit here checking his systems.

"See what you can find. I'll keep trying from in here... Hurhoor... Oh! Hey!" YES!

"Found it?"

"Nah, no wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees, by the way."

"What? It's not twenty-six degrees out here, that's freezing."

"Celsius, Tucker."

"Oh come on dude, celcius sucks." So he crouched down to check my lower body, "Hey, I found something."

"Oh yeah? You found a button?"

"No dude, it's more like a…switch." He paused, which means he thinks that the switch is bad. And the switch is bad why?

"Well, give it a flip."

"I don't wanna flip it."

"What's the problem?" Not like its…y'know.

"It's in a weird place." It is…y'know. Shit.

"Oh you've gotta be kidding me."

"You flip it." Yeah right. I'm not gonna…y'know…make it look like I'm jacking off in public. Besides, "These arms aren't that flexible. I can't even reach down there." His next suggestion was even worse.

"What about Caboose?"

HELL FUCKING NO! HE IS NOT TOUCHING THIS BODY UNLESS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY! Wait…it is absolutely necessary, shit. Hell, he probably doesn't even know how one of these works. "Man, he's so stupid, I don't even know if he knows how to operate a switch."

"Oh man..." JUST DO IT ASS!

"Tuck, Tucker, come on. We'll laugh about it later. I'll buy you dinner."

So he tries…then bitches. Who didn't see that one coming. "It won't move, it's stuck."

So I smirked and said, "Did you try wiggling it?"

To which he, rather vehemently replied, "No way, I'm not wiggling your dongle."

Bitch, "Oh, stop being a baby. Just wiggle it." So he tries again…

So one awkward moment of silence later, I add, "So, you from around here baby?"

"Okay look, if you want me to do this, you can't talk like that."

"Alright alright alright alright, I'm sorry, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding." Not…Gaylord.

"I wish Tex was here, she wouldn't have any problem flipping it." I don't think so, buddy.

"You obviously did not know Tex that well." So he kneels back down and this time, it works. However, now I hear this constant beeping noise. At the time I had no idea what I just did, but it seems that I somehow activated a remote control for the Reds' jeep.

"There! Anything?"

"Nope. Nothin'. That's kinda weird. Do you hear something beeping?"

"What? What beeping, I don't hear anything."

What the hell do you mean what beeping, It's blowing my ears out.

"Ok, shut up and listen." So he did… "There, you hear that?"

"Is it like a screaming, high pitched whistling noise, followed by a series of random clicks?" he asked.

"No it's just like this constant 'beep beep beep' noise."

"Oh... then no, I don't hear anything." Hold on, whistling and clicks? What the hell?

"Do you eh, wait - do you actually hear a series of whistling noises followed by some random clicks?"

"No, I was just tryin' to be helpful." Right…ok then.

"Yeah, well, you're failing."

Foot in mouth returns, "All I hear is that voice, you know telling us to kill all our friends before they have a chance to kill us."

So both of us look at Caboose, who just happened to walk up to us at that time. Cue the awkward silence…and then more foot in mouth. "Wait, you guys don't hear that?"

So back to the matter at hand, "Oh man, I can't take this any more. Tucker, you're gonna have to do something, man, this beeping is going to drive me crazy."

That's where the funny shit starts happening to the reds. The jeep starts driving itself. Meanwhile, we try to turn the damn thing off.

Caboose kneels down because Tucker was too weak to move the switch…at least that's what he told me…dumbass. "I see a switch down here. _It's not very big."_

_Tucker tells him, "_Oh yeah, that's it. Just flip it."

"Wait, stop." Ok, let's make sure he doesn't break it.

"Caboose... do you know how to work a switch?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…." Great, I was right.

"Alright. Here's a full tutorial then. The switch is pointed in _one_ direction, just turn it around, so that it's pointed in the _other_ direction."

A few seconds later, "Oops. It broke itself."

"UGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" CABOOSE! I KNEW HE COULDN'T BE TRUSTED!

So, with the switch gone, Tucker now starts messing with the wires, "Okay, I see two wires down here. One's green, the other one's red."

Foot in mouth, "What about the blue one?"

"That's your thumb, idiot." Wow.

"Come on guys, just grab whichever one goes to the switch, and yank it out." I was getting pissed and bored.

"Ey, I can't tell which one goes over there."

"Then just Yank 'em both!"

Caboose resumes babbling, "Church, if we pick the wrong one, you could explode."

"I don't care, look, just follow the red one."

Now our technical wizard Tucker starts digging DEEPER into Lopez. "Okay, I see what's going on here. The red one goes close to the switch, and the green one goes... yeugh, someplace else."

"Fine, just pull it. Take out the red one."

After a little more senseless babbling by Caboose, Tucker is ready to pull the wire out.

"Okay Church, you ready, I'm gonna yank the wire."

"JUST DO IT ALREADY!"

"Alright, Alright, here goes nothin'. One... Two... Three!" So he pulls it out and the beeping stops.

"Oh God yes, finally! Some freakin' peace and quiet! I thought that was gonna drive me nuts!" So I go to walk to the base, but somethings wrong. "Hey. Why can't I move my legs?" Oh shit…

"This is great, this is just great. Thanks a lot Caboose. Now what'm I supposed to do: my lower half is damaged."

"Why don't you try walking it off?"

Oh…my…God. "I can't use my legs, moron.".

"Oh, I see. ...Have you tried running? My God, you're stupid

Tucker stepped in to interrupt more stupid comments, "This doesn't seem like that big a deal, you hardly ever used your legs before anyway. I've never heard of a grown man asking for so many piggy-back rides."

"Hey, I already told you: that was for science."

"Why don't you just try, **walking on your hands?** Then you could your feet for high fiiiiives, and ...eatin' sandwicheeeees... you know, the important stuff." Shut up, Caboose.

So I tell Tucker, "Well just start reattaching wires, I'll tell you when I feel something."

So he does something, "What about that, do you feel that Church?"

"No, what're you doing, I don't feel anything."

Then Caboose starts up again, "Oh, Church? You know, I was thinkin'. ...Uh yih yih ya know, when you, when you eat ice cream too fast sometimes and it hurts your brain?"

"Hey Caboose? Yeah. Shut up."

"Uh... Church? I think that you should know that the reds are-."

SHUT UP! "Dammit Caboose! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, _just for once, if you'd **shut yer freakin' mouth!"**_

_That's when I heard a voice behind me, "_Hey blues, we're here to-. What the hell are you guys doing?" You have got to be kidding me.

So Tucker says, "Oh crap, the reds are here."

"What? Caboose, why didn't you say anything? Hey. One of you guys turn me around. I still can't move my legs."

Grif, one of the two reds that came asked, "What were you doing down there?" Oh shit, don't tell me he thinks we're gay because of that.

"Nothing. What're you talking about?"

"We were just playing a game!"

"Hey Caboose, we'll handle this."

So I heard Grif and Doc mumble something. Wait…Doc? What's he doing here?

"Whaddaya want, reds? Get outta here, or we'll start shootin' at ya!"

Grif tells me, "Oh yeah? You care to make that threat to my face?" So I try to shift myself around on my waist, but it doesn't get me anywhere, "Uhgh... no."

"Yeah I didn't think so. Punk." What was that, girlpants?

So Simmons starts up, "Whoa whoa whoa, calm down guys. We didn't come here to fight. We just came to give back the prisoner." Wait, WHAT!

"Give him back? You can't give him back, you took him, a deal's a deal."  
"Yeah, well forget it. We don't want him." Grif tells us. Well we don't either, jackass. That's why we gave him to you in the first place.

"Well, sorry, you can't have another prisoner. That was our last one." I tell him, still facing away from him.

"Hey dude, what is your problem?"

"Didn't your mama ever tell you it's impolite not to look at someone when you're talking to them?"

Foot in mouth time….now, "He's shy!" No, my leg motors are just busted.

"Shut up. Look, we don't want him back, and we don't care what you do with him. Now if you don't mind, we'd appreciate if you'd leave us alone. We're in the middle of something, kinda private over here."

Simmons tells us, "Fine, but don't come asking for him back later."

Tucker adds, "We won't."

Grif says, "Last chance."

"BEAT IT REDS!"

"Alright, we're goin', we're goin'."

So it's quiet for a while, and I ask the idiots, "What's going on? Are they there? Did they leave? Hey somebody tell me what's happening!"

"I don't know, I can't really see too clearly. I bet I could see better if I had that sniper rifle..."

"Uh, Tucker? You might wanna look behind you." I tell him, because he's facing the red base. So he turns around and sees a very scary sight…Caboose holding the sniper rifle.

"Mother fucker."

"Uh ooh Church, Church. Okay, I s, I see something... okay... uh the two red ones are walking away... uh... but the purple one is..." Then Caboose's voice gets really deep and he says, "I think he's going to attack."

"Purple. Oh wait, the purple guy's that worthless medic."

Tucker says, "He's not gonna attack, he's a pussy fest."

"PACIFIST!" Dumbass.

"Ah, whatever, let's tie him up and roll him through the teleporter."

"Wait a second wait a second, think about this for a minute. Why would the reds leave him out there by himself? This has to be some kind of trick."

Then the retard says, "I'll bet they've used some kind of, brain washing technique on him. They're, they're probably planning, to have him do, all their dirty plans... and also the schemes..."

"Caboose, that is ridiculous." Tucker points out.

Then more retardedness follows, "Is it? Or is it so ridiculous, it's the most ridiculously perfect idea, that you never thought of."

"No, just the regular kinda ridiculous."

So I tell Caboose, "Well just keep your eye on him. We'll know it's a trick if he tries to get in to our base."

That's when Doc yells out, "Hey guys, euh, do you think I could come and hang out at your base for a while?"

Cue the retard, "I knew it... we're all gonna die... Starting with you!" he says, pointing at Tucker.

"Sorry, but we're kinda busy here. So go away... or something." Wow, Tucker, real original.

"Normally I wouldn't impose, it's just that I don't know the neighborhood too well, and-." God, Doc is just as bad as Caboose.

"Listen Doc, you're not fooling anybody with that innocent victim routine." I scream at him.

"Hey uh I could help! I know more than just medicine! I'm trained in psychology too, maybe I could help you with your problem facing people!"

"Just, get outta here! And tell your buddies the reds, that their little 'plan' failed."

Now we return to our top story…LET'S GET MY FUCKING LEGS WORKING!

R + R or else I've got TWO WORDS FOR YA! (Large crowd yells "SUCK IT!")


	6. Chapter 6

Red vs. Blue: The Church Files  
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360. But other than that…  
Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2005.  
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

ALRIGHT! We are crankin' them out! This is my 3rd chapter in the last 2 weeks. Season 2 is being SMOKED! Soon we hit Season 3 and all hell breaks loose.

Chapter 6:  
The O'Malley Incident – Part 1

Ok, for the last hour now, Tucker has been yanking and reattaching wires all over my lower body…and nothing has worked. "Alright Tucker, what the hell are we gonna do man, I gotta get my legs working here."

"I don't know, but I can't just keep pulling wires down there. I think we should call in a professional. Maybe someone who can fix Sheila, too." Not a bad idea…oh wait. It is, wanna know why.

"Okay great idea, but the only two people who can do that are Señor El Roboto, and Tex."

Caboose decided to jump into the conversation, "Hmm, Tex _can_ be kinda hard to work with."

And then TUCKER had the foot in mouth, "Yeah. Dead people usually are."

"Quite frankly Tucker," I told him bluntly, "I find your attitude offensive."

Then the idiot spoke again, "What about that Lopez person. Is he available?"

"No," dumbass, "I'm in his body. Remember?"

"Well... why don't you just leave his body, and then Tucker and I will make him fix you and my girlfriend!" Girlfriend? Who the fuck is your girlfriend, because Tex is mine…was mine…is…aw, who cares?

"Girlfriend, what?"

"You retard?"

"I mean uh, Tucker and I will make him fix you, and uh the beautiful tank lady means nothing to me. Uh then we can get you back in his body when he is done."

….

…

Caboose had a good idea. Tucker spoke his mind first, "I'm confused, that actually seems like a good idea."

"I know."

"...But Caboose said it."

"I KNOW!"

That's when Tucker whacked me in the forehead. "Ack, what the hell was that for?"

"I don't know, I thought maybe I was dreaming, so I punched you in the face to make sure I wasn't." My God. You are a fucking idiot.

"Tucker, when you think you're dreaming, you don't _punch_ somebody _else_. You get somebody _else_ to **pinch** _you_."

"Dude, it doesn't matter what kinda dream I'm having, I am not going to ask you to pinch me."

Well guess what, "If you dented my forehead, Tucker, I am gonna be _pissed_."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

"Let's try this: I'll jump out of Lopez's body real quick, you two just watch him, make sure he doesn't try anything. Got it?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Okay, Church!" Ok, let's hope they don't mess this up.

"Ughhh, alright. Here goes nothing'. Hegakergerk!" So I jumped out of Lopez, it took me a minute to get resituated and then I reappeared.

"Yeahah, back in the spirit world, alright. Man I forgot how good this feels. Kinda... loosey-goosey." Hold on…Tucker's there, Caboose is there…where's Lopez? "Hey, what'd you guys do with my body?"

Tucker goes to turn around. "Why do you care about your body, you can't even move yer-," and he sees Lopez running back to Red Base, "Oh hey look, your legs work!"

What the hell! Tucker wasted an hour working on shit, I leave the body for two seconds, AND HE'S FRICKING ALREADY HALFWAY ACROSS THE CANYON! So Caboose decided to do the stupidest thing against a robot…He shot at it.

"THIS ONE IS MINE!"

"Hey Caboose, whoa cut it out man! You're gonna damage my body! Tucker, you guys go through the teleporter and cut him off. I'll meet you guys out there."

I faded out and reappeared over at the teleporter's exit, just as Lopez arrived there. "Alright, hold it right there _amigo_," I told him. Just then, something came through and I heard this strange hissing. Lopez said in his Spanish accent, "¿Mira que cosa mas fina?" Then continued running, this time, back to our base.

I yelled after him, "Hey, I said hold it, not run away! You big... robot baby!" That's when I saw this rock at my feet, "What the hell? That rock looks just like a grenade..." I WAS RIGHT! Wait. "Aw crap." Then it exploded in my face.

I stood there in the smoke for a few seconds, coughing, "What the hell? Who tried to blow me up with a grenade? And why'm I coughing? I don't have lungs." At that precise moment, the WartHog drove by, carrying Sarge and Simmons with it. I decided to take the opportunity to make my way over to Sheila. Then I heard another explosion, I looked over my shoulder and saw the Warthog flying through the air…I mean it was a good 100 FEET IN THE AIR! Then it crash landed, upside down at the front of the Red Base.

So Tucker and Caboose eventually brought Lopez over to Sheila and I outlined the details of our little "arrangement."

"Alright, that's the deal mister robot. You fix our tank, we'll let you go free."

SO Caboose whispered to Tucker, "I thought the plan was to trick him in to fixing the tank, and then Church will take over his body again when he is done."

"Yeah. But you don't tell the person you're tricking what's going on, Caboose."

"So if I'm the one being tricked, then you would not tell me what is really going on?"

"Why would we trick _you_?"

"Oh I think you know."

So Lopez then obviously asked me a question, "¿Dónde yo iré? Mis amigos quieren matar me." And of course, I don't understand a WORD of Spanish.

"Okay, I'm gonna take that as a yes, aaand let you get busy with tank fixing."

"No tengo hogar."

So I took a break to watch TV for about an hour and saw Vince McMahon get shit dropped on him and his buddies by DX. When I came back to Sheila, I saw Caboose hopping up and down, "Hurry hurry hurry, fix the tank! So that I can say hello to Sheila… _And start killing everyone_!"

Tucker asked him, "You mean all the reds, right?"

"Of course!... _For starters!"_

So I got back and asked Lopez, "Come on, how much longer Lopez?"

He replied, "Completo." Ok, that obviously means finish, because at that moment, Sheila turned on.

"Thank you for activating the M808Z Main Battle Tank." Caboose was more than happy.

"Sheila! You're fixed! You're fixed."

"Hello Private Caboose. It is good to see you again. Thank you for repairing me."

So Tucker put it bluntly, "He didn't fix you, a robot did it."

"**_Don't cock-block me_**!"

"Dude, come on."

Sheila seemed a little confused, "Robot? I wasn't aware that our squad was _out_fitted with a robot."

Suddenly, Lopez looked up at her, and Sheila looked at him…and it was obvious what was going on…EVEN CABOOSE SAW IT!

"I don't like where this is going," he said.

So they started talking, "Hello there. My name is Sheila. The M808Z Main Battle Tank."

"Y yo soy Lopez, la pesado."

"Lopez. What a nice name, for such a nice soldier. You have such excellent motor skills."

Caboose tried to break up the lovers, "Ummmm yes. Well Lopez has to go now. He was just here to help me fix you, and now he has to go **away!"** hinting for me to take back my body.

Tucker told me to do it more directly, "Dude, this is getting weird. Church, will you take your fucking body back?"

"Roger that."

Lopez was offended by it and I tried to make my move, "NO! Hegakergerk!" Wait…I'm not even there yet. What's going on?

"You okay in there Church? Church. Hey what's going on? Do I need to flip your switch?"

"What the... that wasn't me! What the hell's going on here?"

That's when a familiar feminine voice came from Lopez, "Well. Buenos dias cockbites. Guess who's back." OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

"Get out of my body right now, Tex!"

"_Your_ body? This isn't your body, I stole it!"

"Yeahah, but I stole it first!"

This just completely confused Sheila, "I am confused, I thought your name was Lopez. And I thought you were a man. This is all so strange. I feel like my circuits are crossed... and I _like_ it."

Caboose then directed a comment about Tex, in his "scary voice". "I know how to get her out of there..." Tex turn to face him, and he continued, "…wink."

So I had to stop him, "Caboose, don't. Look, just go explain to Sheila, okay?"

So he went off the explain to Sheila while the adults (me and Tex) and the jackass talked about our problems, "Alright Tex, now what's it gonna take to get you outta there?"

"Well ever since I've been a ghost, I've been watching you guys a lot," she started. Then Tucker interrupted, "Whoa, when you say you've been watching us, does that mean you've watching us _all the time?"_

_Then he looked back towards this rock covered in teal paint, "_Like even when we're alone?"

"Yes Tucker, and you should be _very_ ashamed of yourself."

Tucker hung his head, "It's very lonely out here."

So Tex continued her story, "Anyway, I've noticed a change in one of your guys. Caboose."

You did, what happened to him, cause I haven't been paying attention, "A change? Like what, he's finally learned the whole alphabet?"

"You haven't noticed that he's become increasingly aggressive lately?"

Tucker spoke up. "I have. Started about the same time Sheila got disabled, and you got blown up. I tried to tell Church, but he never listens."

"Tucker, there's a very fine line between not listening, and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life."

AND CUE THE FLASHBACK! Ok, this time, we're flashing to when Tex was fixing the tank for the attack on the reds. "I had just finished repairing the tank, when I overheard Church's plan to warn the reds about me." (Flashback me: I guess I'm gonna do the only thing I _can_ do. I gotta warn the reds.)

"From what I can tell, the A.I. calculated the odds of survival, and didn't like the results. Once Caboose turned on his radio to call Church, it took its chance." (Flashback Caboose: Calling Private Church. Come in Church.)

That's when Tucker made the connection, "And that was when he said his name was O'Malley. So the A.I. that was in you infected Caboose?"

"Right. Everyone's armor has one slot for A.I., and Caboose's would have been vacant." I finished.

"I think there are a few of his _non_-artificial slots that are empty too." I'd have to agree with you there Tucker. Obviously missing a few screws.

Tex finished her story, "And before I could figure out what happened, that _bitch_, hit with a really lucky shot. (Flashback Tex: Aw crap! BOOM!) And the next thing I know, I'm a ghost."

"Alright, I get it. Caboose has your precious little A.I. So let me guess: you're holding my body hostage, until I help you get your A.I. back, right?"

"Wrong." Wrong? Why, whaddya have in mind. "You're gonna help me kill it!" Kill an AI? Is that even possible?

To be continued…

R + R and then Watch DX piss the shit out of Vince McMahon

Shawn Michaels: This public service message was brought to you by your friends at D-Generation X…who would like to remind each and every one of you, that if you're not down with that…WE'VE GOT TWO WORDS FOR YA! (SUCK IT!)


	7. Chapter 7

Red vs. Blue: The Church Files  
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360. But other than that…

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2006.  
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

A/N: 3 months is far too long. So much has happened, like DX beating the shit out of the McMahons. But more importantly, SEASON 5 IS HERE! AND I GOT A 360! Now it's time for out next chapter.

Chapter 7:  
The O'Malley Incident-Part 2

"Well, Tex, that was a great story. I especially liked the part about Church getting panced in high school," Tucker was saying. And I am not going into details on the story.

"I found that part to be ENTIRELY out of context," I said, trying to get back on the main topic about Caboose and O'Malley.

"But I still don't get how we're supposed to stop the A.I." Yeah, how do we do that mistress of secret military program knowledge who I used to date?

"I don't remember much from the implantation process... I _do_ remember that the A.I. can be transmitted from host to host, by way of the helmet radios. Before I learned anything else, the A.I. took over and we escaped. If we can kill the A.I. and not give it a place to jump, we'll beat it."

So we go in Caboose's head, shoot at a computer program, and make sure all the radios in the canyon are turned off. … The laws of physics have clearly been getting lax in the universe. But the most important law is this: Tex gives me my body when we're done. "And then I can have my body back. Deal?"

"Deal." Well, that law seems to still apply. Now for action time. Sucks for you, Tucker. You get the hard part: making sure the reds aren't on their radios.

"Alright. Tex and I will possess Caboose then. Tucker, we need you to work on the reds. Get 'em to turn off their helmet radios, so that O'Malley won't have anywhere to go, once we get him outta there."

Tex had the same idea. "Right."

But Tucker decided to bitch and have us tell him what to do. "What? How the hell am I gonna do that?" Yeah, you're on your own for this.

"I don't know, come up with a plan."

"Come on, you know how I feel about plans." Well suck it up dumbass. Make one up or shoot yourself. Your choice.

"You're not gonna have much time once we get in there, so move fast," Tex added, to make sure he knew exactly what we felt.

Tucker seemed to understand the basic concept, that we had no fucking clue what to do about the radios. "Oh I see. You have no idea what I should do or how I should do it, but whatever I do I should do it fast."

"Yeah that's right."

"Yep."

"Wow, you guys are a _lot_ of help." Hey, we got a megalomaniacal AI on our hands who wants to the destroy the universe. But, here's an idea on getting the Red's to turn of their radios

"Try shifting your paradigm. Think outside the box."

"Hey, the box is there for a reason. I _like_ thinking inside of it. I feel safe in there." No wonder your comebacks suck.

Anyways, time to bag an AI…maybe I won't have to. "Okay Tex, ladies first."

"Yeah right! You think I'm gonna leave you alone out here with your body?" Well that fell apart before it even had a chance.

"Bitch."

"Nice try, _Leonard_." Whatever, at least we get to mess with Caboose.

"Hey Caboose!"

Caboose looked over to us and said, "Huh?"

Here we go! "Heads up!" And I jumped into his body.

Shortly after I got in, Tex arrived and I asked her to make sure, "Where are we?"

"We're in_side_ Caboose's _mind_." Oh right, duh. "Now we just have to find O'Malley and kill him."

"Man this is kinda weird."

"It's hard to get used to, I know."

Actually, looking at it, I thought HOLY SHIT! For the mind of a retard, this place is huge.

"No it's not that; it's just this place is a whole lot bigger than I thought it would be."

Now down to business, "So…where should we start, Tex?" She didn't pay attention to me, looking over the catwalk edge. "HEY!"

"What?"

"I said, where should we start, Tex?"

"Just keep your eyes peeled. I guarantee, O'Malley will come looking for _us_." That's when I saw Tucker come up behind Tex. Wait…TUCKER!

"Hey Tucker, is that you?"

So, looks at me and says, in a manner similar to Caboose, "No, what are you, stupid? Oh wait, yes, I _am_ me. I guess _I'm_ stupid."

I was pissed off. "What're you doing in here? You're supposed to be out there working on your part of the plan!"

So he asked me, "Do you have any food? I love to eat all the food."

"What the hell? What's the matter with you?"

Then I thought, wait. Tucker's not dead, how'd he get here? Tex provided my answer very quickly.

"This isn't really Tucker. We're in Caboose's **head**. This is Caboose's _mental image_ of Tucker."

At this time, 'Tucker' said, "Man I am so unbelievably stupid!"

Just great, that means except for me, Tex, and O'Malley, everyone in here is a total fucking retard. "Well that's great. Everyone we meet in here is bound to be as brain-dead as Caboose then."

Suddenly, 'Caboose' comes up behind me and says, "I would not be so sure of that, Mister Church."

Later…

So we told our story to 'Caboose', and he seemed to understand, oddly, "I see. So you're from the outside. That's where the other is from as well."

Wait, what other? O'Malley? "The other... wait, you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him?"

That's when this guy comes up in light-blue armor, almost…cobalt. So he yells at me, "Of course he's seen him you _idiot_! You think Mister Caboose would miss something like that you skeezy douchebag fuck?"

'Caboose' started to say something, but my attention was focused on the new guy, "Hold on a second. Who the hell are you?"

So he tells me, "My name is Church, buttwiping assmunch." … That's not what I sound like.

I whisper to Tex, "This guy's kind of an asshole."  
So she says, very matter-of-factly, "Yeah, we've met." I still don't fucking curse every fucking word I fucking say…fuck.

Anyways, 'Leonard' as I will call him tells me, "And I'm Caboose's best friend, so don't get any ideas about kissing up you limp licking fuck sock!"

WHOA! TIME OUT! I would never kiss up to Caboose in my live and plus, "Okay. There's a lot of stuff in that sentence that I didn't like."

So Tex just tells me, "Just play along, Church. We're gonna need these guys if we're gonna find O'Malley."

That's when 'Tucker' says, "I'm gonna go look for girls." Then he ran off. Well, good riddance to extremely horrible rubbish.

"Fine. Whatever."

So 'Caboose' gives us a strategic piece of information, "If you want to find O'Malley, I suggest we talk to the reds first. He tried to recruit them against me early on."

Wait, "The reds? The reds are in here?" Oh this should be good.

So we pair off and go over to the 'red base'. I got the unlucky assignment of being with 'Leonard.' "Why the hell did they pair me up with _you_?"

He puts it bluntly, "I want to keep my eye on you! I don't trust gigantic turds to try and steal my best friend you rimjob!"

God help me. Both of me.

"Well... This is going to be a great trip..."

So he runs to the edge of the catwalk and screams down to the hiding 'reds.' "ATTENTION REDS! The great Caboose demands an audience with you! SO LISTEN UP YOU BLOWJOBBING **COCKSUCKERS!**" Wow, Caboose, I don't curse THAT much.

Anyways, the Reds start to appear. Simmons comes out first, nothing seemed out of place with him, "Caboose? Oh, no, he's come to kill us!"

Then the problems start. Grif comes out…but he's wearing yellow, "Will someone please help me, I don't wanna die." So wrong color, big deal.

That's when Donut arrives…and says in a girl's, not girly, GIRL'S, voice, "I love Caboose, and yet I'm still afraid of him."

And when Sarge comes out, he's depicted as a pirate instead of a southerner, "Arrrr... I be havin' a southern accent, yor'll." And that was so contradictory.

'Donut' adds, "He's so scary," referring to 'Caboose'.

So he says, "Fear not reds, I come here not to destroy. But instead to ask for your assistance on this day."

And that's where I decided to rip Caboose's mind to shreds, "Okay whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. I gotta correct a couple things I'm hearin' here." You first, 'Leonard.' "First of all you? You're not Caboose's best friend, okay? You don't _have_ a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! **You're Church!** Knowing other people just waters down the experience. Live the dream buddy!"

"Shove it, dicksniffer."

Yeah blow me, now for you 'Great Caboose'. "And Caboose? Come on dude, seriously? Have you paid attention to our enemies for one second?"

So he seemed annoyed, confused, whatever. "I beg your pardon?"

So I spell it out for him. "First of all, that guy? He's not yellow. He's orange. And since when is there a girl on the red team?"

'Donut' responds by saying, "My favorite thing is pretty dresses." Totally off topic.

'Sarge' continues the nonsense, "Arrr, I got termites in me leg."

"AND THAT IS NOT A SOUTHERN ACCENT!"

"Arrr…" 'Sarge' didn't seem too happy when I told him that.

And then, 'Donut' said, "Do you have any tampons?" Yeah, this place is seriously fucked up.

"Seriously **what is the matter with you people?**" I was freaking out until Tex tried to calm me down.

"CALM DOWN, Church."

"Don't kill us Mr. Sidekick," cried 'Grif,' which pissed off 'Leonard'.

"HEY BUTTBRUNCH! I'M CABOOSE'S SIDEKICK, NOT HIM! SO SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE!" Then just as he finished a sniper shot rang out from somewhere in Caboose's mind and 'Leonard' fell off the ledge.

I ran over and asked, "Leonard, are you ok."

He replies, "Oh, please. That fudgefinger couldn't hit me…No wait, I'm gonna die. Hergh! Blow me." Wow, I just watched my mental image die before my eyes, but before I could even have a notion of 'grieving', Tex spotted O'Malley.

"THERE HE IS!"

O'Malley merely laughed evilly and Tex got geared up. "Let's go get him."

Ok, now it really is action time. Let's collect the idiots, "Alright, come on Caboose, let's go."

"I am sorry, have we met?" WHAT! YOU KNOW ME DUMBASS!

"What? It's me, Church."

"I don't seem to have any memory of you. My name is Michael J. Caboose. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance." OH COME THE FUCK ON! THAT GUY ALSO REPRESENTED HIS MEMORIES OF ME!

"Oh you gotta be freaking kidding me. I just hope Tucker's doing a better job out there gettin' the reds to turn off their radios."

"HURRY UP, CHURCH! HE'S GETTING AWAY!" Ok, Tex has a greater priority than Caboose, so time to chase.

O'Malley yelled at us, "You'll never catch me."

So I caught up to Tex and we kept up our pursuit, "Come on, let's go."

So then we planned to ambush O'Malley. He ran into this field of small pyramids and we stopped off on the far side. When he approached us, we jumped out and cornered him, "Ouh?" was all he could say.

"Alright O'Malley, this is it! From now on, if anybody makes my girlfriend cranky and psychotic, it's gonna be me." That's right. I'm the only one pissing off Tex now.

"Aw, that's sweet."

"Shut up, bitch."

"Asshole." Well, that compliment just got shot to hell.

O'Malley wasn't ready to give up yet, "Nevar! The darkness will swallow you whole!"

Time for awesome one liners, but I didn't hear about Tex's complaints until afterwards, "Forget it O'Malley. You're just one big headache, and I got a whole pistol-full of Aspirin. (What?) I got half a mind to kill you (That's ridiculous), and the other half agrees(Oh Church, that's just stupid). You're about to split (God, Church)…personality (Now you're just embarrassing yourself) . PSYCHE!"

Well, after I finished my one-liners, Tex delivered her own. "Nice knowing you O'Malley, but payback's a bitch, and so am I."

Then I realized. What if Tucker hadn't finished his job? "Wait, Tex, we don't know if Tucker's had enough time."

Her response was simple, "There's only one way to find out." And we opened fire.

O'Malley screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Then O'Malley just disappeared; when the smoke cleared, he was gone.

"Huh. He just disappeared. I expected like, an echoing laugh, er... you know the smell of brimstone, at least. I don't smell any kinda stone. Do you think that's weird Tex? Tex? Tex, where'd you go?" I started to panic, what was I supposed to do, "Tex, where'd you go! How do I get outta here? What happened to O'Malley?"

That's all for now. R + R. AND WATCH EPISODE 79!


	8. Chapter 8

Red vs. Blue: The Church Files  
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360. But other than that…

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2006.  
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

A/N: College sucks. Season 5 rules. Problem with that? TOUGH! It's time for the next segment of The Church Files. Also, thank the Season 2 DVD for the "getting out of Caboose's head" sequence. 5 episodes are covered in this chapter as we finish up Season 2.

Chapter 8:

Mayonnaise Not Required  
Or  
Episodes 34-38  
Or  
The O'Malley Incident - Part 3

Ok, now I need to get out of this damn place and get to the guys, because if I don't get back there, they are going to die a horrible death. So, I decided to talk to the remaining idiots in Caboose's head. As I approached, 'Sarge' said, "Ahoy mateys, it be the landlubber, arrrr."

"Hey, guys. Hate to break this up the brain trust you got going on here, but does anybody have any idea how I can get out of this place?" Now before you say anything, who else do you expect me to ask? Tex is gone, Caboose is out cold, and these retards are the only ones left. So they started whining to me like little babies, because that was about their mentality anyways.

'Simmons' and 'Grif' started the bitch patrol, "Where are you gonna leave to? Where else is there to go?"

"Leaving is scary." Not as scary as listening to you guys whine back and forth. So 'Tucker' tries to be helpful, "I think there's a exit in the back…no wait, that's an entrance. It might actually be a window, I don't know." Oh right, I forgot this is Caboose's mind, NO ONE IS HELPFUL!!!!! 'Grif' continued in his whine, "I hear that if you can drink a gallon of milk in 30 minutes, you can leave."

"I think that if you hold your breath till you fall asleep, you wake up outside," 'Simmons' added.

"I'd try eating my way out, but I'd lose my girlish figure," chimed in 'Donut.' All interesting suggestions…BUT NO WHERE NEAR FUCKING HELPFUL!!!! Caboose, your mind is even MORE fucked up than you are in real life.

"I see, so nobody has any idea whatsoever how to do anything…what an enormous surprise."

Then 'Sarge' gave me the one viable suggestion that I could actually use, "Ahoy, ye scallywag. Thar be a way alright, but ye be having to take that long walk down a short plank…alone."

"Wait, what are you saying, I gotta KILL myself to get outta here?" Worth a shot, I'm already dead anyways.

"All this planning is making me nervous. What if Mr. Caboose finds out? He's gonna be mad." As if him being mad were any worse than me being mad. Oh wait, me being mad would result in me fuck-starting everyone with a 60 round magazine of an assault rifle.

"Let me get this straight, I either commit suicide, or I have to spend the rest of my life in here, with you guys. Tough choice… SEE YA!!!" I jumped off the platform we were standing on, and I woke up outside of base. SUCK THAT BITCHES!!!! Afterwards, the idiot passed out and was in a coma for a few days. So, Tucker got back from the red base, but it took a while. Something looked wrong with Sheila. She did just crash through a jeep and into the red base.

"How's Sheila doing" I asked him

So he decided to try and BS up some dumb reason, "I'm not gonna lie, it's not looking pretty. She may have, twisted her differential, possibly some structural damage, ...could be a disc."

"You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, do you."

"Eieh, no, not a clue." Figures, doesn't know how to work a sniper rifle, doesn't know how to drive a tank, and doesn't know how much I fucking hate him.

Now, if you remember, I lost Tex somewhere in Caboose's mind. Maybe, Tucker had seen her, "What about Tex, any sign of her?"

"No, no Tex. Is it unusual for her to disappear like that?" Yeah, but under the circumstances, I don't think Tex would do what she normally does when she ditches me, "When we were dating, she'd sneak off all the time. But it was usually to sleep with other guys, or to spend money that she'd taking out of my wallet. And since I don't have any money, and... well, no offense to you Tucker, but..."

"You're a dick." Once again, Tucker is the master of comebacks…not.

So that's where we decided to check up on Caboose. He was finally awake and moving about…damn. I was hoping command could send us another rookie. One who wasn't as retarded…or who had less annoying people in his brain. Tucker decided to bring Caboose up to speed, "Man, Caboose you were asleep for a long time." Like I said, Tucker brought him up to speed….by about 1 mile an hour. "What were you dreaming about?"

"Oh, nothing. I do not like to dream. I try not to think while I'm sleeping." Yeah, we noticed.

"That's pretty much how you function when you're awake, too."

"I think consistency is important." Ok, Tucker, you're not getting anywhere, I'm taking over.

"Well you look okay... then again that's... just the armor. How d'you feel?"

"Great!" Well, that's…no, wait…hold on…carry the seven…divided by….yeah, that's good. "Who're you?"

SON OF A BITCH!!! HE STILL DOESN'T REMEMBER?!?!?! "Oh COME ON, not this again! How can you seriously not remember me?"

"Oh of course, I remember you…" Oh, good… "you're Marvin."

MY GOD!!! "I'M CHURCH!!!!!!!"

"I think I would remember a name that ridiculous." MY NAME RIDICULOUS?!?!?! HOLY SHIT!! YOU'RE NAME IS THE REAR OF A FUCKING TRAIN!!!!!!!!! "Nope, you are definitely Phil."

Ok, time to jump start his memory with some of my more painful ones, "You killed me with the tank."

"Dave." No.

"You insulted my girlfriend, you called her a cow?"

"Terence." Not.

"Dude, he called her a slut." NOT HELPING TUCKER!

"Phineous." Not even close.

"Your whole life is based around pleasing me."

"Wally." Stop guessing.

"In fact…"

"Milo?" Don't interrupt ass.

"I think you're kind of obsessed with being my best friend."

So, he turns to Tucker, and whispers, rather loudly, "The new guy is pretty full of himself."

OK, OK, BACK UP!!!! I WAS HERE OVER MONTH BEFORE YOU EVEN KNEW I EXISTED!!!! AND I LIVED THROUGH THE WORST SHIT IN MY LIFE! "New guy, what the- I'm not the new guy, you're the new guy."

Tucker decided to be even LESS of a help, "I don't know, I kinda like it. I could get used to calling you Rookie."

Yeah, get ready for a serious ass-whooping if you follow up with that. "Oh yeah? Could you get used to me beating you to death?"

"What's wrong with the rookie? He seems mad." Fuck this.

"Oh, son of a bitch."

"Susan?" Yeah, definitely, fuck this.

So a couple of hours passed and eventually, his memory restored itself. How, I don't know and I really don't give a shit. But, now, Tucker decides to tell me that we have a more important situation. "Hey Church, we might have a problem."

Great, not again. "Is this a new problem, or did Caboose get his head stuck in the freezer again?" How he managed that, I still will never understand.

"New one." Good. "Sheila and Lopez are now considering leaving to form their own robot army. They said no one would dare oppose them." Bad…VERY EXTREMELY HORRIBLY BAD!

"What? Did you try to talk them out of it?"

"No way, I wouldn't dare oppose them!" Way to help them prove that they're correct Tucker.

"Oh man, well we gotta find a way to separate 'em. Maybe it's time to get rid of Lopez."

"But without Lopez you wouldn't have a body to use. Why don't you just posess him like you normally do?" Yeah, I know I'm sacrificing my body, but better lose that than get…no wait, then I could probably…yeah, it's better than getting everybody else killed…or is it? And about the possessing, I think there might be a problem with that.

"I would, but it's getting harder to do it each time. I think he's learned to fight it somehow."

That's when someone decided to complicate matters even more. And it wasn't Caboose or Tucker…or Tex.

It was Donut. Apparently, he was in the cave, probably trying to sneak around do some recon shit, but Tucker and Caboose, finally doing something smart, captured him. Then, Caboose guarded him in the base as Tucker and I discussed what to do with pinky. "How's it goin', Tucker? We get any useful information outta the prisoner yet?"

"I figured he was here to steal back Lopez, but he won't give us anything... except a list of crock pot recipes. Would that be useful?"

Well, let's consider this, "Do we have a crock-pot?"

"No." Then no, it would not be useful. "Caboose made a trade with that annoying guy from Blue Command. He swapped it for a mystery box."

Ok, this'll be good, "What was in the mystery box?"

"140 jars of mayonnaise."

He traded a crock pot for a massive amount of mayo…He keeps adding more and more idiotic things to his credit. "Well, that's a good trade."

"Yeah it doubles as a great sunscreen."

Sunscreen? You took off your armor? "How did you-" Y'know, not important. "Never mind. Listen, I think I came up with a plan for how we can use Lopez and our new prisoner to get an upper hand on the reds..."

Then Tucker stared at me for like ten seconds, waiting for an obvious joke or plan involving the mayonnaise. So I broke it to him, "The plan does not involved mayonnaise."

"Damnit, I knew there'd be a catch."

Ok, so here's the basic outline: possess Donut, pretend to be captured to do "prisoner exchange," then we go home. Basically we trade Lopez and Donut for two robots. So I rush in as Donut was about to say something, "Ok, our biggest secret is…Hubuchachagagagagagagagaga GA!"

"Caboose it's me Church! I possessed this guy so we can-. That's when I noticed the armor was actually nice. "Whoo! Hey, this pink armor's kind of comfortable. Roomy. What were you guys talking about?"

Caboose looked down dejectedly, "Ooohhhh nothing."

"You wanna braid each other's hair?" Wait, did I just say that?

One hour later…

Ok, time to execute phase 2. Tucker screamed out to the reds, "Hello inferior red squad!"

I started to talk, "We would like to talk to you about-."

"Sneak attack!" DAMNIT CABOOSE!!!!

"Shut up you idiot! We're not here to fight. We're here to negotiate."

"Yay! Sneak negotiation." My God, he is a hopeless cause. I could just shoot him and save myself a lot of trouble.

So Sarge, the real one, sees us, "What the- Donut, what is this?"

Now remember, we didn't know Donut's name so Tucker said, "I think he's talking to you."

Ok, time to make this as convincing as possible, "We, uh I mean they would like to negotiate a surrender to us no to them. Wait! N-n-no that's right to them- to us."

"Oh, smooth, dude." Shut up Tucker, I don't need to hear it right now.

Simmons screamed at us, "You can't surrender blues. We haven't attacked you! Now go home and wait for us to attack, then you can surrender." Yeah, the last time was just a ploy to get you guys to lay off, and strip one of you of your dignity.

Grif and Simmons had a brief conference, which I believe end in Simmons telling Grif, "You're an idiot."

Anyway, back to my completely ad-libbed script which is probably gonna make me look like an idiot. "In exchange for not killing us, they- them- we- they would like to release the robot guy, and me ... The pink guy." Oh, yeah, I'm becoming an idiot.

"Are you becoming retarded?" Not quite the words I was using Tucker, but pretty close.

So they started another conference and I turned towards Tucker. "I don't think they're goin' for it."

BAM! Then Simmons shot Tucker, "OW!! MOTHERFUCKER!!!"

"Okay. now you're under attack. Go ahead and surrender bitch!!" Simmons, thanks for making this a whole hell of a lot easier.

"Alright, they surrender!" I yelled at them.

"Fuck that! I'm pissed! Let's fight!" Don't care, Tucker. It's about time for phase 3.

"Now that you have been thoroughly humiliated by our superior military strategy we demand the return of our robot and our pink private."

"Okay, but there's one catch," I told him. Don't make deals because they might have strings attached.

"What in Shynola?!"

"Sarge, They want you to build two robots for their team. One for each prisoner that they're releasing."

"Hey that wasn't part of the deal!" Yes it was, I just chose not to reveal until now to piss you off.

"Church, why do we need two robots?" Tucker asked me, being as we seemingly only had one ghost. So I told him, "You know, one for me and one for Texmrph..." Yeah, I said Tex.

"Aw man! Don't tell me you're doing this for Tex! You're still in love with her aren't you?" NO SHIT SHERLOCK!! SHE'S MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND DUMBASS!

"Hey get off my back, man! Most dead chicks aren't exactly lining up to haunt this dirt hole." And then there is the other obvious problem. "Besides, if I don't get her a body she's gonna steal mine anyway."

"Nyah, good point!"

"Bitch."

Back to the negotiations, which are going entirely my way. "Alright you blue scum suckers! What robot models did you have in mind?"

So I told him exactly what I wanted, "I guess make them just like Lopez. Except, you know, just the shell no intelligence."

Caboose seemed to like that idea, "These two robots sound much nicer!"

"That's because they sound like you." No intelligence, just an empty shell, perfect fit for Caboose. You're actually right Tucker.

Now to put the final hook, "Oh, and no Spanish, and a bigger switch!"

"Okay, we got a deal." YES!!! I AM A PLAN MASTER!!!! "Meet us in the center of the canyon at 0600 and we'll make the exchange."

"Deal! Okay, I gotta hurry back before Lopez and Sheila suspect anything. Make sure this pink guy doesn't run away when I leave. I mean it! I'll meet you guys back at the base."

So I left Donut, and returned to the base to get Lopez ready. "Alright guys, I. . ." Hey wait, where is Lopez? And where's Sheila? "Sheila? Lopez? What the- why do people keep leaving?"

SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!! THANKS FOR FUCKING UP AN OTHERWISE PERFECT PLAN, YOU TWO!!! I finally had something working and some rogue equipment decides to fuck us over.

About two hours later, Tucker and Caboose came back, Tucker bitching about getting screwed over on the robots because of "optional equipment." But that wasn't important, the reds would deliver, but we were lacking one Lopez.

"So Sheila and Lopez were just gone when you got back here?" Tucker asked me.

"Yep. They even left a note. Says they've gone off to start their own robot army. That's great."

"Didn't they have a non-compete clause?" I'm not sure, lemme go check their nonexistent contracts that are lying in our nonexistent file cabinet.

Hey wait, "Also says they want us to meet them in the middle of the canyon at 0600, to discuss the terms of our defeat, and or surrender... 0600. What does that mean..."

"Isn't that when we're supposed to be surrendering to the reds?" Yeah, but still what is 0600. Wow, I'm in the military and I don't know military time.

"It means six o'clock, right? Si- or does it mean, six hun- o six hundred. Does six hundred mean minutes? Six hundred minutes? Because that'd be... that'd be ten o'clock. Is it six o'clock or is it ten o'clock?"

"Man, we should really get a day planner or something, 'cause this shit's just getting ridiculous."

Alright, the next day, Caboose and Tucker led Donut up to the top of the ridge and everyone was there, all the reds, the two robots, Sheila and Lopez even drove up for the confrontation. So Tucker gets on the radio and calls me…AFTER I'VE TRIED CALLING HIM FOR 10 MINUTES!

"Are you there Church? Church, are you there Church."

"Hey man, I've been trying to get you on the radio for ten minutes. What's goin' on?" Because I have no idea how to reach you when you don't pick up the phone.

"Sorry man, I'm still picking up the reds' transmissions from when we broadcast that Lopez song. There's a lot of chatter." Oh, right. Glad I wasn't there for that.

Maybe he's heard something important, "Well are you at least getting any useful information?"

"Nah it's just the same two guys bickering like an old married couple. I've only been listening for like five minutes and I can already tell they're really in love. Why can't they see it?" Must be Grif and Simmons bitching about the same damn thing over and over again. Whatever, time for phase 1 of the revised plan.

"Alright. Get ready to launch Operation Circle of Confusion."

"Uh Church, it kinda looks more like a triangle from down here." Wait, what do you mean triangle?

"What?"

"I'm just saying it doesn't look much like a circle, it looks more like we're forming a triangle. It's just a side-note." WHATEVER, I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED JUST DO IT!!!

"Okay fine, triangle of confusion. Rhombus of terror, parabola of mystery, WHO CARES!? GET THE GODDAMN SHOW ON THE ROAD!"

"Alright alright, sorry. Initiating primary commencement phase."

So that's when Tucker made his pitch for the trade asking for one member of each team to switch sides. The reds were sending the black robot, and we were sending Donut back. Lopez didn't seem too happy about seeing another robot and Tucker took note of it.

"Um, Church? Do you think maybe in hindsight it was a bad idea for us to put Lopez around a bunch of robots?"

"Just stick to the plan, Tucker. Get the first robot over there, I'll draw Lopez's fire, come on!" So, I tried to get closer, but then Lopez seemed to attack, and there was just a whole cluster fuck going on without any shooting whatsoever. Then Sarge tried to call in an airstrike of some form, but it got kicked back, and Tucker thinks he overheard some crazy conspiracy, I don't know. Then Sarge acted like he was attacking by himself, and when he started screaming, Tucker's radio levels went off the scale…leading to that annoying feedback squeal. "Tucker, you radio's giving too much feedback, shut it off!" I yelled.

Well people started yelling random crap, as I snuck over to the conveniently painted cobalt robot while Simmons tried to calm down Sarge and hear what Tucker was saying, "WHAT DID YOU SAY BLUE!"

That was the point that I possessed the robot, "Hegakergerk, wheh!"

Tucker was busy screaming, " I SAID THERE'S NO RED VS. BLUE! IT'S ALL A-!" BOOM!!! A rocket exploded under Tucker as this weird purple thing drove right past. "WAAAAAAA SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!" Tucker screamed as he was flung into the air.

Sarge watched it go by and asked, "What the hell is that?"

As did I, "WHAT THAT HELL IS THAT?!"

And Lopez, "¿MIRA QUE COSA?"

So Donut, seemingly recognizing the guy said, "Oh my God. It's the Cave Devil. Run for your lives!"

Another rocket came flying our way shortly thereafter. Suddenly the guy on the vehicle said, "OOPS! Sorry about the big explosion!" Wait…DOC?!?!

Then he said, "SORRY IT WASN'T BIGGER!!!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" but the voice was a lot more British sounding….and evil…sound…OH FUCK NO!!! FUCK NO!!!!!!!

"Wait a second, I'd know that laugh anywhere. THAT'S O'MALLEY!!!" I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT DOC!!! AND TEX DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT HIM!!!! He must've used his radio right as we forced O'Malley out of Caboose. AND HE'S GOT A FLYING ROCKET LAUNCHER!!!! Which he shot again, "My bad."

Ok, time to check on Tucker. I grabbed the other robot and ran up to the ridge, "Come on robot, you're with me."

Then Sheila fired off a round at us, but was well off. "TUCKER! TUCKER!!!!"

We arrived at Tucker as he was still lying motionless on the ground. "Are you okay?"

Tucker replied weakly, "Church…the purple guy…he's-."

"Yeah, I know, it's O'Malley. He must have got in the medic somehow."

"NO! He's an asshole." Ok, that was important to the discussion how?

"Church, how come Tucker gets to nap during battle and not me?" NOT…NOW…CABOOSE!!!!!!!

That's when Sheila drove up, saying, "Help! He took Lopez!" WHAT?!

"What? Where'd he go?"

That's when we heard the evil laugh coming from the top of the Red base. "Here I am, you fool!"

WHAT THE FUCK?!?! HE'S ALREADY UP THERE?!?! "How'd he get up there so quick?"

Donut made a comment, "That guy's wicked fast!"

Doc responded to him, "Thanks, I lettered in track in high school! It was the least directly competitive sport I could find!"

Grif quickly shouted, "TRACK SUCKS!"

To which O'Malley retorted, "YOU SUCK! And now I make my escape with my metallic hostage, never to be seen again! Unless I want to be seen, in which case, if I see you before you see me... look out!"

Grif and Simmons looked at each other, basically saying 'Um, ok, what the fuck does that mean?'

Then O'Malley shouted, "The Universe will be mine! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Sheila cried in distress as he took Lopez, "LOPEZ! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

"Move it, brown bot. INTO THE ABYSS!" He shouted as he ran into the teleporter.

OK, things just went from incredibly horrible to WHY THE FUCK DOES GOD HATE ME SO MUCH?!?!?!?!?! Time to salvage what's left of this problem, "Everyone hold your fire! We're comin' out."

Simmons yelled, "Truce!"

Then Grif said, "Time out." Then he asked, "Would someone explain what just happened here?"

Ok, I'll be glad to, "That evil guy in the scooter shot one of our guys and ran off with Lopez."

Sarge quickly said, "But we need Lopez for very specific reasons that we don't have to explain to you. We have to get him back." Yeah, we really don't care about any stupid plans that you stored in the robot. I just want to kill O'Malley.

"Yeah and we have to get the evil guy back. He's the only one around here that can heal Tucker."

And that's when we got into a completely pointless debate…on what it means to be ironic. Grif posted the topic, "So now we're forced to work together. How ironic."

And the argument began, Simmons said, "No, that's not ironic. Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other."

Followed by Donut saying, "No, ironic would be instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnapped him."

Sarge added to the debate by saying, "I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds." Well, that's about the only thing ironic that was said.

"I think it would be ironic if everyone was made of iron." You got three guess to figure out who said that, and the first two don't count. Then you get to beat him like I wish I could do right now.

Two hours later…

Ok, time to end this retarded debate. "Okay. We all agree, that while the current situation, is not totally ironic, the fact that we now have to work together, is odd in an unexpected way, that defies our normal circumstances. Is everybody happy with that?"

"Yes." Sarge made it clear that the reds were satisfied, even if Grif wasn't.

Simmons ran up giving us the good news, "And, I just finished reprogramming our teleporter, to take us directly to Lopez and O'Malley's coordinates." Alright, time to go bust some heads.

Sarge laid down the rest of the law, "We'll leave one member of each team so that no one can trick anyone and take over the canyon." Yeah, why are we fighting for this piece of shit rock anyways? "Our man will be Donut."

Caboose said, "We will leave Corporal Crossain'wich."

"Caboose…"

"We will leave Sheila." She can't fit through the teleporter anyways, so it might as well be her. Donut wasn't too pleased with our decision, "Yeah, thanks guys. Because, you know if this is a trick, I'm sure I can hold her off on my own."

Plan time. "Alright, we're gonna do this one at a time then. You first Sarge."

"Today seems like a good day to teleport. GERONIMO!" He ran into the teleporter.

Caboose followed him, screaming, "PISCATAWAY!" WHAT THE FUCK DOES A TOWN IN NEW JERSEY THAT IS THE HOME OF RUTGERS UNIVERSITY WHO KICKED LOUISVILLE'S ASS 28-25, RUINING THEIR HOPES OF A BCS NATIONAL TITLE, AND TAKING SOLE POSSESSION OF THE LEAD IN THE BIG EAST HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!?!?! (A/N: Yes, I'm from New Jersey and I root for Rutgers, and Sorry to anyone from Louisville.)

Simmons walked right up to the teleporter, then stopped. "Hmmm..."

Grif asked what was wrong. "I just had a really weird feeling that I'm never gonna see this place again." Ok, why are you worried about never seeing this dirthole again.

Grif shared my sentiments exactly. "And that's a bad thing?"

And apparently so did Simmons, "Oh I didn't say weird bad, I just said weird." Then, he ran inside by himself.

So, now it was time for me and Grif to head through to wherever. Look at this, the two most sane guys in the ENTIRE canyon are being paired together. Maybe I'll actually be able to have an insightful conversation with another sane person for once. "Alright. It's Grif, right? You 'n' me will go through together, ready?"

He motioned first, "After you."

So we jumped through and we came out on an ice-covered plain. This place looks very famili…where the hell is Sarge? Simmons? Caboose? "Alright, now let's just find- where is everybody?"

Grif was completely confused. "Whoa. Where are we? What is this place?"

That's when I realized. "FREEZE!!! DROP YOUR WEAPON!!!" We were on Sidewinder…in front of the red base…and the reds were still there.

"Uh-oh." We are in so much trouble.

"I SAID FREEZE, DIRTBAG!" That's when my body beeped, then ran over to Grif and punched him for no reason.

"Ow! Aw come on!"

A/N: SEASON 2 IS DONE!!!!!!!! GET READY FOR SEASON 3 AND ENJOY SEASON 5 ON RVB. GO SCARLET KNIGHTS!!!

R + R!!!


	9. Chapter 9

Red vs. Blue: The Church Files  
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360. But other than that…

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2006.  
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

A/N: TWO CHAPTERS IN TWO DAYS!!! It's time for the most fun set of chapters in the entire book. It's the first 10 EPISODES OF SEASON 3 BITCHES!!!! And as Church…let's just say, that you are going to bust your gut about 100 times over by the time we reach Season 4.

Chapter 9:  
Church: 5, Laws of Physics: 0

"Hey asshole, for the last time, LET ME OUT OF THIS GODDAMN JAIL CELL!!!!!!!!"

"Yeah, let him out, he's driving me nuts!"

"Oh shut up, red. Nobody asked you."

"I should've never listened to Donut's stupid fucking plan."

So much for that insightful conversation. Turns out when two sane guys, e.g. myself and Grif are thrown into a jail cell, they turn completely anti-social, which is basically the perfect representation of the above conversation. So the guy that threw us in here, Lt. Max Gain comes in and we ask him to let us out…actually, more like demand it.

"Alright listen man. If you know what's good for you, you're gonna let us go…right now."

"Yeah, or just let ME go," Grif told them, trying to get on their good side. "You can sacrifice him to your pagan gods, y'know if that's what you people do." Grif that's not helping.

"KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR ME?!?!" He basically screamed at us. "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S GOOD FOR ME! A WELL BALANCED MEAL WITH PLENTY OF VITAMIN D AND OTHER ESSENTIAL NUTRIENTS! ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MAN?"

The guard that was with him didn't seem too thrilled as this guy was. "Eh, yeah, you bet, sir." I think he was thinking more along the lines of, "What the hell's got into the boss today? Must be on his third pill by now."

"What is wrong with these guys?" I turned to Grif and asked him because, he was a red. I figure he'd know. But he didn't, he just had another brainless idea.

"They're obviously part of some crazy religious cult. I'll sign up with them and you play the part of the rebel outsider they crucify during my initiation."

Gain continued to scream, "GUESS WHAT ELSE TOPS THE LIST? PLENTY OF REST AND EXERCISE! GET YOUR Z's!!!!"

Ok, shut up for a second, I need to tell you something. "Hey, hey screamy guy screamy guy, listen. There is a madman on the loose that wants to destroy the universe. And WE have to stop him. I'm serious."

Did he stop? NO! He just kept on rambling for no damn reason. "I'M SERIOUS TOO! ABOUT THE SEVEN KEYS TO WEALTH AND PROSPERITY! RETIREMENT PLANNING NEEDS TO BE A CRUCIAL PART IN ANY INVESTMENT PORTFOLIO!!!" And he kept going on like that as I looked to Grif. "You think he'd even notice if we slipped away?" I asked being as he kept going on and on about how to be successful in life, as if he was Tony Little.

"Shhh, I want to hear how to tax deduct my religious contribution."

"-DIVIDED EQUALLY AMONG STOCKS, BONDS, AND TREASURY NOTES!!!!!"

After a while, he ran off, mumbling something about reorganizing his portfolio, leaving his buddy to watch us. That's when I had this HUGE amount of gas, and I let it out. "BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRPPPPP!"

Grif was impressed, "Nice. I bet I can beat it."

That's when we started hearing this ticking sound.

"Uhgow, I wonder what caused _that_."

"Hey Church, do you know your stomach is ticking?"

"Whoa, hey, it sounds like I swallowed an alarm clock."

Grif was quick to point out how nasty that sounded. "Gross." Then he saw the guy, "Hey, it's one of the guards, pretend like you don't know." Ok, that's not too hard, I only KNOW your name…and that you are a lazy fatass.

"Guys I'm a red too, I'm a red! I don't even know this guy! Come on, let me out." Well, that was unexpected; trying to pawn me off as some stranger he just happened to be caught with. Guilt by association is gay, but apparently still valid in this century.

"Thanks for the support, Grif. Way to be a team player."

"Hey, I gotta think about myself here."

I told him flatly. "There's no "I" in team, Grif."

"Yeah, there's no "U" either." Good point. "So I guess if I'm not on the team, and you're not on the team, _nobody's on the God damn team. The team sucks!"_

_But why are the reds still here. I was there when Tex killed all the members of my team, except for me of course. "_What I can't figure out is why the reds are still here. Tex already wiped out all the blues. Why wouldn't they just pull out?"

"As someone who's taken orders from Red Command for the last three years, _trust me_, it's not that surprising." You're command must be a bunch of goddamned idiots then if they don't even give you orders to pull out if you've won the battle already.

Well, Grif decided to quickly get bored, and the only other sane person I knew…started to become an idiot. "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen. Nobody knows but Jesus," he sang, COMPLETELY off key. I swear when I'm around people, they start to turn into complete idiots.

"Will you shut up?"

"You just can't face the fact that I've adjusted to life on the inside! I'm _hard_ now!"  
Hard? We've only been hear for a few hours and you think that you're hard? Wow, I guess I am the only sane person in this whole fucking war.

"Please, give me a break."

"As the prison bitch, I would _not_ expect you to understand." Whatever, you idiot. That's when the shooting started. It sounded like an entire squad had just popped in out of nowhere and started tearing the shit out of the reds.

"What's going on out there?"

"Oh man, maybe our crew's come to bust us out of the joint. I don't know if I can live on the outside though any more Church. I'm all insti_tu_tionalized and shit."

Ok, I would find that HIGHLY unlikely being as our guys are nowhere near skilled enough to pull off ANY kind of offensive, especially my team. "I don't know. Sounds like whoever's fighting them is winning. That can't possibly be our guys."

So, Grif yelled at the guard, "Hey screw, aren't you gonna go help your buddies? Oink oink?"So he ran off, and tried to run around the corner when we quickly heard the sound of a gun being smashed into his face. Then, we heard these footsteps coming progressively closer and closer, stopping right in front of our cell.

Suddenly, as if out of thin air, this guy in white armor decloaks and says, "Hello, Church." WHAT THE FUCK?! WYOMING'S HERE?! Ok, now I know some serious crap is going on. "Wyoming?! What are you doing here?"

"Been hired to do a job with your little friend Tucker. Seems he's discovered some information that someone else isn't happy about."

Grif was confused, "Who's this cracker?" Ok, long story: Wyoming was one of Tex's squad mates in this experimental program that created O'Malley. Everyone got paired with an AI, and became complete super soldiers, but the experiment backfired, and O'Malley took control of her and ran away. Wyoming's AI was forcibly removed from his armor and he went crazy, becoming a freelancer and working for ANY sum of money he could get in his pockets. Short version, "Naw, he's just some scumbag _bounty_ hunter that was in the same division as Tex."

"Ah yes, dear Tex. After I take care of your little friend Tucker, I'll be taking care of her as well."

Oh hell no you won't jackass. "When I get outta here-."

He quickly interrupted me, "But you won't. Everyone here is dead now. No one even knows where you are. So I suppose now you'll just have to starve to death. Hu-huh. Cheerio." Great, now my only chance of getting out of here is to work together with Grif because no one's just gonna come up and hit the button to open the doors. "We gotta find a way to escape, Grif."

"If only we had bed sheets." Bed sheets? How are they gonna help us if the only way out of the room is through these huge ass bars. "There's no window. What good is tying together bed sheets gonna do us?"  
"Who said anything about tying them together? I wanna take a nap. If I have to die of hunger, I wanna do it in my sleep." Wow, you are the laziest person I have ever met, you fat slob.

Ok let's see…Wyoming killed everyone…Grif's fat, lazy, and trying to fall asleep…I'm a ghost inside of a robot and I…that's it.

"Okay Grif, I've been putting something off that I can do to help us escape, but, I gotta warn you, it might scare you a little bit."

"You want scary, you should try showering in cell block C. Those guys are animals." There is no cell block C for one, and if that's the way you feel…"Alright, here goes…" then the doors just magically opened.  
"You opened the doors? That wasn't scary at all."

What the fuck, I didn't even do anything. "What? I didn't do that. Somebody on the outside must have done it." Well, whatever happened, I don't fucking care, let's just bail. "Alright, let's go."

"FREEDOM! It smells so sweet! Let's go rob a liquor store on the way home." Ok, that would land us in a REAL jail and besides where is there a liquor store in the immediate vicinity.

Well, we eventually got outside and ran up to the others who were in a standoff with O'Malley. Now remember, there is this ticking going on, "What's going on?"

Sarge filled us in really quick. "You want the long version or the short? Basically you've got a fifty megaton bomb in your gut-."

"Ten, sir." Simmons quickly corrected him.

"And Lopez is about to kill us all." Whoa whoa whoa, back up. I heard bomb and kill us all.

"That didn't make any sense, what's the long version?"

Tucker ran up and told me, "That _was_ the long version. The short version is: "_We're _**_boned_**.""

Well, that's great to hear. I've got a freaking nuclear bomb in my stomach, and we're all about to die a horrible death. This is just great.

So Simmons took the time to check on Grif, who claimed we did heard time, when it was really about 6 hours. O'Malley decided to interrupt us with a shot from his rocket launcher.

"You foolish fools will _never_ defeat me! You're far too busy being foolish! Ha! Ob_liv_ion is at hand!"

So we all went and took cover. Simmons had some kind of plan and told Sarge to distract O'Malley. So he devised a plan that involved Grif running straight at O'Malley and getting blown up…wow he must really hate him to think up that as a distraction. It didn't really matter as O'Malley snuck up on the two anyway and aimed his rocket launcher when suddenly Simmons yelled, "NOT SO FAST, O'MALLEY!"

And then, EVERYBODY looked in his direction. "Maybe we can't stop you, but I know who can!" Then this green teleporter vortex opened up right in the middle of the battle field and I heard a voice scream, "ALL RIGHT NEW LEVEL YEAH!" Then about 2 squads worth of red and blue guys just randomly ran through and started chattering.

"HEY GUYS, YOU WANT YOUR FLAG?" All the grunts looked at Simmons, who then directed their attention at O'Malley, "HE'S THE ONE WHO HAS IT!"

O'Malley looked a little concerned as one guy suddenly spoke, in a very high pitched voice, "The crusade has begun! Our hour of glory is now at hand! Let all who would stand against us be washed in our divine light!" Um...ok, those guys are definitely a religious cult who worship some kind of pagan gods. Looks like Grif would've been right had we gotten stuck with them.

Then they all swarmed him, shooting at him with everything they had in their arsenal. And in my experience, 12 guys with assault rifles constantly blaring defeats a single guy with a rocket launcher if it's empty.

Now I was hiding behind a rock as the reds decided to come over and defuse the bomb in my stomach. Then a lightning bolt shot me from behind, "Yow, whoohoohoo!" Now being as I was in a robot, it only tickled a little bit.

Sarge ran up, crouched down, and started playing in the area of my crotch. "Hold still, son, this'll just take a second." CAN HE NOT PUT SOMETHING THIS IMPORTANT IN MY BACK, OR SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN BELOW THE WAISTLINE?!?!

"Don't you ever install anything a_bove_ the waist?"

That's when he stood up in a panic, "Oh no! That _last_ lightning bolt fused the detonator! There's no way to turn this thing off."

You have got to be kidding me, just do it manually…you know, cut the red wire…or was it the blue one.

"Can you do it manually?" asked Simmons who obviously has some sort psychic connection with me as he always seems to think the same thing I do.

"Impossible. I specifically designed it so that _I_ wouldn't be able to defuse it." Ok, you built and installed a bomb that you DESIGNED to be unable to turn off should something stupid happen?

Grif asked him, as I was about to, "Why?"

"In case I fell in to the wrong hands, and was _brainwashed_ to help the blues." Yeah, we'd probably just kill you anyway because you obviously have no real tactical sense whatsoever.

"Nice thinking, sir." WOW! That is no way a good idea in any sense of planning, how have you guys survived this long fighting us?

Grif told him bluntly, "You had to get just _one last asskiss_ in before we die, didn't you?" Oh that's why.

So Tucker had this brilliant idea, "Church, there's only one thing I can do." So he pulled out a rocket launcher…and pointed it right at my face.

"Hehey, what the hell?"

"There's only twenty seconds left!" Simmons informed us. Whatever it is, make it quick Tucker.

"If I blow you up _before_ the bomb goes off, there's at least a small chance the _rest_ of us will live." Great strategy.

"But the rocket'll kill me."

"Ten seconds," added Simmons.

"You're gonna die _anyway_ when the bomb goes off!" Grif screamed.

Hey, if I die, I don't want to be alone. "What can I tell ya pal? Misery loves company."

"Five seconds."

"Sorry, Church." Tucker told me as the put his finger on the trigger. I really fucking hate you…all of you.

"Man, this blows. You guys suck."

Then a sniper shot rang out and blasted the launcher right out of Tucker's hands. "WHAT THE HELL?"

We all turned, and there, standing on the cliff was Wyoming, holding a smoking sniper rifle. "Sorry Private Tucker, but I _al_ways get my man. Say good bye mate."

The ticking was now accompanied by a loud beeping that was getting progressively faster and faster as Simmons said, "Uh guys, I hate to interrupt, but... zero seconds."

"Uh-oh," Tucker said as everyone looked at me.

"What?" Then I realized, 'Oh great, here it comes.' "Oh, son of a-."

(A/N: Insert the huge explosion here)

I woke up holding my head, thinking, 'My God, what happened…hey wait…I'm alive…YES!!! EAT THAT LAWS OF PHYSICS!!! I…hey wait…this doesn't look like Sidewinder…and where the hell is everybody. "What…the…hell? Where the hell am I?" There were lava pits, old run down walls…what the hell is this place? I tried to gather my thoughts as I explored the complex, "Okay, think Church. The bomb went off, you got knocked out, you woke up, and you were here. Question is, where is here?"

I walked through this door and came face to face with a computer that started talking to me. "HELLO." It said, and displayed on its screen. "YOU ARE EARLY."

I was still so fucking confused, but now this thing is expecting me? "Me?"

"YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE FOR ANOTHER 1,856 YEARS."

Ok, ok, I'm supposed to come to this place…but now for another 2000 years. Ok, where the hell am I? "What is this place?"

"THIS IS THE HOUSING FACILITY OF THE GREAT WEAPON." Great…another society with a weapon of incredibly mass destruction, "I AM THE KEEPER OF THE GREAT WEAPON," with a computer as its guardian. "YOU ARE THE GREAT DESTROYER. YOU WILL DEMOLISH THIS FACILITY, KILL ME, STEAL THE GREAT WEAPON, AND BRING ABOUT THE GREAT DOOM FOR BILLIONS OF PEOPLE." …Ok, so I'm supposed to bring about an apocalypse for someone…just my luck. "WELCOME, HOW MAY I BE OF ASSISTANCE?" Alright, first start off by backing up and telling me, "What are you talking about?"

"YOUR COMING HAS BEEN FORETOLD BY THE GREAT PROPHECY." Alright I'm starting to get tired of hearing the word great every three seconds. "Does your society have any other adjectives besides 'great'?"

"THE GREAT PROPHECY WARNS THE GREAT DESTROYER WILL BE A BLUE BEING."

"And you think that's me?" Wow, apparently to be considered a 'blue being' all you need is to wear blue armor.

"THE BLUE BEING WILL BE KNOWN AS THE STUPIDEST LIFEFORM IN THE UNIVERSE."

Wait, wait, wait, hold on a second…the stupidest life form in the universe…please don't mean… "Wait a second, this destroyer guy. He dresses like me, but he's dumber than anyone else in existence."

"CORRECT."

"…Oh crap…" I knew Caboose was known to fuck things up in the past…but to destroy an entire civilization?!?! That means that he is ungodly stupid.

Well, I know he's eventually gonna be here so I recorded a message for him. I got all the details about this "great weapon" and the building.

"Caboose, is that you? Can you hear me? Caboose, I know you're there. I am leaving this message from 2000 years in the past. Whatever you do…DON'T…TOUCH…ANYTHING!!!!! Apparently you're this culture's version of the apocalypse. You're going to destroy this building, and somehow bring about doom for their entire race. Whatever you do, don't touch the glowing weapon thing they have stored there. And if you do, definitely don't bring it in to the main building. Otherwise the whole place is gonna lock down, and you're gonna be trapped. Just don't _touch_ anything, don't _look_ at anything, don't _breathe_ on anything."

"MESSAGE RECORDED," the computer told me. Well, at least I know he'll get it. "DO YOU THINK IT WILL WORK?"

Lemme think about that…ok, I thought about it, "No. Like you said man, that guy's as dumb as a rock. But at least he has some slightly _less_ stupid people around him that can kind of help him from time to time." Then I thought about that for a second…Tucker…Grif…Simmons…Sarge…Donut…fuck it, he needs my help. "Yeah, on second thought I'd better get back there and handle this personally. Y'know if I could only get back to our old bases, maybe I can change some key events and keep them from getting there. Hey, do you have any way to teleport me to Blood Gulch?"

"NO. BUT WORKING AT FULL CAPACITY, I COULD CREATE A TELEPORTER IN APPROXIMATELY 1,000 YEARS." Well, I'm a ghost in robot…I'm not going anywhere.

"A thousand years, huh? Kind of a long wait. You know any jokes?"

"DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE POSITRONIC BRAIN?"

"Oh yeah, that's the one with the, active matrix and the..."

"YES. THAT'S IT. I JUST LOVE THAT ONE. HA HA HA."

"Yeah it's funny. It's old, but, yeah it's funny."

"HOW ABOUT THE ONE WITH THE JEWISH SIM CHIP AND THE IRISH EXPANSION SLOT."

"Hey come on dude, let's, try to keep it clean."

"HEY. PULL MY DONGLE."

"Yeah, that's not gonna happen."

"COME ON YOU BIG BABY. JUST ONE PULL. IT WON'T KILL YOU."

God, 1000 years of horrible jokes. My life just keeps getting worse and worse doesn't it?

A/N: CAN YOU BELIEVE I'VE ALREADY SPANNED HALF OF SEASON 3 WITH ONE CHAPTER?!?!?!?! Mostly because Church doesn't appear between Episodes 43 and 49, but still I'm gonna keep you from seeing the Episode 50 stuff for a bit because it's too funny to put in this chapter. Next chapter: Episode 50: Silver Linings


	10. Chapter 10

Red vs. Blue: The Church Files  
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360. But other than that…

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2006.  
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

A/N: Ok…this is it…the single most hilarious set of episodes you could write as Church, the "flashback saga" as I call it. Or, as I also call it, "Church Fucks Himself Over." But, as it's really called:

Chapter 10:  
Episode 50: Silver Linings

1000 years later…

"TELEPORTER COMPLETE. SLIGHTLY BEHING SCHEDULE."

It was about fucking time. Do you know how long 1,000 years feels to a ghost…a fucking ETERNITY!!! I was in that hallway with the computer so long, that I thought I would die about 15 times over, given the average lifespan of a person. But what made it worse was that the computer had the worst sense of humor I've ever seen. Not that all the jokes were bad…it was just that he didn't know WHEN TO STOP! "You know, it might have gone a bit faster if you hadn't spent so much processor time telling knock-knock jokes."

"KNOCK KNOCK." You see?

"Enough. Do you have the coordinates to send me to Blood Gulch or not?" I figure, where else is there to go?

"YES. DO YOU HAVE A PLAN YET?"

You've been staring at me for a FUCKING MILLENIUM!!!!!!! I THINK I COULD COME UP WITH SOMETHING IN THE FIRST 100 YEARS!! …well maybe 200…actually…it was more like…900…and 50… "I've been standing in this hallway thinking for a thousand years. I've had time."

"AND?"

Ok? Long version, make sure Sheila's Friendly Fire option is off so that she can't kill me, so Caboose DOESN'T KILL me, kill Donut so he can't throw the grenade and kill Tex, and destroy O'Malley once and for all. Short version, stop Caboose from blowing me up, and stop Donut from killing Tex.

"Well, the main thing I need to do is keep myself from dying."

"THAT'S A GIVEN." Not me, the past me, the one who is going to get blown up by Caboose when I get there.

"And since all our problems stem from O'Malley jumpin' from Tex to Caboose, all I need to do is prevent _her_ from dying too."

"BECAUSE YOU SECRETLY LOVE HER."

"_Oh don't start that again._ All I need to do is kill that pink guy that sticks the grenade on her."

"SOUNDS EASY."

"Well, I have knowledge of everything that takes place beforehand, so, as long as I don't interfere too much, or get spotted, should be a frigging breeze." I mean, I know what is going to happen, when it is going to happen and how it is going to happen…because I lived through it and saw EVERYTHING that happened each time something got fucked up.

"READY TO TRANSPORT." Alright, it's showtime, time to make sure I don't die.

"Okay, let's do it. Goodbye... computer." Wow, you know for being there 1000 years, I never gave the computer a name. "Compu- you know what, you'd think I would have come up with a name for you in these thousand years."

"IT'S GARY. BUT THANKS FOR ASKING." Oh, he's already got a name. Well, now I feel even worse not LEARNING his name sooner. "SEE YOU IN A FEW HUNDRED YEARS."

So I teleported to Blood Gulch…in the past…before I had died. Ahhh, it's good to be back here. It's been a long t-." Wait, why am I getting mushy about this shit hole. "Ah who am I kidding, even a thousand years doesn't make this dirt hole any more appealing." That's when I turned around and saw the red's base, and a half-finished Lopez. "Oh what the hell, wh, he stuck me at Red Base. It must be _way_ before Tex shows up, the robot isn't even done yet. Hurry up and get finished buddy, I'm gonna need that body pretty soon." That's when I noticed something on the ground. "What's that..." and I saw two switches, one SIGNIFICANTLY larger than the other one. Oh yeah, bigger switch. So I kicked dirt on the smaller one and told the incomplete robot, "You just got an upgrade pal."

That's when I ran back towards our base. "I wonder just how early I am." And I quickly took shelter behind a rock face. Remember that flashback from early on in the story, the one with the teleporter and the rocks…well, let's just say that you'd be seeing it again…live. That's when I see a guy in teal armor come out of the base. And Tucker was still in regulation blue at the time…HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!! CAPTAIN FLOWERS?!?!?! I can stop the entire shit hole from breaking down right here and now. "Holy crap, Captain Flowers is still alive. Oh man, I might be able to fix everything at once."

Now, he was known to be able to sleep standing up…and with his eyes open…for an officer, he was very, VERY talented…and very concerned with our well being. He even ordered the entire squad sniper rifles. Well, at least he was going to, until he had a massive heart attack in his sleep. Tucker immediately jumped at the chance to get out of the blue armor, so he wasn't really fazed by it. Well, now I can save Captain Flowers, get Tucker a sniper rifle, and beat all the reds. This is gonna be fucking awesome.

"CAPTAIN FLOWERS!" I screamed as I ran into the base.

He woke with a start, "God, don't sneak up on me like that, can't you see I'm sleeping?"

Ok, now remember, I haven't seen him for over 1000 years, so I forgot that he was just talking with the past me about 5 minutes ago, "Sorry Sir, look, I know you probably don't remember me that well."

"Course I remember you Church, I just saw you two minutes ago." Ok, fine I was off, who cares? This is very, VERY important and crucial to the survival of the universe so TIME IS NOT A FACTOR.

"Oh right. Yeah, it's uh, it's been longer for me. Anyway, there's no nice way to put this, but you're gonna die of a massive heart attack tonight."

"That doesn't sound like me. I'm a team player." Yeah, the captain was really buddy-buddy with us, didn't care about ranks and shit like that. He even wanted us to call him "Cappy." Captain is one thing but…that just sounds wrong. Anyway, onto how I'm gonna save his life.

"And I can't tell you how I know this, but I need you to take this injection, so that you can live, and together we can beat the Reds. That way a lot of really weird and totally inexplicable stuff won't happen." Yeah, it would take a couple of days just to get through the part about being in Caboose's head.

"I don't understand anything you just said, and I've only known you for a short time. But go ahead and inject me, Private Church." YES!! I ran up with the…medical…thing…I don't remember what it was called, and injected it into the Captain. So, I thought I had saved everything…but then he started to have trouble breathing. "Thank you son. Feeling much bett-...better. ...Agh."

"What. What's the matter?" I was concerned, here I thought I was saving him, but now he's doubling over in pain…what the hell is going on?

"That medication, it didn't have... ungh... Aspirin in it, did it? I'm allergic to... Aspirin."

……………You have got to be FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!! WHY DOESN'T SOMEBODY TELL ME THESE THINGS TEN SECONDS BEFORE I DO SOMETHING?!?!??!?!?!?!?! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!  
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…"

"Can't feel haunches... Spleen failing... Glutes, glutenizing..." He fell over and suddenly I felt like shit. "Church…Before I die, I have to tell you something incredibly important. It may hold the key to our victory here."

WHAT?! OUR VICTORY?!?!?! HURRY! WHAT IS THE KEY TO OUR VICTORY?! "What? What is it?!?!"

"Hrrrrrr…." FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Ah, crap."

"…blahhhhhhhhhhhhh." Just fucking great. I JUST KILLED MY COMMANDING OFFICER!!! AND LOST THE ONLY THING THAT COULD STOP ALL THIS SHIT FROM HAPPENING!!!!!!!

"No, Tucker. You can't hold my sniper rifle until tomorrow." SHIT! Time to bail. I got out of there before they even checked his pulse to see that he was dead, which is exactly what I did when I saw him like that back then. We came to the conclusion that he had a heart attack…but in reality I caused him to go into anaphylactic shock…how'd I know what it was called…oh well, who cares? "Well that didn't work out so well. I better lay low before I do some more damage."

A few weeks later…

"Man this _sucks._ It's still _weeks_ until Tex shows up, I still haven't seen any sign of that pink guy yet." Then suddenly, someone came up behind me, saying, "Hi."

I turned around and saw this guy in Red armor. "Ummm…Hello."

So he asks me, like an idiot, "Do you have any elbow grease?"

Elbow grease, what the fuck?! You some kind of idiot? "What're you _talking_ about?"

"How about headlight fluid? This is the store, right?" Store?!?! There's no store here. Just two bases of soldiers fighting over a pointless canyon.

"What? Look man, there's only two places _in_ this God damn canyon."

"Look. I just came from Red base."

Alright, then. Go over there, to blue base, and die. "Well, then the only other place you can go is, that way."

He seemed pretty happy about that. "Ok, thanks mister."

Then I realized: he's a red, maybe he's seen Donut. "Hey, wait a second. Is that pink guy over at Red Base yet?"

"_Pink_ guy? I don't know any _pink_ guys. There's a maroon guy," Simmons, "and an orange guy," Grif, "but no pink guys. Seeya later." Now, I didn't think about it at the time, but that WAS Donut, before Tex and the pink armor.

"Yeah thanks. What an idiot…" But what I did remember was that I died because we were chasing a red who stole our flag. "Wait a minute…"

So I ran down the hill as fast as I could and as far as I could without being seen to try and get Donut back, "Hey, buddy, no no no, don't go down there!"

But, it didn't work and I couldn't go any farther…and a few minutes later…he left the base with our flag. "Oh crap."

I heard Caboose yell, "The General stopped by, and picked up the flag!"

I saw myself and Tucker run back into the base when I saw something very important. "There's Sheila…SHEILA!!!" I ran over to try and get her on as I heard the four sniper shots I sent after Donut. "Sheila, Sheila, hey, wake up! Wake up, hey, Sheila, come on, turn on! Uhh... Ignition!"

Then I saw myself jump off the base and chase after Donut. SHIT!! COME ON TURN ON ALREADY! "Aw crap crap, come on, activate!"

"Thank you, for activating, the M808B Main Battle Tank." YES! "You may call me Phyllis."

Ok, great…wait Phyllis, what kind of name is Phyllis? "Hey, Sh- wait, Phyllis? Why not Sheila?"

"Name overwritten. You may now call me Sheila." Not important, I need to make sure you won't kill me in like 10 minutes.

"Whatever. Quickly. I need you to run through all your weapons system programs."

"Affirmative. Auto-lock is enabled. Barrel recoil dampers, are enabled." Alright, come on; go faster, time is money, TIME IS MONEY!

"Yeah, come on come on, hurry."

"Extra ammo management is disabled. The "Friendly Fire" protocol is enabled." That's it!

"Friendly Fire. That's the one that kills teammates, right?"

"Affirmative." Time to save myself.

"Alright…disable the "Friendly Fire" protocol."

""Friendly Fire" protocol is now disabled. Friendly forces may now be targeted by Auto-lock."

"YES!! WAIT!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!" SHIT I MADE IT SO SHE COULD KILL ME!!!!!!!! "That doesn't sound right. I want the other thing." I didn't notice Caboose run up and jump into the tank.

"Hello and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila."

"Hello…Sheila…big tank lady."

"Would you like me to run the tutorial program?" I was fucking confused, why was she asking me this?

"Sheila, what're you talking about? Forget what I just said."

"This tutorial program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion-class tank. Let's begin with some driving." She and Caboose started driving off and I realized that I was in a WORLD of trouble.

"WAIT! OH MY GOD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Sheila started to pick up speed and I ended up chasing her halfway across the canyon. She was saying, "I was built by an American automotive company and assembled in Mexico."

All the while, I was running behind her, shouting, "…No no no no no no no no no no no n-."

Now at this point, past me has noticed the tank and runs over to the edge to talk to Caboose and Sheila's cannon starts turning toward him.

And when it fires, I finally understood everything, "OH **_NO!!_** I'M THE TEAM KILLING FUCKTARD!!!!!!!!"

Tucker screamed at Caboose, "YOU KILLED CHURCH, YOU TEAM KILLING FUCKTARD!!!!!!"

Sheila then looks over at the Red base and starts driving towards the red base with Tucker running down the ridge after her. So I get up to my corpse I quickly grab the sniper rifle. "Ah, here we go. Now at least I can pick off that pink guy without getting too close to anybody."

So, to finish off the story at this point, Sarge comes back and blows up Sheila. "Ugh, what happened?" I hear behind me. I turned around and saw my own ghost. Ooooooooookaayyyyy, I don't remember this part. "I can see my body……I see two of my bodies. Am I dead?"

Ok, very VERY VERY awkward. "Uhh... Uh-oh, um, let's just put it this way: You were killed because someone very close to you is an idiot." Namely…yourself…which totally sucks.

"So I _am_ dead? Aw, that **blows** man! Wait... I see a light. Should I go in to it?"

So I start looking around trying to see if I could find the damn light he was talking about. And to be honest, the only one I saw was the fucking sun. "What light? I don't see a light; you must be shaken up from the explosion. You should probably rest."

Then, my past ghost starts to fade away, saying, "Farewell my body. I shake loose these earthy bonds, for a better existence..."

Did I really say that? That was gay on so many fucking levels, "Man... First I kill myself, then I realize I'm a honkin' dork. Not a very good day to be me."

"One second, Caboose, I wanna get Church's sniper rifle."

"Uh-oh." SHIT! Can't run away, have to hide…behind the rock.

"Aw crap, it's gone. Man I'm so fucking unlucky. Come on Caboose, let's go call Command."

"Um... Shouldn't we bury Church?" Wow, Caboose actually wanted to bury me. I wonder the idiots never did until I found out.

"Fuck that. Has he ever buried us?" Tucker, when I see you again in the future, I am going to kick your ass so badly.

Well, I decided that now was the time to go spy on the reds and try to find the pink guy. And now, with the sniper rifle, I can just kill him without getting anywhere near the red base. "Man, I've really gotta find that pink guy. Where the hell is he?"

I saw the red guy, not Sarge, but Donut, talking with Simmons and Grif. That's when I saw this weird shadow just run in front of my sight line. "What the…what was that?" I realized too late when I saw the sticky grenade on the red guy's head…It was Tex. BAM!!!!

"SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!!!"

I saw Grif swinging at the air with his pistol, trying to hit Tex, and I'm trying to figure out where the red guy went. Then I saw Sarge running along the side of the base, "Aw, shit!" Then I saw Tex run in right before him, "Tex! Don't go in there!" But it was too late, so I dropped the sniper rifle and ran inside. I ducked behind the wall as Tex's "voice-filter" broke. Grif shouted, "Aha. I knew it. Only a chick could give me a headache this big."

So Sarge started handing out orders. "Simmons, Grif. You watch the prisoner. Lopez and I will go topside and watch for a secondary attack. Simmons, if she attacks you, whistle twice and we'll know to come down and help. If she attacks Grif, just mild applause will do fine." Wow, Sarge REALLY must hate Grif if he wants Tex to beat the shit out of him…and program a robot to hit him when someone says "Dirtbag."

Simmons replied, "Yes sir." Kiss ass. So the two were watching her for a while, and Grif tried to hit on Tex, I think, "So, you're a girl, huh?" Tex just stared a hole right through him as Simmons said, "Just ignore him. That's what I do."

Changing the subject, Grif said to Tex, "Not so tough now that we've unloaded your weapon, are you?"

Tex told him, threateningly, "Hey punk. I don't need a weapon to kill you." And she's probably right, but Grif decided to test her.

"Yeah, right. What're you gonna do, punch me?"

So Tex feigns a strike and Grif flinches like little girl, "AAAAH! NOT THE FACE!!!" Bitch.

Sarge yelled down, "Grif, get yer keester up here. We got more of them Special Ops fellas headed toward the base."

So he reluctantly left Tex, "Coming, sir."

So I tried to sneak closer and Simmons asked Tex, "Did you hear that?" Ok, bad idea.

Eventually Sarge makes his way down and we have the incident from before where I took over Sarge's body and knocked Simmons out. Tex and past me/Sarge ran out and I remembered, "Oh right, that red guy was me when I came to rescue Tex. And then we walked outside an-." OH FUCK, CABOOSE SHOOTS ME IN THE HEAD! AND I JUST PROVIDED HIM WITH THE SNIPER RIFLE TO DO IT!!!!!! "Oh NO."

Then Simmons wakes up, "What happened? Oh man, the back of my head is killing me!"

"Yeah, that's great." And I punch his lights out.

"OW GEEZ! THE FRONT OF MY FACE!

I reach the base exit right in time for me to see Caboose shoot past me/Sarge.

"YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!"

"TUCKER DID IT!!!"

Many unsuccessful attempts later…

"Target locked." Sheila shot at the red base. Basically, we're at the battle that got Tex killed and where O'Malley jumped into Caboose. So I finally see Donut, in his pink armor. And shot at him with a full sniper rifle clip…and missed…HE WAS FUCKING STANDING STILL!!!!! AND I HAVE HIM LINED UP!

"OH MY GOD! HOW DID I MISS?!?!?!"

So Sheila continues to fire off rounds as I try to light Donut's head up like a Christmas tree…and still miss, "GODDAMNIT!!!!!" Then Donut runs up to the edge of the base, yells out, "HEY BITCH! REMEMBER ME?! I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA!!!" and he throws a grenade the arks over the entire canyon. I tried to shoot it down, "FUCK…THIS…HORSE…SHIT!!!!!!!" I missed every shot, and then the grenade landed on Tex. "AW CRAP!"

So, that's when I decided, fuck it, I'm not gonna be able to save ANYONE at this pace. "Alright, that's it. I quit. I'm gonna go live in a cave." I ran for the cave as I heard the grenade go off. WHY ME?????????????

A/N: AN ENTIRE CHAPTER DEVOTED TO ONE EPISODE!!!! I HAVEN'T DONE THIS SINCE MY ORIGINAL RvB FANFICS!!!! The first part of the flashback saga is done. Get ready for Episode 51: Episode 50 Part 2 coming to a fanficiton site near you.


	11. Chapter 11

Red vs. Blue: The Church Files  
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360. But other than that…

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2006.  
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

A/N: I just barely passed my first semester of college so expect these to come out pretty slowly.

Chapter 11:

Silver Linings Part 2

6 weeks later…

I hid in the cave overlooking the base as I watched the idiots conduct a "funeral" for me and Tex. Tucker finally realized that grenades can blow holes in the ground and blow up two holes. So the past guys argued about the eulogy as I tried to figure out a way to still complete my mission, "Okay. I may not have been able to save myself or Tex, but I still have time to save everybody else if I can just keep the A.I. from getting in to Doc, prevent Lopez and Sheila from forming their Robot Army, and somehow figure out a way to stop the war between the Reds and the Blues all together. Huh. What if I..." Then I realized that this is gonna be a lot harder than I thought. "Yeah I'm gonna need some help on this one."

So after the entire incident with the Reds I snuck over the base trying to find something to use to contact Vic. "Where the hell is that contact info for Blue Command. We really need to standardize the way we handle our information." Here's how we handled it. Caboose wrote a "Important Lists of Stuf" among which was the contact information for Blue Command…and it was drawn in blue crayon…what an idiot. So I read down the list and eventually found the code. "Ok here we go." I turned on the radio and called Vic.

"Come in Blue Command, do you read me?"

So amidst a ton of static, I heard Vic say, "Hello, hello, come in, do you read me, do I read you, hello, can you read me. What's goin' on, it's a secure channel here, come on." Uh….ok….

"Uh, yeah, this is , uh," Ok…time for bullshitting. "Flowers, this is Captain Butch Flowers." Oh yeah, I'm in trouble if they find out. First, killing a superior officer, then impersonating said officer, they must never know the truth.

"Heyyy, Captain Flowers, how're you doing dude? Hey I heard you died. Or got you promoted, wait a minute which one was it."

"Um…….promoted." Yeah, really in a lot of shit.

"Alright, great dude, how's that workin' out for you?"

Alright best way to get Doc out of this, make it top secret. "Good. Listen up, Vic. I'm actually uh…whaddaya call it, um…" What's the official term? Oh yeah. "Intelligence now, military intelligence, yeah. And I uh, I need help on a very top secret project, uh that's very secret…and very top." If he buys this, he's a retard.

"I'm all yours, dude. Me Vic dude es tu Vic dude. In a ditideepti and all that."

A/N: "Ditideepti"? Burnie what were you smoking when saying this.

"Here's what I need you to do. I need you to contact the Red Army, and have them send Medical Officer DuFresne…" Yeah I can pronounce it. I just like pissing people off. "…as far away from here is possible." Although, Vic seemed confused by all this.

"_Red Army_? No, no, dude. Last transmission I received that medic was at Blue Base. Got it right here in my log. No pun intended." You didn't tell any puns. "Not sure what that means." I DON'T CARE WHERE HE IS, JUST AS LONG AS IT'S NOT WITHIN 500 LIGHT YEARS OF HERE!

"Look, it doesn't matter where he is, I just need him outta here. They're both the same to me."

"Hello, dude. You're telling me that Red and Blue are the same now in Blood Gulch."

Yeah, we'll go with that if it gets him outta here. "Right, exactly, the sides don't matter."

"Heh, so Red and Blue are the same. Okay dude, well this changes everything."

"What?" The fuck are you talking about?

"Well, I mean, for starters, we're gonna have to figure how to divide up the money from the office pool." Whatever, just get his ass outta here.

"Okay okay yeah, whatever, just remember. This is top secret, so you can't let ANYBODY know that I gave you these instructions, okay? Or that we even spoke, don't even tell them that we talked together. You got it?"

"I will proceed accordingly dude, mum is the word…Actually bird is the word cause the bird says mum. Over and out, dude."

"Well that should take care of at least one problem."

Later…

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING?" Simmons yelled.

"OH WHAT THE HELL?!?!? VIC JUST HAD 'EM BRING DOC BACK OVER HERE?!? THAT GUY'S A FRICKING MORON!!! NOW I'M BACK TO SQUARE ONE!!!!!!!!"

Ok, now I need to keep Sheila and Lopez from making their "robot army". Ok, I'll go talk to them.

A/N: Ok, RvB fucked the timeline up in here somewhere.

So I came up to Sheila and Lopez and made a very poorly planned speech to them about how the robot army was bad. "Hey there Lopez, Sheila, you're both looking... uh very shiny, today, uh, rust-free, and, anyway, uh-huhm. The reason I'm up here to talk to you guys is, I know we've had our differences in the past, you know with uh, the nut turning and the um possessing and stuff like that, ah but I'm hoping we could put that behind us 'cause I wanna talk to you about maybe some crazy ideas you might be havin up here? Like I dunno, say uh, starting your own robot army? And you know it's, it's something you should think about pretty seriously if you're thinking about doing it, um because it's hard to run an army, and you might not be aware that, it's a lotta, it's a lot of logistics, a lot of rhetoric, um, you know it's uh, you gotta have chain of command, and that stuff you know, it's it's uh when you have ranks it, it puts friends against each other, that's not always a good thing. 'Cause it might seem like it's easy with only three people, even when those people are just robots- I don't mean, I don't mean _just_ robots, I mean, three, you have, you you have three you have three people, that are, mechanized people, mechanized, Americans um, and then, you know, it's uh, it's uh, anyway you shouldn't do it. Bye." I ran off feeling like I just saved myself a lot of trouble, "Well that felt good, I think we really connected. Now, what'm I gonna do about those teleporters..." but after what happened with Vic and Doc…I think I might've just jinxed myself.

Back at the red base…

"Because that's the day I wash my underwear, and since I don't like to let my armor touch my bare skin, on the account of I chafe _really easily_, I remember thinking, where can I hang out with no pants on," Donut was telling Grif some weird ass story while I was working on the teleporter to make sure we don't all get split up when we chase after O'Malley, if that still happens.

Grif, though, was obviously scared now, "Oh God!"

"Jesus, what's that guy babblin' about down there, I thought _Tucker_ was annoying. Okay, concentrate, just one more adjustment to make on this teleporter and then we're done." I turned the wrench one more time and that's when I saw Sheila and Lopez. "Oh hey look, here comes Sheila and Lopez. Oh they, sure are coming fast..." Wait, they're not slowing down, they're charging… "Hey they don't even seem to be stopping'." Wait…oh shit. "Uh-oh."

"CURSES!!!" Grif screamed as the tank ran over him and the jeep before…

_CRASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!_

I was thrown from the top of the base.

About 5 Episodes Later…

My God, what hit me? Oh right, an enormous 2000 ton tank. "What happened? Where am I?" Oh yeah, the canyon. "When am I?" So I looked over to the middle of the canyon and I saw everybody…and I mean EVERYBODY minus Doc. "Oh no. The parabola of mystery! That means any second now Tucker's gonna get shot by O'Malley and then all hell's gonna break loose. Unless..." So I looked around to find something to use to keep O'Malley of shooting Tucker. That's when I saw it. The reds had a fucking ROCKET LAUNCHER that was just LAYING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING CANYON!!!!!! "God I can't believe the Reds have this kind of hardware lying around and they're not even using it."

I picked it up and saw O'Malley leave the cave and approach the large group. I sighted him and locked on with it and fired.

"It's all a-…" BOOM!! "AHHHH SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!"

"WHAT THE HELL!? The targeting system on this thing doesn't work at all………… Oh, so maybe that's why the Reds don't use it. That makes sense now."

Well, by now the entire cluster fuck had started all I could really do was just watch. So I decided, once again…Fuck it.

"Unh, maybe I'll just sit this one out. I'm pretty sure I know how it ends."


	12. Chapter 12

Red vs. Blue: The Church Files  
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360 later this year. But other than that…

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2007.  
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

Well, Church completely fucked up everything in Season 1 and then made things even worse in Season 2, so how could Season 3 be any worse…

…Don't answer that. God, how the fuck am I gonna make this work.

Update came fast this time. REALLY FAST!!!!

Chapter 12:  
Have We Met?

Or

Church: 1 Million, Laws of Physics: -∞

I came out of the cave as Tucker, Tex, and Donut were getting ready to leave and join the others on Sidewinder. Sheila was sending them on there way, "Good luck everyone, take care. I packed you all lunches for the trip."

Tucker replied to her, "Thanks, Sheila. That was really nice of you."

"Not really. All my bag had was an air filter and a thermos full of brake fluid." Ok, Donut, I was just about to ask how she did it, but now you're scared me even more.

"Make sure to wash your exhaust pipes everyday," Sheila said before the others left.

"Bye, Sheila, we'll come back for you soon," Tucker, I would highly doubt that.

"I'll be waiting." That's where I decided to make my move. I ran up to the base to tell Sheila my plan and she saw me, "Church! I thought you left with Grif. Back already?"

Yeah, for me, it's not already, it's been over 1000 years. Anyway, I only have a short time, so I have to make this quick, "I hate to tell you this Sheila, but none of us are comin' back. Is there any way I can take you with me? Maybe transfer your program in to a disk or something like that?"

"No sorry, but I'm hardwired in to this equipment. That's what happens when you're built by the lowest bidder."

"Yeah, tell me about it." Not really. "There's just one more thing you can do for me before I say goodbye. It's the last thing I can do to hopefully set all this stuff right." It really is the last thing I can think of here.

"What is it?"

"Okay, here's what I need you to do. _I need you to get out there, and I need you to wait off a real fricking wait, and give it a thousand years or something like that, and then send a call."_

_"You got it," yes, now to try and stop a 10-megaton bomb. Wait, how did my body survive the first bomb…fuck it._

_"_Thanks Sheila. And uh, sorry that I blamed you for killing me all this time."

"That's okay, I'm sorry I enjoyed blowing you up so much." Uh…didn't really need to hear that.

"Yeah I'm not sure it was necessary to tell me that. Anyway, I guess this is goodbye Sheila."

I jumped through the teleporter and went toward the jail cells. I got there right in time to see Wyoming taunting me and Grif.

"Ah yes, dear Tex. After I take care of your little friend Tucker, I'll be taking care of her as well."

"When I get outta here-."

"But you won't. Everyone here is dead now. No one even knows where you are. So I suppose now you'll just have to starve to death. Hu-huh. Cheerio."

There was a control panel nearby saying "**Note: Please don't release prisoners - Thanks, Mgt" **For fucks sake, I didn't think any reds could be worse off in their minds than Caboose. Oh well, more important matters, "Man, there is _no way_ Grif can disarm that bomb. I better let him out of there and then go find Tex. She can shut it off."

Back with the past people, "You should try showering in Cell Block C. Those guys are animals."

"Ok, here goes."

"You opened the doors, that wasn't scary at all."

"What, I didn't do that, somebody on the _out_side must have done it. Alright, let's go."

"Freedom! It smells so sweet! Let's go rob a liquor store on the way home."

"Alright, now to find Tex." Shouldn't be too hard, I mean, she should be with Tucker and the others. I went outside and hid up on a ridge overlooking the guys, the reds, O'Malley and Lopez…but no Tex. So I tried to call her on the radio.

"Come in, Tex. I need you to meet me in the middle of the canyon, right now. This is Church." That won't work, what else does she like, "Uh... I have money." That should work. "Oh man, where is she?"

Suddenly I hear something behind me, "Psst! _Hey, hey buddy! Hey!"_

_I turned around and saw another guy in cobalt armor. Wait, cobalt? "_Huh? Who're you?"

"Huh? Oh, I'm you. I'm just a different version of you. Yeah see, I keep trying to fix the bomb, just like you're doing, except I don't do it right, and I get blasted back in time. Then I come back, and try to fix everything all over again. I just wanna let you know, when you get back, meet us at the top of the ramp."

Wait, what? "Us, who's us? Back from where, what's goin' on?"

"Man, this blows. You guys suck."

"WHAT THE HELL?"

"Sorry Private Tucker, but I _al_ways get my man. Say good bye mate."

"Uh guys, I hate to interrupt, but... zero seconds."

"Uh-oh."

"What? Oh, son of a-."

(A/N: Re-insert super kickass major explosion here.)

Right before Church leaves Gary.

"SEE YOU IN A FEW HUNDRED YEARS."

SHIT!!!! I just missed myself, oh well, here's Gary. "Computer, you gotta send me back."

"TO BLOOD GULCH? YOU JUST LEFT." FUCK BLOOD GULCH! I need to get to Sidewinder and stop that fucking bomb.

"NO NO NO!!! Not to Blood Gulch, to Sidewinder! Man I _totally_ screwed everything up!"

"How?"

Of all the questions, HOW?! I KILLED MYSELF, I COULDN'T SAVE MY GIRLFRIEND, VIC'S AN IDIOT, AND A HUGE BOMB STILL DETONATED AND BLASTED ME 1000 YEARS INTO THE PAST!!!!! That's the long version. Short version, "Well, I didn't keep the bomb from going off, so I just got blasted back here."

(A/N: And now, I try to make this work…)

(Help me.)

Suddenly, another guy, another ME, popped in and said, "Yeah me too."

I turned to look at him and basically freak, "What the-."

So he tells me, "Let me just put it this way pal." That's when thousands more me's start popping in. "Your next plan? Goes about as well as the first one does."

Gary shit his electronic pants and said with an obvious hint of concern, "UH-OH!"

Later…

I couldn't believe it. I had actually created my own fucking time paradox. I think that I have just broken every single law of physics in the known universe… jumps…Well, maybe not gravity, but definitely all the others. "What the hell is all of this?!" I asked running up to a whole group of me's, which I will now call Church's being as "me's" isn't a word.

One Church notices me come up, "Oh, here he is. Late again."

Now, I'm really confused at this point. "Who are you guys?"

The same Church yells at me, "We're you, **dumbass!** We just keep screwing up and getting blown back to the computer terminal. Then we teleport here to try again."

Another Church said, "I know that man, you told me last time."

The first one tells him, "I'm not talking to _you_, I'm talking to the _new_ you!"

"Oh, right, sorry about that I'm still gettin' used to all this."

Another Church screams from the back, "DUMBASS!"

"Hey, shut up."

Alright, time to see what other people did so I don't fuck it up like they did…again. "How did all you guys screw up?"

The first guy says, "Well, when Tucker points the rocket launcher at us, I tried to explain the situation to everybody, and oddly, Caboose was really the only person who understood it right away. Anyway, by the time I finished answering questions the bomb went off and I got sent back in time." Ok, considering there were only a few minutes left when you arrived, that's kinda shocking.

The next Church told us his plan, "Right, then I teleported _back_ to Sidewinder, and thought, if I could shoot Wyoming, before he shoots Tucker, then I can fix everything. But I shot Wyoming, then Tucker shot me with the rocket launcher, the bomb went off anyway, and I got sent back in time." I know that wouldn't work.

So the idiot Church tells me, "And then I teleported back, and just decided to kill everybody that I could see." Wait, what? How the hell would that help anything?

"Why did you do that?"

"I dunno, seemed like fun. I think I went a little nuts there for a while."

"Well, what did you do?" I asked this one Church…in yellow…armor…

"Dude, don't ask. Trust me, it, it didn't work." Ok…how he got his armor yellow…I don't know but it was probably something really disgusting.

One of the Churches in the back adds in, "So now we all come back here _beforehand_ to discuss what we did, and see if we can collectively come up with a better plan beforehand."

"You said beforehand twice."

Now to tell them my plan, "Oh. Well in that case, what I was thinking about doing was-."

"That won't work," they ALL said, and I mean ALL of the other Church's said it.

Hey wait, there's a finite number, who's the most recent, who's done everything. "Hey I got it, who's the last Church?"

"Huh?'

"Which one of you, is the latest version of me?"

(I'm gonna be switching POV to this guy after Tex gets rescued, but for now, he is Church n).

"I guess that would be me," said the latest Church. Church n told us, "I've already tried all the stuff that all these other guys have done…" Then he motioned to the yellow Church, "Even him, so, I guess that makes me the latest version."

Time to apply logic. "Well that must mean you're the one that gets it right then."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if you're the last Church, you must be the one that fixes everything. Otherwise, there'd be a thousand other Churches here, still trying to get it right." Wait, I just forgot, I broke the laws of physics a million times over and he probably told this to the latest guy when he was me.

"I see."

"Wait, why am I explaining this to you? If you're the latest Church, then you've been me, explaining this to you already."

"Uh yeah, I know, I just didn't wanna steal my own thunder. I thought it was a pretty good idea."

"THANKS!"

"Thanks."  
Church n decided to on his new plan pretty quickly, "Okay, well I'm gonna go do whatever it is that fixes all this, wish me luck guys."

I asked him, "What're you gonna do?"

So he told us his "plan" which wasn't really much OF a plan, "You know what? I'm just gonna go free Tex, and wing it. 'Cause every time I've made a plan, it's fallen apart. I figure, why not just improvise."

After he was gone, one of the other Church's asked Mr. Yellow Church, "So, what did you do?"

"Oh man, seemed like such a good idea at the time."

AND POV CHANGE!!!!

Ok, Church, you've fucked things over so much already. I thought to myself. All your plans have fallen apart. Just go get Tex outta there and hope for the best… Otherwise everyone is gonna be standing in front of you again and blown…forward…in time…Ok, plan B has been made.

That's when I arrived at the scene where Tex was tied up…and there was another Church there already, "Oh right, I forgot, I already _set_ Tex free one of the other times. _Oh sweet,_ then that means I'm the guy that interrupts me, and then confuses Tex."

Tex got REALLY confused at this point, "I'm totally confused."

"Oh don't worry Tex, I'm just supposed to tell _him_ that it's okay to set Tex free."

The other Church looked at me funny, "It is?"

Well, things haven't changed at all so, do it, "Well, that's what I said to me when I was you, and it seemed to work out okay."

Tex just stood there, "Seriously, this is really confusing."

He untied Tex, "Okay, you're free Tex. Now to execute the second part of my plan. I'm gonna possess Lopez, and then use his lightning machine to defuse the bomb. Seeya!"

"Good luck!" I yelled after him. Though I probably shouldn't have let him go because he kinda shoots me with the lighting bolt that fuses the detonator and makes Sarge tell us about the improbable idea of being brainwashed by us. He's only slightly less retarded than Caboose in some ways.

I told Tex, "Yeah, that's totally not gonna work. Tex, I recommend you get down there, and try to defuse the bomb that's in Church's stomach. I think you're about the only one here that can do it." She was about to leave when I stopped her, "And Tex? The one thing I didn't realize before was this. Maybe I'm the last Church not because I fix everything, but because I died and there's no way I can come back. And if that happens, I just wanna let you know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I got you mixed up in all this stupid stuff. I'm sorry I wasn't a better guy than I should've been. I'm sorry for... fwell, for a lot of stuff." I paused and then realized that I should just use plan B. "...But, if we _do_ survive this, then it's totally because of me, and you should build a fucking statue in my honor."

Then she ran off.

"I'm serious! Somethin' cool. Like me on a horse! _No no no wait, a motorcycle!"_

_Ok, she's not going for the bomb, Plan B is a go._

"Man, this blows. You guys suck."

"WHAT THE HELL?"

"Sorry Private Tucker, but I _al_ways get my man. Say good bye mate."

"Uh guys, I hate to interrupt, but... zero seconds."

"Uh-oh."

I ran up behind Caboose and he noticed me, "CHURCH!"

I told him, "What can I tell you dipshit. For better or for worse, I'm back."

(A/N: Reinsert massive enormous super kickass PURE PWNAGE EXPLOSION here…for the last time.)

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!! Starting with Grif. Everyone get ready to kiss your ass good-bye. Simmons, you can have the honor of kissing mine." That's the first thing I heard when I arrived at the complex. Sarge was going ape-shit because they had planted a large bomb and it was about to go off.

"Hey everybody, what's up?"

Caboose turned and looked at me, very thrilled, "I am so happy that you made it in time to die with me. We will get to be smithereens together!"

I told him, point blank, "That won't be necessary, Caboose." I turned to the large computer in the middle of the complex. "Hey Gary how ya doin'?"

The 'blue screen of death' faded from the screen and was replaced by the familiar green text that I had to stare at for 1000 years…and a couple thousand retries.

"NOT BAD. ALTHOUGH MY STATIC-ION SUBMATRIX IS A LITTLE ITCHY."

Grif and Simmons were freaked out. Simmons said, "The computer can talk?!"

Grif was equally freaked, "The computer's name is GARY?!"

"HOW HAVE YOU BEEN CHURCH?" Gary said, completely ignoring the reds.

"Good, thanks for asking. Listen, would you do me a favor? Could you shut off the bomb please."

"NO PROBLEM." Then like a good little television bomb, it ticked all the way down to 1 second left…and then turned off.

Sarge went ape-shit again, "Gary, you mean to tell me you could have turned off the bomb this whole time, and you didn't say so? And don't say I didn't-."

"YOU DIDN'T ASK." Ok, never say that, because you will always hear "you didn't ask"

Sarge cursed something unintelligible and I told everyone, "Man, it is really great to see you guys."

Tucker was surprised by my statement, and my mood in general, "You seem like you're in a good mood."

"I learned a very valuable lesson in my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem-."

Caboose figured he knew what I was gonna say and finished my sentence, "They could be worse." Actually, Caboose, that's NOT what I was gonna say.

"Nope. No matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer bitching."

Caboose just stared at me, "Where have you been?"

So I told him, "You want the long version, or the short?"

Caboose decided he didn't want to try to understand a lot of shit and said, "I will take the easy version, please."

But Tucker, wanting to hear the gross details said, "Oh I wanna hear the long version. But can you tell me in three parts?"

Alright…here goes…

A/N: Church trilogy is over. Back to regular storylines next time.

R+R


	13. Chapter 13

Red vs. Blue: The Church Files  
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360. But other than that…

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2006.  
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

A/ N: Time to wrap up Season 3. Also, I've gotten bored just writing out the story…so now we'll have a new feature: INTERJECTIONS!!!!!

Tucker: Bow-chicka-bow-wow.  
Not yet Tucker. We haven't even reached that episode yet.

Chapter 13:  
Who's There?

Tucker was holding on to this strange sword and was telling us about it after I finished my story. By us, I mean myself, Tex, and Caboose. "You got this thing where?"

Tucker pointed to a hole in the giant windmill, "Right up there."

Meanwhile, Caboose was still stuck on my story, "So…you went back in time…and didn't change…anything."

"Uh yeah, I was just like a, passive observer." Well, more like an aggressive person who just happened to fuck everything up and create a causality loop…a really big one.

"I would have tried to save your life…FROM ME!" Caboose seemed so happy to think of the idea that I had come up with 1000 years ago.

So, I sarcastically said, "Yeah, I didn't think of that," and then turned back to the important conversation involving Tucker and the sword, "Hey, Tucker I don't think it's a good idea that you're keeping that thing."

"You're just pissed because you don't have one," Yeah right. Me jealous because you have a weapon that I don't? Three things are wrong with your statement Tucker.

I hate you to begin with so you gaining something that I don't have, except money, won't piss me off.

I couldn't give a damn about that sword to begin with

And 3, and most importantly, "No, you must have me confused with Tex. been staring at you non-stop since you found that thing."

Tex was just staring at the sword, like she was some fat pig eyeing the last piece of cheesecake. gun clicks in background

Church: It's a metaphor Tex, calm down.  
Tex: I don't care take it out.  
Church: Fine. deletes it Happy now?  
Tex: Very.  
Tex leaves  
Church: Sensitive bitch.  
Tex: I HEARD THAT!

Anyway, Tex is staring at the damn thing, probably trying to think up a way to take it away from Tucker, and use it on us. "That's not true," she flat out told us.

Bullshit. You've been staring at it for the last 20 minutes.

Tex: IT WAS 10 MINUTES!  
Church: WHATEVER!!! I'm rewriting the story the way I want to.

"You haven't taken your eyes off it."

"Yes I have."

When? "Then why haven't you looked at me the entire time I've been talkin'?"

"I'm looking at you right now."

"No you're not!" She's still staring like something I can't type or else hundreds of women will beat my ass…in the bad way.

…

…

Okay, then.

"I've already seen you…not too impressed."

Then the idiot decided to have foot in mouth once again, "I would have tried to save Tex, too…"

Like I didn't THINK OF THAT OVER 1000 YEARS AGO?!?!?! "Well I didn't Caboose, I didn't try to save me, I didn't try to save Tex, and I SURE AS HELL DIDN'T MAKE A MILLION COPIES OF MYSELF, TRYING TO KEEP THE BOMB FROM GOING OFF!!!!!!"

"Oh…because that was my next suggestion." God, what does it take to shut you up.

"Leave me alone, Caboose. I didn't wanna mess with the timeline." Not really, but I did fuck it up even worse than it already was.

Caboose seemed to be offended by what I said, "Time, _line?_ Time isn't made out of lines. It is made out of circles. That is why clocks are round." Idiot.

Tex then proved my point about her and the sword, "Man, that thing is really shiny."

"Yep," Tucker added.

However, I was trying to dissuade Tucker from playing with the sword. It seemed pretty important to the old alien culture, "Tucker man, I still think- computer told me that thing is a very important relic, for some ancient culture. I wouldn't go swinging it around like that."

"Yeah? Well I think it's just a kickass piece of bling. And who're you gonna believe, me, or some super-smart stupid talking computer?"

The computer. Any day, of any week, of any year, of any EON!!!! I will believe the computer more than you especially since I've been in a room with him for 1000 years.

So that's when Donut arrives and starts telling us this really really REALLY pointless story about San Francisco, and reindeer and Christmas.

"And that's the story of how I saved Christmas," which was total utter and complete BULLSHIT!!!! But guess who believed him…yeah, of course.

"I did not even know the North Pole was in San Francisco. _This changes everything_."

Tucker was as skeptical as I was…COMPLETELY! "Yeah, and I don't think Santa's suit is a leather biker's outfit."

So that's when I saw Sarge, Grif, and Simmons messing with the jeep. "Hey wait a second, why are we letting this pink guy distract us?"

Donut tried to play it off, "I'm not distracting you."

Bullshit, "Yeah, you are. While we're sitting here jabbering, the reds are over there monkeying about!"

Donut silently cried "Yes!" and then he ran back to the reds.

So we came up on the reds who were toying around with something in their jeep. Couldn't really tell what it was.

Caboose: I did…because Andy heard them talking about monkeys. And Gruff was in the back seat with one while…  
Church: CABOOSE!!! I'm not up to that yet…well, I'm almost up to that, but still, don't ruin it for everyone. Get outta here.

My God, such a fucking moron. Anyways, Tex, with her super armor was able to tell what they were doing, "See? They're down there, messing with the radio."

I couldn't tell what the hell was going on until she said that. I just thought they were fucking with the jeep. "Oh, so _that's_ what they're doin'."

"Yeah. They must be plotting something." Just cause they're messing with the radio doesn't mean they're plotting anything.

"Or, maybe they're just listening to the radio."

But Tex, being the super spec ops person on the team, knew what she was seeing. "I know plotting when I see it. That's plotting."

Tucker decided to add to my already taxed confusion, "Maybe they're scheming."

"No scheming looks different. That's definitely plotting. They're gonna try something."

You can tell that from right here? Tucker though still believed his stupid little conspiracy, "Why? I already told them Red and Blue are the same, it's all a conspiracy."

Yeah, one that Vic made up…well, I made up to get Doc out of Blood Gulch…which didn't work, "And I told _you_ that's not true. Vic just made it up to confuse us."

"That just means he's part of the conspiracy."

"But he's the one that _told you_ Red and Blue are the same."

"Exactly." Wait, Tucker, what kind of fucking conspiracy are you talking about.

"Wait are, are you talking about a conspiracy that Red and Blue are the same, or a conspiracy that Red and Blue are different?"

Tucker just said it again, "Exactly." Exactly WHAT?! What's your fucking theory, or are you just making shit up?

"You just keep saying exactly, do you have a theory or don't you?"

Tex decided to interrupt with the fact that the Reds were still trying to think of something to do against us. "Look, I don't care about Red, **or** Blue. All I know, is that those guys are up to something down there."

Tucker made up an even MORE bullshit theory. "Maybe they're planning to use the radio to beam secret messages to the fillings in my teeth."

Fillings in your teeth?! SECRET MESSAGES?!?!?!

"Secret messages about **_what!?"_**

"Exactly." My God.

Suddenly Caboose popped up with a theory that actually seemed valid.** "**They are probably trying to tune in to the distress signal they heard on the radio."

We all turned to him, "What makes you say that?"

So that's when he gives us a very long and lengthy…

Caboose: Is this the part?  
Church: YES CABOOSE!!! Go over there and be quiet.  
Caboose: …Ok.

…and lengthy description of what he supposedly heard, "Oh, I know all the details. They were in their car, _the Boss Hogg_, when Simmin, heard a distress signal, on, the radio, and Gruff was in the back seat. With a monkey."

Tucker seemed skeptical, not very surprising there being as about three quarters of his statement was incorrect, "Hmm, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume that some of that is wrong."

So was I, "How do you know all this Caboose?"

And he told us, "Andy told me."

Andy? I don't know any Andy's.

"_Andy, _who's Andy?" So I looked over at Tucker, and asked, "Are you, are you Andy?

"I'm not Andy, I'm Tucker." I KNOW DUMBASS! What's your fucking first name?

"Not, I know, what's your first name?"

"Lavernius."

"Lavernius, then who's this Andy g-." Hey, wait a minute. That's a black guy's name…is he black? "Wait a second... are you black?"

"Me?" Who else dumbass?

"Yeah."

"Does it matter?" Not really, I just want to know.

"No. I'm just curious."

"Well if it doesn't matter then why are you curious?" Well, I've been working with you for a couple of years now and I've never seen what you look like.

"I don't know, I guess that's just something I should have picked up on after all this time."

"You know what else you should have picked up on? **My fucking first name!"**

Asshole.

So, with the reds still working on their car, Caboose took the others inside…to the bomb. I watched the entire thing from the main room where Gary was.

Caboose introduced Tex and Tucker to the bomb, "This is Andy. Andy this is Tex and Tucker. Uh, the black one is Tex, and the other black one is Tucker."

We were ALL skeptical this time with Tucker being the one to ask, "Andy's the bomb?"

Caboose replied, "Uh, Andy, prefers the term 'Explosive American.'"  
"Are you making fun of me?"

"He told me all about what the Reds are up to. _Didn't you Andy..." The bomb just sat there…glowing. "_Yes. -and then we talked about, _all our adventures,_ did you know that he used to know Sheila? Isn't that right Andy?"

The bomb just continued to sit there…and glow. Why was the bomb glowing?

So Tucker, starting to get worried (why, I don't know), asked Caboose, "Ehm, Caboose, are you hearing the bomb talk right now?"

Caboose, ignoring Tucker, started to yell at the bomb, "_Say something Andy. _**_You are embarassing me in front of my friends._"**

Tex was seriously concerned over the way he was acting, **"**Caboose, I think you're losing it."

Tucker added, "Also I wouldn't really call us 'friends,' we're more like acquaintances or, people who work with other people they hate."

That's about the point when I turned back to Gary to talk to him. "Gary, I need you to tell me some more about the Alien race that needs Tucker's sword."

"I DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THEM."

"You don't know _anything_ about the Aliens that programmed you?"

"correct. instead they filled all my memory banks with information about the great destroyer and his race."

"You mean humans?"

"THAT IS NOT WHAT THEY CALL YOU…BUT CORRECT." Ok, so what are we known as then?

"Fine, what do they call us." This should be good.

"SHISNO."

…

…

…

"That's an insult, isn't it?" I mean, it definitely sounds like one, a very BAD one.

"PERHAPS THIS CAN BE BEST EXPLAINED IN THE FORM OF A KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE."

I sighed. Not this again. As if 1000 years of jokes wasn't bad enough.

"KNOCK KNOCK."

"Who's there?"

"YOU ARE."

"You are who?"

"YOU ARE A DIRTY DIRTY SHISNO. HA HA HA." That's it. I want to know what it is they think we are.

"Alright, what does it mean?"

"WHAT IS THE MOST FOUL-SMELLING ANIMAL ON YOUR PLANET?"

Well that's obvious, "A skunk. Wait, so Shisno means skunk?!" That's not an insult at all.

"NOT EXACTLY." Didn't think so. "DOES A SKUNK DEFECATE?"

"Yes." It's an animal, why wouldn't it?

"AND DOES THE SKUNK'S DEFECATION IN TURN PRODUCE ITS OWN EXCREMENT?"

WHAT?!??!?!! DEAR GOD NO!!!!!!!! "Ew, no!!!!"

"THEN THERE IS NO EQUIVALENT FOR SHISNO IN YOUR LANGUAGE."

Thank you for that, because that would probably sound nasty. "Gross."

"LIKE YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE." Hey, I wonder if the bomb ever 'talked' to Gary at all. I asked him.

"Hey, does that bomb, ever talk to you?" I figure that it shouldn't hurt to ask.

"THE BOMB? NO. NEVER." Yep, that was expected.

"Yeah, I didn't think so."

"ANDY AND I ARE NOT ON SPEAKING TERMS RIGHT NOW."

"Heh heh yeah." Wait, Caboose got his information from Andy. And now Gary is calling the bomb Andy…No…time to make sure. "Wait, Andy?"

"CORRECT. HE IS KIND OF A JERK."

That's when all of a sudden, this weird voice shout out from the other room…where the bomb was. "Hey, I'm not the jerk. YOU'RE the jerk…jerk."

"THAT WAS VERY RUDE."

"Ah, shut up ya Shisno!" Oh boy…yet ANOTHER talking machine…this is going to be a long day isn't it.

I arrived as Tucker and Tex were recovering from Andy's outburst. Tucker looked over at Caboose and said, "You're trying to tell us that this bomb can talk."

Caboose looked at him, "I'm not telling you that," then looked back at the bomb. "He's telling you that."

Andy shouted at Tucker, "YEAH! And I'm STANDING RIGHT HERE!!! You CAN talk to me."

Tucker was suspicious, "If you could talk this whole time, then why didn't you just... wait, why'm I talking to a bomb? I'm not doing this."

This pissed Andy off, and considering that he is a dangerous explosive object…I'd say that is a bad idea, "What, am I not **good enough** to talk to? Who do you think _you_ are, some kind of "too good to talk to a bomb" type?"

"Maybe it's a good idea NOT to piss off the explosive device," I said trying to defuse the situation, no pun intended.

Tex immediately spoke up, "I agree."

Ok, time to get myself in trouble, "I wasn't talking about you, Tex."

Tex was beginning to threaten me, "Hey, why don't you suck my -."

That's when Tucker interrupted, "Did Gary say anything about the bomb being able to talk?"

Well…not much, just keeps rambling about 'shisnos' and the 'Great Destroyer', "Uh, just that this whole place is going to be destroyed by us, and that Andy here is probably the thing that does it."

"Oh…That's not good." No duh, shitface.

Andy was pretty much in agreement with me…only a lot more violent, "I don't _think_ so. Bunch of _shisnos_ if ya ask me. And no one _did_ ask me which I find insulting!"

Ok, starting to get bad, he's getting worked up, "Alright, alright calm down Andy, calm down."

"DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! I _AM _CALM!!!!"

So while he kept rambling, I whispered to Caboose, being as he had a connection with Andy, "Caboose, calm this thing down before it has a meltdown."

So Caboose tried his best to get Andy to relax, "Andy, everyone here is your friend. And no one wants to hurt you." Not really.

"Yeah, right."

He kept going, "Come on Andy, think of a happy place. Now what makes you happy?"

Andy replied pretty excitedly, "Being in the middle of a **huge explosion!"** NO CABOOSE!! BAD!!!!

"Less happy place, Caboose. Less happy place," I quickly said. Don't even get him thinking about that.

**"**Ah u... think calming thoughts, uh... let's count backwards from ten! Ten, nine, eight-."

"NO!!!!" (Tex and Tucker)

"DUCK!" (Me at the same time)

Eventually Caboose figured out a way to calm him down and was saying, "You are in a cool river, where no one disturbs you, or calls you names. Like 'Bomby.' Or, 'The Exploding Jerk.' There are sheep nearby, _the kind that don't blow up_, you are happy. _But not overly happy..._ Regular happy."

Tex surprisingly was giving her own advice to Andy, "Breathe in through your nose (insert breathing noise here) and out through the mouth. Again, in through the nose (again, insert breathing noise), and out through the mouth."

So I had an idea, a little yoga/feng-shui shit should help get him to relax. And no I am not gay, I don't use any of that shit. My exercise…chasing Tucker around the canyon with an assault rifle in my hands. "Uh, maybe I'll get some candles, would you like some candles, or some incense? How 'bout that?"

Even Gary was getting in on it. "HEY ANDY. KNOCK KNOCK."

"Who's there?"

"INNER PEACE AND SERENITY."

"I already heard that one."

So we finally got him relaxed and we decided to make sure, "So we cool here?" I asked everyone.

Tucker replied, "I think we're finally calmed down."

Caboose added, "Yes. We are all better now, we are not mad, and we are definitely not thinking about exploding at all any more." Which was probably not the best thing to say because Andy put two and two together and got…pissed off.

"Hey, are you talkin' about me?" he asked, with a hint of anger in his voice.

I panicked, "What? No, course not. We just wanna make sure that we're all happy, and that we're not upset in any way whatsoever."

"Don't say "we", you really mean me. I mean, you, which in this case, _is_ me." Uh…ok Church think, who else gets really pissed off in this group… "No no no, uh, we're uh, talking about Tex."

"EXCUSE ME?!?!?!"

I whispered to her, fearing for my life, "Hey, you wanna die in an explosion? Play along." So I turned back to Andy and started to till him a story that will probably get me beat up if I try to tell it right now.

Tex: Go right ahead. It happened, didn't it? And besides I still haven't paid you back for that yet so I'll probably beat you up anyway later…  
Church: Ok, I get it. Just not right now, I want to be able to finish this.

"Yeah, um... I don't know if you've noticed but she's uh... she's kind of a bitch. Isn't that right Tex."

What I got in return was a glare and a "Church…"

Tucker tried to give me a hand and grunted out, "Come on Tex."

She sighed and decided, very begrudgingly, to play along, "Yes, we're talking about me."

Andy wasn't believing it in the least, "Sounds like you're patronizing me."

Tex, in a very convincing way, said, "No really, it's me, I'm a bitch."

I prodded her on to keep the illusion up for Andy, "Heh heh, keep going."

"And I need to be calmed down **all the time**."

"Or what happens?"

"Or, else I get so mad," she said as she gave me the most ice cold stare ever, "I kill people on my own team."

…

"…I see your point."

Caboose added, "Tell about the moodiness…and the crankiness."

Then Tucker made it very convincing, screaming out, "Also mention that you like to punch people in the head while they sleep."

At this point Caboose got really upset, "That was you!? I thought the Tooth Fairy was mad at me."

Andy was convinced at this point, "_Well_, she sounds like a real handful."

So Tex decided to drop the charade, "Alright listen you little noob firecracker…"

DON'T FINISH THAT THOUGHT! "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! See what I mean Andy? Volatile."

I got another stare kinda like the one I know I'm getting right now, "I am so gonna remember this Church."

Tex: And I still do.

Whatever, Caboose gave me a good suggestion, "You should sleep with your pillow on top. Of your head. Tonight."

I ignored him and told Tex flatly, "Yes, that's very funny, make all the threats you want. As long as everyone is calm, and peaceful, and there's nothing else to make us excited, I don't care."

That's when a rocket exploded directly behind me and I heard O'Malley scream out, "ATTACK MY ROBOT MINIONS!" amid his evil laughter.

I told everyone there, "I could almost feel that coming, right as I finished the sentence." That's when another explosion rocked the base.

No, it wasn't Andy. He was actually pretty calm through the ordeal. Caboose stayed with him, Tex and Tucker went to see what we were fighting strength wise, and I went to confer something with Gary.

"Gary, is it possible that the Great Destroyer could be an entire army of people?"

"NO. THE GREAT DESTROYER IS A SINGLE PERSON THAT WILL COME TO CLAIM THE GREAT WEAPON."

"Yeah, that's great."

"PREPARE. ONE AND ALL. THE FULFILLMENT OF THE GREAT PROPHECY IS AT HAND."

"So you have no good news for me today?"

"ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN'T SAY BANANA?" That was expected. Sometime in this sequence of events, the reds bailed on us with the jeep. I walked outside looking for Tex and found Tucker half knocked-out on the floor. "Whoa, Tucker, are you okay?"

"Uhhhh, mmm, huh, damn. Okay, new rule. We start rotating knockouts. Next time, it's your turn." Ah, Tex happened to him. Well, you get knocked out a lot, so next time…you deal with Caboose's team killing.

"Hey good idea. And next time Caboose decides he wants to go around team killing, you can take that one."

"Maybe we should all stick to what we know best." Then I noticed that he wasn't holding the sword.

"Hey, where's your weapon?"

Tucker responded with the only sentence I did not want to hear, "Do you think she knocked me out for fun? This isn't Tuesday dude, she took it!"

"Oh man, this is not gonna be good."

Within the next 30 seconds, someone decimated the ENTIRE robot army. And we just assumed that it was Tex.

We just stared out at the carnage with all the robot bodies laying there, destroyed, with no sign of Lopez or O'Malley.

"Wow, she really did a lot of damage," I said, ruining the slience.

Tucker looked at me incredulously asking, "Are you surprise?"

Not in the least. I was actually half expecting this. "No, not really, I guess not."

"I'll tell you what, it's days like today, I'm really glad she's on our side."

That's when we heard a certain female voice behind us, "Who's on our side?" Then Tex looked out and saw the carnage, and was…impressed…but not at herself, "Whoa! Who killed all the robots?"

"You did."

"No, I didn't." Wait, what? Then where were you?

"What?"

"I've been downstairs, trying to figure out how to turn this sword on."

"Wait a minute." I ran inside the base thinking that maybe there was somebody else out here besides us while Tex and Tucker said something about the sword's power button not working. I got inside and Gary was saying over and over, "THE GREAT DESTROYER HAS ARRIVED. THE END IS NEAR. THE GREAT DESTROYER HAS ARRIVED. THE END IS NEAR."

I ran up to him and tried to get him to stop, "Oh come on Gary Gary Gary, stop stop stop. Hey if Tex is not the destroyer from the prophecy, then who is?"

Gary promptly stopped, and didn't say anything.

"Gary?"

Then those two words appeared on his screen again, "KNOCK KNOCK."

"Who's there?"

(cue end of Episode 57 with Alien sneaking up behind Church)

(Cue sounds of violence at writing place as Tex beats the piss out of Church)

Ow.

TO BE CONTINUED

Three seasons now completed.

Tucker: COME ON! I wanna say it.  
Say it and I'll kick you square in the nuts.  
Tucker: You're bluffing.  
Try me.  
Tucker: …Bow-chicka-.  
KICK  
Tucker (high pitched): bow-wow.  
SWEET CHIN MUSIC (owned by Vince McMahon)  
I don't bluff about violence towards characters.  
Tucker: very soft Asshole.

R+R


	14. Chapter 14

Red vs. Blue: The Church Files  
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC and Xbox, Halo 2 for Xbox, the Halo 2 Multiplayer map packm and I will own Halo 3 this November. But as far as the rest of the stuff in this:

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2007.  
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

All references to WWE stuff is owned by Vince McMahon.

A/N: School sucks balls, I've been practically failing 2 classes, according to High School grade scales, but then again, I go to one of the toughest schools in the country.

WE FINALLY START SEASON 4 AFTER A TWO MONTH HIATUS!!!!!!!!!!

(phone) Hello…what?...YOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!! THERE'S ONLY SIX MORE PREMIERES LEFT UNTIL RVB IS OVER?!?!?!??!?!...

Excuse me one second….

(The edge of the solar system): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-(coughing)-ahem-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-.

Chapter 14:

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!

"KNOCK KNOCK."

"Who's there?" I turned around and I saw this scary looking creature breathing on me…

"HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!" I quickly jumped out of my body before it could do any damage. Dear God, what in the blue hell was that?! It actually looked like the alien from the fucking movie. I gotta warn the others.

I ran outside where Tucker was telling Tex and Caboose this story that I won't go into the details on. "Then he says, 'Did I read it? I already ruined it!'"

"That's disgusting."

"I don't get it." On top of a whole lot of other things Caboose.

I faded in from no where trying to catch my breath saying, "WHAT…THE FUCK….WAS THAT?!" Caboose was happy to see me while Tucker and Tex, in that order, merely showed indifference.

"Hey Church."

"Hey."  
"Huh?"

I stood there waiting for a question, but decided to stop waiting and ask why I wasn't hearing it. "Isn't anybody gonna ask me 'What happened to your body, Church?'"

Tex and Tucker rolled their eyes like this wasn't a surprise to them. "What happened to your body, Church."

Caboose on the other hand, "What happened to some…body…Church?" was Caboose. As being Caboose, I ignored him.

"Hell if I know. All I know is, I was sitting there talking to Gary-."

Tex looked up trying to make sure she was hearing this right, "The bomb?!"

"No that's Andy. Gary is the computer," I told her with an air of "How do you not remember" tone thrown underneath.

Tex realized that, looked at us and said, "I don't even remember your names half the time."

And thus gives us foot in mouth disease once again. "I KNOW MY NAME! You can ask me if you forget," Ok, shut up Caboose.

"Hey can we please focus on me?"

But this time…he doesn't stop having foot-in-mouth. "By the way, he's Church."

"Yes, thank you Caboose. She knows." I was about to the story when…

"He is the mean one."

"THANK YOU…CABOOSE!!!" What does it take to shut you up? Alright, here goes…

"See, he is mad," OH MY GOD!!!!! "Now he'll just stare at me until I stop talking. Then, when he thinks I am done talking, then he will start talking again."

….

"Ok, so I was talking to Gar-."

"Told you so."

"**_GODDAMNIT!!!!!!!!_**"

"Classic Church." I am so gonna kill you in the near future.

"I wonder if a ghost can have an aneurysm." Thank you for that fun little fact Tucker.

"ANYWAY! I was talking to Gary about the 'Great Destroyer' who at the time we thought was Tex."

CUE FLASHBACK:

"THE GREAT DESTROYER HAS ARRIVED. THE END IS NEAR. THE GREAT DESTROYER HAS ARRIVED. THE END IS NEAR."

I ran up to him and tried to get him to stop, "Oh come on Gary Gary Gary, stop stop stop. Hey if Tex is not the destroyer from the prophecy, then who is?"

"And that's when I turn around and I saw…"  
In the flashback, I was just turning around to look at the alien……and saw Caboose.

"Saw what? Saw O'Malley?"

"What the…CABOOSE! Get of the story man. NO! It wasn't O'Malley."

"What was it?" DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!!!!!

"Stop interrupting me and I'LL TELL YOU!!"

"A helicopter?" No, I wish it was though.

"Yeah, Caboose. Shut up."

What the hell? HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE!!!!

"Hey, Tucker, you're interrupting now too. EVERYONE JUST GET OUTTA HERE!!!!!"

Tucker was offended, "Me? I'm just trying to punch up the story line. Check this out."

Ok, hold on for a second everyone…

(a few minutes later)

Tucker (outside): OW!!! OW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO!!!

Yeah, play stupid Tucker. She'll refresh your memory.

Yeah so I just gonna jump to right here.

END FLASHBACK

"Bow-chicka-bow-." Tucker was saying as Tex lifted up her battle rifle, causing Tucker to piss his pants. "WHOA! Story's over."

Tex just looked at him, highly pissed, and said, "You're a pig."

Tucker decided to whine, "I didn't even get to the part when the sailors show up."

A/N: Trust me, if you know what happened, put it in there. If you don't know, check out Episode 58.

Tex walked away from the perv and told me, "So tell us. What did you see?" Now remember that I've been calling it an alien, but I wasn't sure what the hell it was back then. "Um…it was this really big…" What's the best way to put this? "…thing." Ok, that definitely wasn't the right thing to say in this context.

"That's your story? You saw a _big thing_?" Tex looked at me, obviously wanting more.

Tucker (outside): BOW-CHICKA-WOW (BOOM!)- OW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THANKS TEX!!!!!!

Tex: WHATEVER!

Tucker decided to continue being a perv, "Eh, my story had a big thing in it too. You just didn't give it time to develop."

Ignoring that, "Well I didn't really get a clear look at it."

Caboose was confused, "At Tucker's big thing."

YOU FUCKING RETARD!!!! "NO DUMBASS!!!! At the big thing in the base that attacked me. All I know is that it was slimy, and it had lots of teeth."

"_Kinky_." Ok, enough being an idiot Tucker, this is serious.

"Seriously dude, cut the shit. We've got a situation on our hands."

Tex was the only other person concerned about this, "Well, how did you fight it off?"

Are you crazy?!?! No wait, you dated me, that's enough for you considering my horrible luck. "Fight it off? You must have me confused with someone who's brave. I got the hell outta there."

"You're telling me you just left your body behind?"

"I had to get outta there fast. That body was just dead weight."

Foot-in-mouth…now, "I know the feeling."

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?"

Meanwhile, Tucker was laughing hysterically. "Hahahaha, some slimy toothed monster scared the crap outta Church! Haha!"

Tex decided to change that, "He didn't scare the crap outta him, he scared the **soul** outta him."

But it didn't seem to matter to Tucker, "Oh it's Church, what's the difference? His soul is _made_ outta crap. Stupid crap for soul."

Back on topic, "For all I know, he's in there chewing on my body right now."

So Tex got into business mode, "Well, then let's go get this big thing of yours."

But then we had the problems because Tucker said, "Bow-chicka-bow-wow."

"Shut up."

"Shut up Tucker."

But he progressed, "Did somebody call for a really hairy plumber? **Bow chicka **_**bow wow!**"_

_"Tucker, shut up."_

_"_I came here to lay some pipe. Bow-chicka-bow-wow!"

"TUCKER!"

"So I hear you got sisters. Bow chicka- who're twins! -wow wow!"

"Shut up."

"Hey, are you a model or famous actress? Bow-chicka-bow-wow."

"SHUT UP!!!"

"Bow chickachicka-."

"Shut up."

"-gow wow chicka-."

"Shut up!"

"-chicka bow bow chickachickachi bow bow!"

"Shut _**up!**"_

Ok so we got up to the front of the compound and Tucker decided to state the obvious, "We haven't seen that alien thing come out, so he's probably still hiding in there."

And Caboose decided to add, "Or, EATING CHURCH!"

Tex was still all business, "Alright then. Let's roll."

"Ok…here we go."

And we stood there…not moving for like 10 seconds before Tucker said, "..Uh, we're not moving."

Ok, let's try it again, "Yeah, yeah, okay. Ahem. Here we go."

"…..We're still not moving."

"Does talking count as moving." Shut up retard.

Tex decided that the time for waiting was over forever, "Alright screw it. You guys get behind me, and stay tight."

"Bowchickabowwow."

"Never mind. Tucker's in front." Smooth move dumbass.

"Eh, it was worth it."

So Tucker went in first, with me close behind. Now Tucker's got this awesome energy sword that cut through our armor like a knife through butter…and he's holding an SMG. "Hey, why didn't you bring that glowing thing?"

Tucker looks at me like I've got two head, "No way. I'd rather have a gun."

Then what is this thing I'm holding, "But I've got a gun."

"What're you gonna do? Shoot it with ghost bullets?"

Eh…yeah, "Okay yeah, that's a good point."

"Hey I'm Casper, the friendly bullet."

Tex yells up to us, "HEY! SEE ANYTHING?"

Tucker yelled back the obvious answer, "NOPE!"

That's when I remembered about our explosive little friend on the inside, "You know, Andy was here when I got attacked. Maybe he knows something." I walked over to the ledge we were walking along and whispered down to Andy, "Psst, hey Andy. ANDY!"

"Hehehey, look who's back! The dickhead!"

"Hey, up yours."

"Back for another beatin'? It must be asskick-oclock!"

"Where's that big alien thing?"

"I don't know, last time I saw him he was halfway up your ass."

"Is this bomb giving you a hard time?" That's when Tex walked up and Andy kept going on.

"I see you brought a _girl_ with you. What're you gonna have a _crying contest?"  
Then I saw the cobalt painted robot with an AI that had LONG since been corrupted and malfunctioned lying on the ground. "Hey, look there's my body right there."_

_But Tucker saw something much more deadly as we heard an audible, "Llargh."_

_"_Huh? **_THERE IT IS!!!!!_**"

And we ran, panicked and just started to fire random sprays of bullets at the damn thing, but we didn't care if we hit. We just wanted to get outta there.

"**JESUS RUN!!!**"

"Crap!"

"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I DON'T WANNA DIE WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!!!!!"

"**RUN!!!!**"

"WOMEN AND CHILDREN LAST!!!!!"  
"Run run run run run run run!"

Andy kept laughing insanely, "Heheh, what, you leavin' already? That's fuckin' hilarious!"

"Ahhh run run run run run!" So now we were outside the base running back up the hill and Caboose asks us, "Did we win?"

Tucker, who had now passed him answered, "Yeah Caboose we won, this is our victory lap!"

Meanwhile Andy was still laughing after us, "HEY COME BACK IN! I THINK YOU'RE TIRING HIM OUT!!!!!!!"

My God, we looked like idiots. We eventually regrouped outside the base after calming down and everything and we returned to the important matter at hand, "Ugh, man I just cannot fuckin' stand the idea of my body laying in there."

"Heh haeh, you never looked better!"

"HEY SHUT UP ANDY!!!!!!" Like you do anything helping except sit there and act like a total dick. I turned back to our group and revealed that I actually almost hit him, "You know, we could have taken that alien out if I'd have hit him just a few more times."

Tucker blurted out, "A few more times? How about one time?"

"Well I think I landed at least two or three shots." And like you did any better?

Tucker was pretty skeptical about that , "Yeah, right."

But Tex was completely adamant against me, "You didn't hit anything but the wall."

And you know this how? You took one, ONE shot and ran right out of the building. "How the hell would you know, you were runnin' straight backwards."

"This is a long range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively." Yeah, as if that hallway wasn't long range enough. Tucker was definitely in agreement with me, "Where were you planning on shooting him _from_, the fucking moon? If you'd have backed up any further you'd have had to _mail_ him the bullets."

Tex was pissed and decided t go all super freelancer on us. "You know what? I work better alone. You ladies stay here, I'll be back in two minutes with that thing's head on a platter."

Once she had left, Tucker asked me and Caboose, but more me, "Does it ever bother you that the most take-charge guy on our team is a girl?"

Hell I didn't care. I just wanted to be tangible again. "Not at all. As long as I get my body back I don't care if I'm a hero."

Both of the idiots just stared at me for five seconds before I said, "What?"

Tucker filled me in on some obvious truths, "Huh, well, Church you're kind of a long way from "hero." Wouldn't it have been better to say "I don't care if I'm a **participant**?" Or maybe bystander?"

"Shut up."

Caboose added to Tucker's argument, "Or a decoy?"

And that's the last thing I need. "Hey, Caboose, don't help him, ok?"

So Tucker spotted Tex re-enter the base, "Hey she's going in, you guys think she can take him?"

Two seconds later we heard a crack and behind us, "Oh crap."

I simply said, "Nope."

After a couple more minutes of arguing, Tucker came up with the smartest suggestion I heard all day, "Maybe Caboose should try talking to him."

Caboose was intrigued, "Uhh, what would _I_ say?"

"Start with some common ground. Like how you both killed Church."

Caboose decided to think on that for a second, "Mmm... good times."  
And I actually decided to support Tucker's plan, "You know I actually like that idea."

Tex looked at me with her eyes incredibly wide, "YOU DO?!?!"

"Well think about it. While our Ambassador here is either being a) _eaten_ by the alien, or b) _digested_, by the alien, you and I can sneak back in and get our bodies." I mean, we get rid of the idiot AND we get our bodies back.

Caboose got way TOO close Tucker and said, "I would make an excellent Ambidasdor, because I am very shy!"

Tucker quickly moved away, "Get away from me freak!"

I told Caboose as he ran inside, "You know if that word's too hard to pronounce, you can just call yourself **bait**."

Meanwhile, Tex ran to the top of the ramp and decided to look down to exactly where she had fallen, "There's my body."

I came up next to her and said, "Oh yeah, hey look, there's your body. Heh heh heh huh, you really didn't make it very far, did you?"

So Tex got that whole homicidal pissed off look in her eyes and said, "You know I wonder, ih if I killed a ghost, would it come back as a ghost of a ghost?"

I slowly backed off and said, "Yeah that's a good point I'll... shut up now."

-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-(BAM!) OW!!!! WHAT THE FUCK….

Grif: Dude, that' my line, and I haven't even been in this since Chapter 12. And I'm probably not gonna be in it until you get to Season 5.

You know what? You're right. And to make sure of that…

(kick to Midsection)

JR: STUNNER! STUNNER!

NOW YOU STAY THERE UNTIL I MAKE IT TO EPISODE 78!

NOW YOU ALL BETTER REVIEW OR END UP LIKE MY BUDDY GRIF HERE AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE (WHAT?!) CAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO!!!!!

(GLASS BREAKS, Insert Austin's music here)

Grif: (quietly) You suck.

WHAT?!


	15. Chapter 15

Red vs. Blue: The Church Files  
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC and Xbox, Halo 2 for Xbox, the Halo 2 Multiplayer map pack, the Halo 3 Beta, and Halo 3 (regular). But as far as the rest of the stuff in this:

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2007.  
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

All references to WWE stuff is owned by Vince McMahon.

A/N: Short chapter…but this one TOOK FOREVER!!!! Stupid trying to find appropriate dialogue…stupid college….stupid alien….stupid…..uh….STUPID!!!! This is probably the worst chapter I have written for this. So feel free to the flame the shit out of it.

Chapter 15:

Blargh?

A few minutes after we sent in Caboose, Tex and I reclaimed our bodies and then decided to try and salvage whatever was left of Caboose after the alien-thing got done with him. We were surprised (and extremely pissed off) to hear him talking as we walked into the main room.

"I think I will call him…Crunchbite."

"Eh, that's a stupid name."

"Well, I think it's better than your suggestion…Crouch-a-saurus."

So I walked into the room saying, "Caboose who are you talking to," and saw the alien "HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I immediately got ready to fire as the alien got ready to attack going, "Blargh!"

Caboose stepped right in between the two of us. "STOP! He is my friend. He is not going to eat anybody."

A/N: I'm not gonna be saying the Alien's quotes unless he's being talked to directly.

"Yeah, he thinks you guys stink too much to eat." Andy told us.

So Tex decides to say, "He thinks we stink? It smells like someone set a fish on fire in here." Then the alien looked at her like she was a piece of me….beef, phew.

Tucker: BOW-CHICKA-BOW-WOW

DAMNIT TUCKER/STUNNER!/

Tucker: (weakly) Fuck you.

"Caboose, What the Fuck man, are you sure about this?" I mean this thing is an alien that we no absolutely nothing about. Probably carnivorous considering that jaw of his.

"Absolutely. He has not tried to bite me at all."

HONK.

"Since he bit me the first time," Caboose admitted. Definitely carnivorous. Nice job on that one retard.

"Yeah, that was hilarious." Andy was laughing his ass off.

"I think I might need a tetanus shot." No, it's a rabies shot; you get tetanus shots for cuts on rusty metal, such as the bullets in my gun…and I think a rabies shot is the LEAST of your worries idiot.

But, that was right about the time…"WHOA! What is that stench? Is a skunk juggling old yogurt?" Tucker showed up. "It smells like infected cheese on a hot plate. Did you eat and then throw up a can of trash?"

HONK

"That's exactly what he said right before he bit me." Ok, note to self: avoid talking about stenches.

So Tex asks me, "Do you understand what this thing's saying?"

Yeah, like I can understand…hey, wait. I think I got something. "Wait, I think I'm hearing a pattern here. I think blarghs come after honks."

HONK.

"Or vise versa." Ok, maybe not.

"I think…I think blargh means me…or…apples." Uh…yeah, sure Caboose. Highly unlikely its either. "Guys! Apples must be the name of his cat. Quick, quick, is Apples stuck in a tree?"

HONK

"I will call the fire department." And I think it's more likely that he would EAT a cat…or at least CAUSE it to be up a tree.

So, trying to be smart, I ask it. "Mr. Huge Alien, do you understand what we are saying?" To which I get this response:  
BLAARRRRRRRRGHHHHHH!

Uh……yeah. "I have no idea if that means yes or no."

"Totally blows away your 'vice versa' theory. Sorry." It was blown away WELL before he said that. So then Tucker decides to offer his own opinion to me and Tex…and by offer his opinion. I mean:

"You two are retarded", insulting us. "You're never gonna figure out what he's saying by experimentation, give it up."

"You don't know that." But then again….he's probably right…unfortunately.

"You don't even know how they talk. What if their language isn't entirely verbal. It could be telepathic…or via smells, ew." Interesting suggestion. But, so do you asshole.

"Well, if it's via smells then you should be fluent in the language already…jackass." Yeah, that's such a burn.

HONK.

"Oh shut up, you're not helping." Stupid alien…

"Wait! I think Tucker might be right. I think he might be saying things telepathically. I just heard something in my head." Wait , Tucker might be right about the telepathy….something doesn't smell right about that…and not the alien.

"Huh? What was it?"

"It was a voice…saying…Blargh blargh blargh honk honk." Oh….figures.

"That wasn't in your head Caboose. He just said it. You're just so dumb, you're lagged a few seconds behind us. By the time your brain has figured out what it's heard, it feels like it's already happened." Then he stares at me. Not saying anything for like 10 seconds, and then completely proves my point.

"……That's not true, WAIT!!! I hear something else in my head. It must be Apples, trying to communicate with me. QUICK! Tucker! Get a ladder." Yeah….I'm just gonna go stand over there now.

A/N: That episode took so long to do because I couldn't figure out any decent dialogue. So this will probably be the worst chapter…..stupid alien.

Flames will be used to burn this chapter alive. Because that's how I felt about writing the transcription for this episode.

R R


	16. Chapter 16

Red vs. Blue: The Church Files  
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC and Xbox, Halo 2 for Xbox, the Halo 2 Multiplayer map pack, the Halo 3 Beta, and Halo 3 (regular). But as far as the rest of the stuff in this:

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2007.Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

All references to WWE stuff is owned by Vince McMahon.

Chapter 16:

Lost in Translation

Well, as Caboose and Tucker kept trying to experiment with linguistics, I decided to ask the one person possible to ask and get a decent answer from. "Hey Gary, is there any way that you could translate what this big alien is saying to us?"

"NO." Well that went to hell pretty fast.

"Aw come on man, isn't this one of the aliens that built you?"

"YES BUT I DO NOT KNOW MUCH ABOUT THOSE CREATURES. I WAS ONLY PROGRAMMED WITH KNOWLEDGE OF THE SHISNOS….I MEAN YOU."

Ok, really getting sick of that word here. "Yeah listen man, that word is really startin' to bug me a little bit." I mean it's a skunu turd…that can make even more turds.

"YOU DID NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT IT MEANT UNTIL I TOLD YOU."

So, it's pissing me off. "I know but you just say it so much."

"I ONLY SAY SHISNO IN CONTEXT, LIKE WHEN TALKING TO A SHISNO OR ABOUT A SHISNO. (pause) I THINK I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN SHISNO."

Good. "So you'll stop."

"INTERSPECIES PREJIDUCES TAKE A LONG TIME TO OVER COME, BUT I WILL TRY."

Yeah…right. "Thanks."

"LUCKILY I AM NOT LAZY LIKE A SHISNO." Really putting full processor power into this aren't you. "Yeah it's pretty clear you mean to give this your best effort."

"I THINK THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT I AM TRYING."

"Ok. Church…is trying to get…a translator…so that WE…can talk…to each other," Tucker was explaining to someone as I walked back to them, which was kinda pointless.

"Tucker, the enormous alien doesn't speak our language. Speaking SLOWLY is not gonna help." But then he said, "What?! I'm talking to Caboose." "Oh." That's different…at least it makes sense WHY he's talking slowly…but it still won't help. Why?

"I don't understand…are…are…are you hungry? Tucker are you hungry? Are you cold" You see…

"What? No." Tucker and I were both looking at each other, wondering what Caboose was babbling about. Then he asked.

"Do you need a blanket? Tucker, do you want some hot dogs in a blanket?" Um…ok. That sounded kinda gay.

"Damnit, NO! Caboose, I'm not cold. I don't want a hot dog. AND IF YOU PUT MUSTARD IN MY FUCKING SHEETS AGAIN, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!"

A/N/raises eyebrow/ Uh….yeah, that's kinda gross.

Tucker: Tell me about it.

So then Caboose, completely forgot about what we were talking about…and proceeded to talk to the alien. Maybe they'll understand each other…idiots. "Ok, gargantuan alien. Now that we have decided to keep you, you need a real name." He's not a pet idiot. "I vote for Fluffy."

Tucker and I had the same thought…for once. "FLUFFY?!?!" Except he said it out loud.

"FLUFFY! THE ALIEN THAT ONLY LOVES!!!" Yeah, I'm sure that there is some other reason why he has that massive jaw and razor sharp teeth. Tucker decided it was HIS turn to be the voice of reason. "He's got to have a name. Why don't we just ask him?" Except that his logic was flawed…big time. "Hey alien dude, what's your name?" Then he started talking slowly again, "Naaame. I am Tucker. This is Church." Then he point to Tex and said, "That's Bitch-Pants McCrabby!"

BOOM!!!!!

Tucker: OW WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!

Tex: Do you realize how long I was waiting for that?

"Hey!" Was Tex's only reaction. Tucker quickly got nervous, "Well, that's what we call you." Caboose added, "NOT ME! I call you MRS. McCrabby."

Tex muttered her thanks under her breath. So I ask, completely forgetting my own sentence from earlier, "What is your name?"

HONK HONK

"Your name?"

HONK HONK

"NAAAAAAAAAMMMMUH!!!!"

"Just keep repeating it, Church. I'm sure he'll come up with the right definition on his own." Shut up Tucker.

"He is Tucker…TUCK-ER" More like Fucker, but, "You are…"

HONK HONK

"No no. No. Not "honk honk." Name."

The alien started to sound….exasperated? I don't know but then he once again, said

HONK HONK!!!!!!!!!!!

At that point, I decided…fuck this, "I give up. All this guy says is honk honk." Then Tex pointed out, "Well have you ever considered the fact that his name is Honk Honk?"

BLARGH?

Tucker and I again had a brilliant moment of having the same thoughts, "Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds?"

"Hyeah, I mean seriously, what kind of name is Honk Honk?"

BLARGH?

So I ask, to humor myself, "Hey, big alien. Is your name 'Honk Honk."

Blargh

Waitwaitwait just a second. It sounds like he's saying it is. "Hey wait a second, I think blarg means yes. Alien, does blarg mean yes?"

Blargh.

Alright, if that's not a affirmative, I don't know what is. "Holy shit! Blarg means yes, he just said yes blarg means yes. I speak alien!" And then leave it to Tex to ruin the mood, "Yeah, unless blarg means no. In which case, he just said no, blarg does not mean yes." Too bad, Tex. I'm right, and this guy'll confirm it.

"What, no way. Hey alien, am I right?"

Blargh

"Haha, see? The fuck do you know."

One hour later… (This is the fun part)

"Church! Chuu-urch, hey Church!" Tucker was screaming into the base when I told him, "I'm right behind you, dumbass." Really smooth, Tucker.

"Oh. Hey Church, do you have a knife?" he asked me. Whoa whoa whoa. You're asking me for something sharp and pointy? Don't you remember how the team works? "No. That's a weapon dude. Ask Tex."

"She said she had something to take care of. Girl stuff I think." Yeah, I seriously doubt Tex does a lot of 'girl stuff,' aside from…well what ALL girls do at certain intervals.

Tex: I'm not gonna hit you if you say it you know.

Really?

Tex: Really. I do it. The girls who read this, if any, do it. Just be glad I didn't catching you write it DURING my period…otherwise we wouldn't be talking. (leaves)

……..Ok. Anyway, yeah, that's about one of the only 'girl things' she does. But I wanted to see if it wasn't that, just in case, so I asked, "Huh? Like what?"

"I don't know, I stopped asking questions at 'girl stuff'." Thanks Tucker…note to self, avoid Tex until lack of menstruation is confirmed. Back to the matter at hand, why you need a knife. "What're you two guys doin'?"

"We're gonna teach the Alien how to speak English."

….I doubt that.

"How're you gonna do that?" I mean, it's not that easy to teach someone English. Look at the Mexicans working at McDonalds (no offense). Never get my orders right.

"People learn English all the time, it aren't that hard." And apparently you can't speak it either. "Maybe you should try learning his language."

Tucker didn't like that idea, "Fuck that, we got here first, and that makes this a colony. Those're the rules, dude. Earth colony, Earth language." Ok, first off. We're an army…we invade, not colonize…and more importantly, "Tucker there's thousands of languages spoken on Earth."

"Hyeah, but only one that kicks ass. And that's the one we're teaching. English 101, remedial kick-ass." This has the words 'BAD IDEA' written all over it.

"Alright, there is no way this is gonna work."

Tucker seemed to disagree, "Yeah it is, we got visual aids and everything." Wait…cue cards, visual aids? What the fuck? "Where the hell'd you get those?"

"We made 'em. Turns out Caboose's gun didn't have any bullets- it was loaded with crayons." Yeah that's surprising "I just need to cut one of these things, you have a pocket knife?"

Wait…you have something sharp you idiot, "Hey if you need to cut something, why don't you just use that big sword o' yours?" Idiot.

"Oh right. Duh." He turned on his sword and suddenly the alien looked over.

Blargh?

And then went crazy.

BLLLLLLLLLLLARRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

It attacked Tucker in an instant, "OW WHAT THE FUCK!!!"

"Mahan, Tucker, that thing either really hates that sword, or really hates you." This was probably the greatest thing I've ever seen. Tucker screamed in pain and fear, "Aaaaaaaah, get this fucking thing off me!"

I was so enjoying this and I wasn't about to stop, "Heh wait a second Tucker, this might be a good chance for us to evaluate how these things fight. Now hold still. For science."

"NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!!!!!"

A/N: I felt I needed something to make up for the supreme amount of suck the last chapter had. Oh and by the way…..

THE GIANTS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!!!!!!!!!!!

GET READY FOR 18-1 BELL BELLIDOUCHE!!!!!!!!!

R R

I'M OUT!!!!!!


	17. Chapter 17

Red vs. Blue: The Church Files  
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC and Xbox, Halo 2 for Xbox, the Halo 2 Multiplayer map pack, the Halo 3 Beta, and Halo 3 (regular). But as far as the rest of the stuff in this:

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2008.  
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001. --outdated…..

All references to WWE stuff is owned by Vince McMahon.

A/N: Hey this is Austin316v1 and even though it's been well over 2 months, before we get to the newest chapter of The Church Files, I would like to get this out of the way:

GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN!

Chapter 17:

Giants Win

Eventually Tex called us over to tell us her newest plan…using Andy as a translator, "You have got to be kidding me. There is NO WAY I'm gonna let this happen." And I wasn't too keen on the idea.

"I told you. He can do it." Tex assured me.

"Yeah. I'm qualified." Qualified, in what? Masters in being a total douche-hole.

"Listen I don't doubt that he can do it…I doubt that I WANT him to do it," I don't think the WORLD wants you to do it.

"Why?" Do you really want me to answer that question, Andy? Because it's pretty obvious.

"Well, you know Andy. You're not exactly the most diplomatic of individuals." I mean, how many times did you curse in the last HOUR.

"That's BULLSHIT! You're only saying that cause you're a rascist."

WHOA WHOA WHOA!! BACK THE FUCK UP! How the fuck can I be rascist…TO A MACHINE!! "RASCIST?! BOMBS ARE NOT A RACE!"

"Ah, shut up you dirty shisno." Now who's being the rascist, Andy. But onto a different subject: WHY ARE WE DOING THIS AGAIN?! So I ask Tex, "We finally make contact with an alien being…and our first attempt at communication is gonna be through A BOMB?! AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES A PROBLEM WITH THIS?!"

"Well unless you got your English to Blargh Blargh Dictionary, I don't think you have much of a choice." You know, that was actually a good point. "I had one of those….but I threw 

it out. It didn't have many pictures." Response number 1 to Foot-in-Mouth: Dear God, Caboose. So Tex reassures us, "I'm sure this'll be fine." And so I think about it…you know, this could actually be kind of funny.

"You know I feel like I'm gonna regret this….but I feel even more that I just don't care and watching this whole thing unravel might be kind of interesting. Go for it." I mean how bad could it get.

Tex was pretty excited that I gave my approval, there was just one problem, "All right…where's the alien?" And that's when I remembered that he was with…..ooooooooh.

"Oh shit I forgot."

Elswhere:

"OW OW OW…."

--

Later:

So we finally got the alien off of Tucker…and quite surprisingly he wasn't injured that badly…minus the severe concussion, "Oooooh man….I'm gonna die…." Andy was getting his input from the alien while Caboose…. "What's he saying now Andy?" was pissing him off.

"Look guys, if you want me to translate for you, you can't keep asking me…EVERY FOUR SECONDS… "WHAT'S HE SAYING NOW ANDY?! WHAT'S HE SAYING NOW?!" I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT HE'S SAYING THAT'S MY FRICKING JOB!!" And of course, Caboose thought that THAT was the translation.

"That's what he said? Kinda a weird thing to say. Uh…tell him, I said…ok. I will not ask anymore of…that…and also…no." Wait….what?

"I think I need a translator just for Caboose." Seriously, Andy do you speak HIS language?

So the Alien let of a growl and Andy said, "Ok, basically he uh…he says he's pissed off." NO, REALLY?! I think I could deduce that by the threatening hand gestures and the weapon. "Yeah, no kidding. Tex, are we PAYING for this service?"

Yet she continued to reassure me, "Just give him a chance."

So then Andy got serious, "He says that he came here to claim some type of thing…and that the teal one took the thing…and now the thing is gone."

Tucker just had to ask, "Who's the teal one?"

"You are idiot." Thank you Tex.

"NO WAY! I'm aqua. Teal's out."

Meanwhile, I figured out the rest of the translation, "That thing he's talking about must be that sword and it's not broken; IT'S RIGHT THERE!!"

BLARGH BLARGH!

"He says it only works for the hero that passes the trial of the windmill, and retrieves it from its resting place. For everyone else, it may as well be broken." And that's when the realization hit, at least for some of us.

"Uh oh," was Tex's reaction.

Tucker's…. "Trial please I fell through a hole that's not a trial…I'm starting to like this culture though. Any dude that trips is a hero…I'm pretty sure that makes Caboose 'God.'" Ok, that image is never gonna leave me mind. But now that I think about it….

"This all sounds like bullshit to me." However Tex had to back up the alien's story, "No he's right, it didn't work for me, remember?"

Then, in an amazing incident, I was the one who had foot in mouth. "Of course it didn't work for you, you're a girl. I mean you can't even work the entertainment center back at the base. Doesn't mean the remote control is mythically attached to us."

Tex didn't appreciate that and told me, "Alright then you little smart ass, YOU pick it up and try it." Uhhhhh………I looked at the sword….then at the alien…..who was…um, chuckling I'll say, "HEHEHE" and I realize: Church + Holding sword pain. "Nah, I'll…take his word for it."

So the alien grunted something out and Andy told Tucker, "And now you've got to go with him and fulfill the prophecy."

Tucker's response: "Fuck you!"

Well the alien didn't seem too pleased. "BLARGHBLARGHBLARGH HONK HONK!" Which I translate as, "As if I want you to come, you stinking meat bag." Whatever it actually was though, Andy was highly amused by it. "Heheheh yeah good one. Yeah, um, he's not too happy about this either."

Tucker then gave one of his worst excuses ever, "See I knew this was a bad idea. Sorry to fuck up your quest dude, but I'm not going." Which prompted Andy to reveal a little stipulation.

"And if you don't go, he'll destroy the base, and kill everybody here."

…………..……

"Alright, good luck guys," I said in the sudden panic for my life.

"Hey, a quest sounds fun, come on Tucker," Tex added.

And then Andy said, "Yeah, I think you should stay here cause I like that killing everybody option."

--

GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN!

18-1!! BILL BELLIDOUCHEBAG, I GOT TWO WORDS FOR YA!! (SUCK IT!!)

Now we shift our gears to the baseball word. Seriously what kind of 7th inning stretch song is "Sweet Caroline" anyway. Also, the Mets are setting up to be RickRolled.

Sorry for the shortness (again) but it's been getting harder for me to think up of monologue for these things. I'll probably be sticking with 1-2 episodes per chapter, minus ones that only have very short Church segments.

R+R


End file.
